thank you tambo for the knowledge, ny for comments, and got my first hug ever, thank you spitfire. i am writing this from the airport, spent friday, saturday, and sunday with daughters. they are such beautiful, intelligent, sensitive seven and three year old little beings. we spent the days swimming, walking, went to parks, laughed, and they are truly my natural antidepressants. of course i miss my wife, and it hurts like mad. however, now i am taking an anxiolytic which really is helping tremendously. i am definitely going to take antidepressants, i really need them, waiting to find a good psychiatrist.
when i arrived, went to my Ds, agreed with W, i was gonna spend 3 days with them in a hotel. we acted civilized, yet i did not talk to her like before, trying to act like a friend. i avoided all kinds of convos, was very distant. during the days , she did not call except for Sunday night, to arrange if Ds stayed Sunday with me. my flight leaves at 8:30 am, so i was going to get ready by 6, and she would drop by to wait for them to wake up...... well, i was ready, and when she got to the hotel and knocked on the door, she acted so natural, that in a microsecond, i felt this strength to distance myself from her, but mostly from the anger, the pain to see all the laughter of my kids, sensing their confusion of why they were only with me, their need to tell me they loved me, their questions, and somehow this repressed feelings of ordering me to fix all of this. i just saw her, was not rude, told her what i had bought, and to pack some of Ds clothes, and then just left. i did not give her a chance to talk, i sensed whe wanted to talk a bit more, maybe money.
but i just left, saying nothing. right now, in hindsight, i feel that i should have talked, maybe expressed yet again to i loved her, maybe should have told her that the times spent with our kids was wonderful but not complete, etc....
BUT, i know these dont work, that is why i came here in the airport to vent, and it really helped to read tambos lines, you see i still cant believe this is all happening. even though i made huge mistakes during my marriage, i always had this model of having MY family, it was my property, my structure, it was my emotional security. now, that it is gone, it is not only pretty hard to accept, it is a big lesson in not to take anything for granted, to enjoy everything you like or have as your own treasures. it is pretty painful to accept that i dont get to see my Ds everyday, that i cant count on my beloved W. it makes it worst just to know that she gives her love to someone else.
i dont know how it went, maybe she doesnt give a F.... that i left like that (most likely), but through that i am beginning to detach.
as i write, i feel like when i read some other posts where you sense the person is dying of love, and is over analyzing every move of the abducted alien. that is how i feel right now, i know i have alot of road to travel to be able to move on.
i am going to work until friday then going back this friday home. my mother will pick up the girls, friday as well, and we will spend xmas, nyears, and the plan is that they will stay with me for about 2 months. good time to love them , and get used to the double home for them. i will just have to save money to travel at least once a month and pay for the hotel as well. that makes me mad, however, i pray and thought stop quite often, it just makes one sick. ok sorry for the long post.......