i was about to go crazy tonight, so i called W just to talk. wrong move. i told her everything i felt, told her about this site, told her that i am lost without them (talk about wrong DB action, counter DBing) told her that i believe and was angry at OM because he came to my house, saw my Ds, and he chased her. Her answer, she is in love, and she thinks this is the guy of her life, love of her life, at least now.... she is into the living the now, not the past or the future. her advice, i am in depression, and i should serve and love. that i should go to AA meetings, even though i am not an alcoholic, (her OM is an ex alcoholic) and that through sharing , not by myself, i will find myself. wow, amazing........ i told her that she would eventually collide, and will see.... silence. she doesnt care, she has moved on. talked to my parents (thank the Lord for them) and they supported me. obviously no details, but i saw them (40 yrs married) through ups and downs they overcame. saw them as a team, God bless them. i hate her now, but i love her deep.... does this make sense at all??? i am better now, accepting the situation, but it is lonely. i am not good at socializing, but i am beginning very slowly to recover. hell, i have many things to thank Life about. my Ds are healthy, XW is a good mom, i have alot of family here, i can reach out to friends. i decided to leave this house, i will get an apt. with 2 rooms for each D, and leave the fond memories of my ex family. next week, i am bringing my Ds, we will spend xmas, and new years, theyll stay withe me for about 2 months. i hope i can handle that and them too. i surely am a lousy, D grade, DBer. unpatient, i let my emotions dictate my actions, semi GAL. ex W told me that this is a lesson of self discovery, she says that because simply put, she is floating in the clouds of love and sexuality. oh how i wish i could be in love with a young, simple, intelligent woman, to ease the pain, anger, jealousy, frustration, pain i feel. fighting not to drink, or hangout at clubs, working, surviving, maybe i should start a new thread called LESSON ON HOW NOT TO DB. maybe then i would serve the people here, and give back a little. actually, not a bad idea. love you all, strenght, and really from the bottom of my heart lots of love to each and everyone of you.
