thanks flaneur, you are a sweetie. well this post is to try link my WAW thread. lets see how it goes.... [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=952928&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1]WAW[/url]
update, hello everyone, where is tambo!!!!!!! well, i am pretty much done with XW. since we are apart, it is very hard to DB,sent her 2 letters, saying that i loved W and Ds, her reply had something to do with God, and our mission to be happy and realize ourselves, through that we achieve Him. well, in one of these letters i pretty much accepted the fact that we were over, through, but i proposed that she consider coming back, in this way Ds would have a F and M. she responded that no, she would not come back.
ok, that was tough, but now, i am considering my 2 options: 1) legally try to get custody of Ds, in this scenario, they would hurt alot because they would miss M. the positive is that i would be in their lives and happy eventually. 2) get D, and give custody to W. problem here is that i would see my Ds once a month, only one weekend, see them on vacations. problem-- i would miss day to day presence in their lives. other problem-- OM would see them more than me, if their R does prosper!
today, i talked with W, (still have stupid hopes), she was angry at me cause she came back from psychologist, and she was told that Ds consider her the bad one who left. i never told them anything , i was silent, she insists we should give them the message that Rs are constructed or destroyed, and that we both did that. i will do that, but i dont want to tell them, i will live apart because we want to live that way? NO, i am fighting for this M, i cant tell Ds, yes its ok, ill live here and your mom there. why should i tell them that, if i dont feel that way. oh well, on the phone today, i started cursing her, she said no way was she going to live here, and that i should persuit any legal action, she said we will see, i lost it and really insulted her, and hung up..... i really do hate the fact that she thinks she gets to 1) live in a city that she likes 2) have her OR 3) get to keep Ds 4) i have to pay for her decisions. Where the hell are my needs? and the needs of Ds? she decided unilaterally. the problem i see is that say i fight custody and i win. Ds live with me, trauma for Ds, but eventually if i meet a woman, how would i handle it. also, because of work i wont be around so much, Ds would be alot with my mother. do i want that? she already screwed my life alot. is XW a good mother? yes, but she does have alot of traumas. i let time go by, until now, i really have to decide if i will fight for Ds, then i will go to lawyer. up to now, i never felt so much anger, i am really thought stopping frequently. am i the bad guy here??????? should i continue DBing, she told me today, that i have never accepted the facts, that we were over. how could i accept if i love her??????? what is wrong with her, who the hell is she!!!!!! please any comments are welcome.
i was about to go crazy tonight, so i called W just to talk. wrong move. i told her everything i felt, told her about this site, told her that i am lost without them (talk about wrong DB action, counter DBing) told her that i believe and was angry at OM because he came to my house, saw my Ds, and he chased her. Her answer, she is in love, and she thinks this is the guy of her life, love of her life, at least now.... she is into the living the now, not the past or the future. her advice, i am in depression, and i should serve and love. that i should go to AA meetings, even though i am not an alcoholic, (her OM is an ex alcoholic) and that through sharing , not by myself, i will find myself. wow, amazing........ i told her that she would eventually collide, and will see.... silence. she doesnt care, she has moved on. talked to my parents (thank the Lord for them) and they supported me. obviously no details, but i saw them (40 yrs married) through ups and downs they overcame. saw them as a team, God bless them. i hate her now, but i love her deep.... does this make sense at all??? i am better now, accepting the situation, but it is lonely. i am not good at socializing, but i am beginning very slowly to recover. hell, i have many things to thank Life about. my Ds are healthy, XW is a good mom, i have alot of family here, i can reach out to friends. i decided to leave this house, i will get an apt. with 2 rooms for each D, and leave the fond memories of my ex family. next week, i am bringing my Ds, we will spend xmas, and new years, theyll stay withe me for about 2 months. i hope i can handle that and them too. i surely am a lousy, D grade, DBer. unpatient, i let my emotions dictate my actions, semi GAL. ex W told me that this is a lesson of self discovery, she says that because simply put, she is floating in the clouds of love and sexuality. oh how i wish i could be in love with a young, simple, intelligent woman, to ease the pain, anger, jealousy, frustration, pain i feel. fighting not to drink, or hangout at clubs, working, surviving, maybe i should start a new thread called LESSON ON HOW NOT TO DB. maybe then i would serve the people here, and give back a little. actually, not a bad idea. love you all, strenght, and really from the bottom of my heart lots of love to each and everyone of you.
I am right here my friend. Went through (going through) a stage that I really can't define. I am tearing away from feelings for wife....visualize taking a piece of cheesy pizza from the whole. The piece is coming out but the strands of cheese are still connected. I am trying to break the strands. Damn...now I'm hungry.
Sometimes the key to our mental health...finding our peace is simple. The word "time" is simple but you have to nurture the gift of time. We can't just let it happen. We have to take advantage of it. Time is not an enemy...it is something to take advantage of but not let it go without paying attention to it. That is where we need (you need) to DB. My friend, you need to go dark. While you are dark, use "time" to heal and detach. Pray for strength. Pray for strenght to NOT call or write W. She does not want you "right now". As NYS will tell you, things and feelings change every day, every week and every year. Let time work and do it's thing. Let time work and maybe, maybe W will change her feelings for OM and for you. I believe that Walk Aways change their feelings for Left behinds (us) when their feelings for OP's change. They can't come home to us and they won't feel love for us untill their feelings for OP are gone. That is where time is your weapon. The great thing about it is that we can go on with our lives (our choice) and think positive about everything. Just let W go and enjoy. Be sad when it's time but do it without W's knowledge. She should not be involved in your new normal. She is the kids' mom and that is it. Don't call or write. Go dark. She will never respect you or think about you as long as you chase her. As long as you long for her and she knows it.
Ok, Db. Go to work. Start now. Go dark and enjoy your life. It's ok to think about her but that is it. Just like the playboy magazine pin up when you were 12. You like her but there is not a damn thing you can do about it....so accept that and let time take you forward.
As NYS will tell you, things and feelings change every day, every week and every year... I believe that Walk Aways change their feelings for Left behinds (us) when their feelings for OP's change.
It does happen. Case in point: an online bud of mine had his ex walk away about a year and some months ago, take up with a prestigious OM. My friend did everything he could, he was impeccable with his efforts. Made his changes, but the sitch didn't change. He went ahead with his life all the same, and found someone much better for himself, he's so happy now, bless him! But now, even though she's still with the OM, his ex is calling him almost every day, expressing regrets, wants to talk. She realizes what an absolutely great guy he really is, and she probably understands now that the problems weren't all about him. He doesn't want her anymore though, he now realizes what is better for him. He's amazed at how his ex now appears to be going through all the emotions that he had gone through.
Oh my...I have nothing to say except that I agree with Tam. I just want to give you a hug (((((db))))) I will pray for you to have strength. It will get better.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
thank you tambo for the knowledge, ny for comments, and got my first hug ever, thank you spitfire. i am writing this from the airport, spent friday, saturday, and sunday with daughters. they are such beautiful, intelligent, sensitive seven and three year old little beings. we spent the days swimming, walking, went to parks, laughed, and they are truly my natural antidepressants. of course i miss my wife, and it hurts like mad. however, now i am taking an anxiolytic which really is helping tremendously. i am definitely going to take antidepressants, i really need them, waiting to find a good psychiatrist. when i arrived, went to my Ds, agreed with W, i was gonna spend 3 days with them in a hotel. we acted civilized, yet i did not talk to her like before, trying to act like a friend. i avoided all kinds of convos, was very distant. during the days , she did not call except for Sunday night, to arrange if Ds stayed Sunday with me. my flight leaves at 8:30 am, so i was going to get ready by 6, and she would drop by to wait for them to wake up...... well, i was ready, and when she got to the hotel and knocked on the door, she acted so natural, that in a microsecond, i felt this strength to distance myself from her, but mostly from the anger, the pain to see all the laughter of my kids, sensing their confusion of why they were only with me, their need to tell me they loved me, their questions, and somehow this repressed feelings of ordering me to fix all of this. i just saw her, was not rude, told her what i had bought, and to pack some of Ds clothes, and then just left. i did not give her a chance to talk, i sensed whe wanted to talk a bit more, maybe money. but i just left, saying nothing. right now, in hindsight, i feel that i should have talked, maybe expressed yet again to i loved her, maybe should have told her that the times spent with our kids was wonderful but not complete, etc.... BUT, i know these dont work, that is why i came here in the airport to vent, and it really helped to read tambos lines, you see i still cant believe this is all happening. even though i made huge mistakes during my marriage, i always had this model of having MY family, it was my property, my structure, it was my emotional security. now, that it is gone, it is not only pretty hard to accept, it is a big lesson in not to take anything for granted, to enjoy everything you like or have as your own treasures. it is pretty painful to accept that i dont get to see my Ds everyday, that i cant count on my beloved W. it makes it worst just to know that she gives her love to someone else. i dont know how it went, maybe she doesnt give a F.... that i left like that (most likely), but through that i am beginning to detach. as i write, i feel like when i read some other posts where you sense the person is dying of love, and is over analyzing every move of the abducted alien. that is how i feel right now, i know i have alot of road to travel to be able to move on. i am going to work until friday then going back this friday home. my mother will pick up the girls, friday as well, and we will spend xmas, nyears, and the plan is that they will stay with me for about 2 months. good time to love them , and get used to the double home for them. i will just have to save money to travel at least once a month and pay for the hotel as well. that makes me mad, however, i pray and thought stop quite often, it just makes one sick. ok sorry for the long post.......
hello everyone, well like i wrote, my Ds came home, they have been 1 week with me, and everything is going well. last saturday, i had a dinner celebrating my 40th bday. it was complete with Ds present, family, and old friends. got totally drunk, because i had margaritas for cocktail, dinner was accompanied by wine, and had cognac for dessert. mistake was that i had 3iple serving of cognac. later went to a club, and had a sad massive hang over the next day. oh well, that is how i started my new decade. Ds are happy, they really live in the now, i go to work, i organize their mornings, come to lunch, then organize their afternoons, and come back early to share with them. next week i am going to spend more time with them, and after xmas, we are going with bro and his kids, and my parents to spend a week hanging out in a valley type kind of city with temperate weather. i think i am GALing, pretty much accepted what life gave me, and with the help of T, am finding me again. i feel fine, i feel better. it is so good not to have expectations about W, i ask myself, why couldnt i have done this before??????????????????????? it would have saved me alot of anguish. then againn, good experience to enjoy some peace. cant enjoy guitar playing if you never tried it, so it was good to feel real pain i guess. W is the same, pretty much, a friend and detacheed, difference is that now i dont care that much. it has been 5 months now. i am pretty sure i feel the way i feel because i know my Ds love me, and i know they are fine, ad i know i have not lost them. it would have been nice to be with W as well, but she decided this, so that is it.
I'm so glad to hear that things with your D's went so well. I can tell by your post how pleased you are; that's great. Glad you had a happy 40th birthday, and belated greetings being sent to you!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
