I have been reading alot lately, but havent got the urge to write. My last interventions were pretty negative, and I guess I shouldn’t write anger, for this is a pro marriage site. I am again riding the roller coaster, I don’t know what to decide…. My W did not answer my proposition yet….. maybe she is thinking and taking her time, consulting, for this is a real mess. I am now inclined to just give her the D, and let her stay with Ds, because it is the best for them, to be with their mother. Sooner or later I will heal and move on, so why jeopardize our future friendship. Plus my Ds, have a good mother…….. My roller coaster emotional ride is due to the fact that I am not patient at all…. I like things to be clear, I don’t know how to flow, and be flexible. I read again MFs thread, and that guy deserves a statue anywhere in the world, preferably in a park close to his house, what a master of patience and love. I wonder how he is doing, I hope he found what he worked for…. Its funny how one starts to read different forums, and really get interested differently, as time passes by. Now I have been reading the prayer circle, divorced but not done, and newcomers, where I should have started…. But me, I thought to start at WAW because that was what I needed, now I am here, the infidelity forum, but I am starting to accept the divorce but not done situation. I feel like in college, and in highschool, alone, the difference is that I accepted and was happy with that freedom, plus my emotional support came from my family, and friends. Now, I cant appreciate them, I miss W and Ds, so I feel empty, really lonely. I am definitely depressed… like today I went to sleep at my parents, watched cable and went to sleep with my clothes on, woke up, watched tv, ate, watched tv, slept, had tea with them, came back home, wrote here, called Ds, …….same clothes, forgot evertything. Medications? I hate the feeling of being drowsy, I feel like a robot/zombie/puppet. I have been smoking a lot though, and it is starting to bother me. Read tambos thread, I sensed he is through, he has no more patience, and perceived him as discouraged. I don’t blame you, I understand………..ups and downs. Waw fighters thread made me cry of happinnes for him, I cried and felt like when I watch the Olympics, or the Worl Football Championships, when the winners get the medals, I always cry, for heroism, the hard work, the glory…………. I also read burgbuds thread, what a nice guy, he deserves to go back with W, oh they are so blind to acknowledge the true treasures they have right before them….. Problem is that us have probably done so much damage, and during so much time, that when we truly understand and listen and see the problems, it is late, very late……….. so much so, that they find peace in others, what true mistakes. When I cheated and abandoned my M, in presence, time, and energy, I knew deep inside I was wrong, but I was blind, I actually thought it did not matter because my M was sacred, that I was to die old holding my Ws hand, walking in parks and talking, and sharing………….. I took my life for granted. Now I see so many men doing the same things, they don’t look at their wives, are sometimes rude, bad jokes, are indifferent….. but I cant tell them my story or change them. Oh well, hope everybody starts the week with strength, love, and patience….. see you soon.
