rabbithole, i had alot of work lately. in no way did you offend me, u enlightened me, but i have to update........ before, thanks again for your insight...... ok, W lately has sent me emails, being nice and polite as always, but insisting that we should define things for the purpose of our Ds mental health.... oh by the way, the letter i wrote about, at the end of writing it, i was crying so hard that i blew it, it turns out she didnt receive it, maybe i didnt send it, maybe forgot to press the send button..... at her insistence we chatted on saturday. the night before, my therapist (after not seeing her 2 weeks) told me or suggested that my depression doesnt come from my R, but from my love to Ds. after careful analysis, that is the major percentage of my sadness, the fact that i cannot see them or that i participate in her growing up process. if it were not for them, say if we married and had no children, i think i would completely erase her from my mind, because i would not put up being the second guy, and waiting for her time to wake up. i am totally sure i would move on. that really made sense to me and felt that i should actually take a hold of my situation and also be honest with me and with her.... so that was my frame of mind when we chatted.... ok, so on saturday, i expressed what i felt. told her we had done much damage to each other, sort of hinting that our R was irreversibly broken, but that i wanted and demanded, for i have also the right, to be present in our Ds lives. so i proposed to her for them to move back. i would buy a house for them, give her a car, and would give her extra money for her expenses. she would have also free time to travel to the other state, but the benefit would be that our Ds would have access to their father and mother. i asked her to please consider this option for the sake of Ds lives, because i know, and they express, that they miss me much. so i pretty much took a stance, and sort of blew it, however i feel good and bad, ambivelent, because deep inside i would like my family back. started re reading DR, and found that one has to read the concepts again and again, my understanding, after 4 months is totally different then whe i first read the book, this because my needs were different. what i got this time is that sheer determination, will power, strength, patience, and time are truly necessary..... and that if i am to do that, i will probably go mentally insane. the concept of detachment and GALing also took a different light in my perspective. GAling and detachment for me now, is to move on..... not expecting really to go back..... however, i believe that is truly impossible if you still have hope...... that is why it is better just to move on, although you dont want the consequences of actually filing and all the drama.... my W responded that she would seriously consider the proposition, and i am still waiting. however, she doesnt know that i could legally enforce that right, because here if there is an abandonment, i guess the LBS has the right for full custody. so i am again in limbo land, fighting for my sanity, and in my pillow, praying to God for a miracle. all this has made me anxious, i am growing zits like a teenager, maybe its time to take some medication, which i have refused to do......... i truly love you all for the courage, wisdom, and fraternity i absorb while reading all the posts, in my desperate hours of loneliness......... God bless you all.
