Sorry it has taken me so long to catch up. From reading all of your posts here and on WAW, it sounds like you're just wanting to jump out of your own skin. You don't quite know what to do with yourself...understandibly so I might add.
I was just telling a friend the other day that it is so hard to jump into a thread and start offering advice, cause you read and you feel like everyone else is doing a great job answering all ready, what could I possibly have to add to all that...but I will give you what I've got.
As a WAW myself, who has turned the corner, here's just a few observations...
1. Absolutely do not go out with another woman. Find friends that are guys, learn how to have fun with the same sex. I hated that a month after I left, even though I was adamant we were better being friends, that my husband joined eharmony.com and met some girl who he started IMing from a weekend he was out with his friends. I know that when I was adamant about being friends, it was my head convincing my heart. My heart still had doubts, but my heart was so incredibly hurt and the only thing that could stop that pain was my head telling me I knew what was best. "I know you feel like you love him, but you KNOW he has hurt you time and time again. You KNOW what is best. This may hurt for a little bit, but at least now he can't hurt you anymore." When he did those things, it made me head more right.
2. I know you hate the fact there is OM in the picture, but there is NOTHING you can do...it's her choice, not yours. You need to keep repeating to yourself, "either she'll see my changes, or she won't." You need to be you, stop worrying about her. She's in control of her life, you're in control of yours. My advice to you on this...get control of your own life as your first step...you'll feel much better, like this weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Stop looking at this situation as you trying to win her back, first try and win your own love...then attempt to share it. Do the things in hope that you can find strength, patience, and inner peace. I know you feel like things are slipping so quickly and all you want to do is stop them...you're in a hurry because you don't want her to make a mistake YOU believe you both will never be able to return from. You're still protecting you by trying to control things. She's gonna make mistakes, the real test is "can you forgive her for those?"
3. When I left, I believed I didn't love my XH anymore. We were cool as friends, we always were, but when it came to a realtionship, he had no idea how to be in one. I was there for him, but he had no idea how to be there for me. And because of that, I emotionally was drained. How do you fill up that emptiness...some look for someone else, others look to themselves. Here's what I'll tell you from my sitch...I left believing my XH cared more about himself than he ever did about me or our marriage. When I left, I shut the door, slammed it actually...but something told me I needed to be a better person than that. I didn't just spend 9 years of my life with someone that I didn't care about. If I was best friends with someone, how all of the sudden do we just cut all ties...so I said "let's be friends". Being friends, I thought, would allow me some objectivity in the situation...he was completely free to make his own choices, as they didn't affect me anymore. But what I realize now, is that sometimes I was HOPING he'd do something in particular that would tell me I was wrong...he did care about me as much as he did himself. I was still in the same cycle of our marriage...I was still clinging to the possibility that I was wrong, but everytime he did something as he always did it pushed me faster in the other direction, confirming I had been right all along. "If he was so in love with me as he professed and how he realizes all of these things about himself, he would choose ___________" but he always chose immediate gratification for himself. I hope this point is getting across....he couldn't have patience...he couldn't get a life outside of me that was still going to be health for the both of us...he was depressed, lonely, sad, etc. and he was trying to cure that anyway he knew how...the only way he knew how...from someone else. All I wanted was him to want me and do those things that said that. Not flowers, letters, etc, but by his everyday actions of healing himself.
I know we keep saying this to you, but patience...have patience...truly accept her reasons, don't just say you do, actually look from her eyes and say to yourself "If I were her, I'd be doing the exact same things". Then look at you through her eyes. By your hasty responses you are doing exactly what she expects from you. You say you've changed, but you haven't...this is all still about you and what you want and when you want it. When truly to do a 180, you need to make it about her and let it be okay. I'm not saying give up...so don't take it that way, but I am saying...give in to the hurt so you can heal and be there for her like you've never been before.
DBing is awesome, but don't treat it like a process or things, it needs to be a belief. It isn't something you do to get your marriage back, it's something you do to have a better life and better relationships...because if you asked all of us to answer truthfully if we wanted our marriage back, we'd all tell you "NO WAY, we want a better M back and the only way is to have both H and W at the table as better people." You don't want your wife back right now in the state of mind she's in...you do your work and all you can do is have faith she'll do hers.
Nickel
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
