thanks ny, BTW i studied in st johns university from 1987-1992, crazy town. oh well, W sort of told me about Ds , ¨when they go visit you¨, so i know what shes thinking. maybe she needs quality time with OM, big blow. ok, have to write what i feel.... i cant deal too well with the patience thing, i really would like to just move on, and forget about everything. problem. i am totally codependent, i cant seem to have fun without a structure, i like to have that and then in the sort of time i have left, do the things i like. thats why i miss my family so much, im used to being busy with them. so now that i have all the time in the world to do anything, plus money, i have no motivation to do anything. sometimes i feel and understand old people, lonely, and clinging to stupid routines, like watching tv, cleaning, washing, cant even cook, just hanging out. its actually pretty depressing. very depressing. before getting married, i was a party animal, so that took a lot of my time, plus i had fun. now, i cant do that because its like, been there, done that. plus it would be unhealthy and dangerous for my current situation. but i find that i am not fun, i a m codependent fun. that really saddens me because well im almost 40. i feel stuck, i plan to have better days, but the feeling of wanting my marriage back is so strong, that i just cant GAL and move on. how do you do that. its a thing i did not grow up from, or faced, its a problem i had, because when i started cheating and going out alot, it was a way of coping with pressure, and with sort of boredom. those days of free bohemian fun, i cant repeat them, they are days long gone. now , my challenge is to do fun things for me, but i really have to practice and work hard at them. but, its tough to change, specially older, not impossible, but hard. i have this image, when a was little, i never learned to have fun for myself, i remember, always looked for outside, to have fun. that is my challenge, its like im fighting the battle of life, every day, every minute. its really weird to be living that now. another idea i have reading these beautiful posts, is that all people here, arent we a little too wimpy?? i mean we cling to something the others do not care for anymore. we are madly in love, and are actually hurting ourselves, because we havent decided, and are trying desperately to change them indirectly, being nice, supportive,a cting sort of, when we do have that anger, that if it were honest, we would manifest it in punches. the other image i have of us, sometimes, is that we are wise, that we are doing the right and noble thing, that in retrospect we will be proud of who we were during these days of turmoil, sort of like heroes. oh, ambivalence, i know life isnt black or white, sometimes its gray and sometimes colorful. i sometimes wish i could be like forrest gump, and have this zen mind state permanently, so that if i type, just type, eat, just eat, just be and stop thinking about Ds and W. existence. life. i always had philosophical battles within me, since a little boy, i remember kicking pebbles and thinking, that if i didnt kick it, the pebble would just stay there, i would thing that the pebble should be grateful, and than thinking who would kick me, and who should i thank. i know im growing up , again, now i believe that one stops growing up the moment you stop breathing. in old age, ill have to deal with health, death, etc. now, it is just the higschool of life. it doesnt matter where , how, or with what you live, we are all in the same cosmic experience.
