Thanks to tambos invitation i am moving here. my post was WAW, in the walk away wife syndrome forum, if you would like to read my situation..... well, updating, i got pissed tonight because my W took my Ds to spend sunday with the OM. i prepared for that before, but it really got to me. called her up and threatened her that if she kept that up, i would file and make a point of getting custody of Ds. then i called her again, and explained that i was hurt and apologized for the threats. then called again and told her that i loved all of them and that thinking that OM would spend time with them without me, just killed me. she said she understood and that she was hurting as well (YEAH RIGHT, YOU F...... B....). well, here it goes, i am frankly sick and tired of waiting, i dont think i have the strength and patience to go back with her. i really feel that i want to be a good father and try my best to be with them when i can (Ds, that is). concerning W, i really feel a huge wall beginning to solidify in my heart, i reached the threshold where anger beats my loving memories of her. i feel that my guilt is being covered by anger which will be manifested through indifference. and i am really good at building walls, in this case however, because i gave so much of me to my M, i really felt vulnerable. her attitudes, and actions however, are pushing me to this... i am deeply hurt and i just wish i would have never met her, if only i didnt have my Ds, i would sleep like a baby. Ds keep me on the rollercoaster ride........ oh well, i guess day by day ill have to see what God prepared for my life.
what i wrote was pretty aggresive. well, im now going to a retreat to stay for 10 days meditating, vipassana meditation, cant talk, eat veggies, wake up at 4 am, and sleep at 9 pm. cant read, or write. talked to my W, amazing we are starting to click again, we analyzed the wrongs, but she has the OM, but our communication is better, i guess its because she has done so much damage, that her ego is sort of repaired for all the damage i have caused. oh well, i still find i love her, although i wouldnt go back so easy, i would really have to feel it, feel her commitment. i dont date, dont want or feel like it, but i think i will if i find someone i am attracted to (its not easy finding that special person). im in a good mood. ill leave you guys with a golden rule: TRUTH -the first thought about something before you have time to think about it. SIMPLICITY- living within your means. LOVE- comes when you practice truth and simplicity; love is GOD.
You sound like I feel quite often. Just last night I was thinking that my h was beginning to look like a roommate to me (and not the fun kind either) and I didn't care what he did. Then I thought about our daughter and what our family means to her. So, I kept DBing and went to sleep. This morning, I hated him but I kept DBing and he went to work. Right now, I miss him and am glad I kept DBing because I really DON'T want our marriage to end like this. The point is, just wait a couple of days until your emotions calm down and then revisist what you want.
I can commiserate with you DBNow. I have stipulated to my WAW that my children (S4, D2) will not be introduced to OM until after our divorce is final. She has agreed to this, but then she wants to move them in to OM's home and put the kids up there 50% of the time.
It's all very sickening. Sorry you're in a similar boat than I am. I have definitely built the wall up in my heart. I pray every day to save our marriage for our kids sake, and I pray I'll want her back when that day comes.
After your retreat you should be well prepared to stay focused and engage in whatever positive actions you can to preserve the stability of your family. Best Wishes.
ok guys, update, i gave up on the retreat after 2 and a half days. i was honestly going crazy, very tough meditating all day, and not being able to talk or read or write..... it all went downhill when after the first day, i had a vivid crystal clear dream where my Ds were there, and i made up with W, when i woke up and saw where i was, i started crying very hard.... oh well, i gave up and i felt great, because its the first time i gave up on something, and it felt good. actually, it was liberating, because i am accepting what i like and dont like, not just doing things because i have to. that pattern is what i did on my career, my master studies, even my M, where i do it without evaluating if i am comfortable. i always had a dream of joining a monastery, now i know, its not for me, it was an eye opener. just accept who you are and cherish yourself. first love yourself. came back out, i have an apt in this city, rented godfather 1 and 2, and just saw the films.......rejoicing that i am a bit of a couch potato, but having fun. i miss my family, question for all of you during holidays, should i invite W to spend some days with Ds? or should i avoid it because it is too soon? what if she says she has plans with OM? should i go for the pain? if we spend time and we just act like friends, would it ruin the supportive friend phase? should i wait for her to make the move or hint something? god bless all of you......
thanks ny, BTW i studied in st johns university from 1987-1992, crazy town. oh well, W sort of told me about Ds , ¨when they go visit you¨, so i know what shes thinking. maybe she needs quality time with OM, big blow. ok, have to write what i feel.... i cant deal too well with the patience thing, i really would like to just move on, and forget about everything. problem. i am totally codependent, i cant seem to have fun without a structure, i like to have that and then in the sort of time i have left, do the things i like. thats why i miss my family so much, im used to being busy with them. so now that i have all the time in the world to do anything, plus money, i have no motivation to do anything. sometimes i feel and understand old people, lonely, and clinging to stupid routines, like watching tv, cleaning, washing, cant even cook, just hanging out. its actually pretty depressing. very depressing. before getting married, i was a party animal, so that took a lot of my time, plus i had fun. now, i cant do that because its like, been there, done that. plus it would be unhealthy and dangerous for my current situation. but i find that i am not fun, i a m codependent fun. that really saddens me because well im almost 40. i feel stuck, i plan to have better days, but the feeling of wanting my marriage back is so strong, that i just cant GAL and move on. how do you do that. its a thing i did not grow up from, or faced, its a problem i had, because when i started cheating and going out alot, it was a way of coping with pressure, and with sort of boredom. those days of free bohemian fun, i cant repeat them, they are days long gone. now , my challenge is to do fun things for me, but i really have to practice and work hard at them. but, its tough to change, specially older, not impossible, but hard. i have this image, when a was little, i never learned to have fun for myself, i remember, always looked for outside, to have fun. that is my challenge, its like im fighting the battle of life, every day, every minute. its really weird to be living that now. another idea i have reading these beautiful posts, is that all people here, arent we a little too wimpy?? i mean we cling to something the others do not care for anymore. we are madly in love, and are actually hurting ourselves, because we havent decided, and are trying desperately to change them indirectly, being nice, supportive,a cting sort of, when we do have that anger, that if it were honest, we would manifest it in punches. the other image i have of us, sometimes, is that we are wise, that we are doing the right and noble thing, that in retrospect we will be proud of who we were during these days of turmoil, sort of like heroes. oh, ambivalence, i know life isnt black or white, sometimes its gray and sometimes colorful. i sometimes wish i could be like forrest gump, and have this zen mind state permanently, so that if i type, just type, eat, just eat, just be and stop thinking about Ds and W. existence. life. i always had philosophical battles within me, since a little boy, i remember kicking pebbles and thinking, that if i didnt kick it, the pebble would just stay there, i would thing that the pebble should be grateful, and than thinking who would kick me, and who should i thank. i know im growing up , again, now i believe that one stops growing up the moment you stop breathing. in old age, ill have to deal with health, death, etc. now, it is just the higschool of life. it doesnt matter where , how, or with what you live, we are all in the same cosmic experience.
When I read that you were going to a retreat like that I was impressed, but thought it might be a little ambitious. Those things are HARD. A few months after my H moved in with OW I went to a health resort, that wasn't as full on as yours, but still, heaps of exercise/yoga, quite a lot of meditation, very sparten lodgings and food etc and I found it really difficult.
I think you have to be in a very strong mental state to cope coming face to face with yourself for such a long period of time.
My advice, for what it's worth, is stay as a supportive friend until you get a strongish signal from her that more would be OK. I know it's hard, but patience is the key for you my friend.
Cheers, Virginia
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
