Quote: Was the infertility as a result of physical issues of yours or of your wife's? Had you/she/both of you been hoping for more children?
could've been both. can't say absolutely. long story!
Quote: I only ask because if it is your wife's, then she would be pretty close to understanding the lost dream concept. Even though you now have a son, and I'm sure you're both very happy about that, the sense that your body has betrayed you by not doing what other bodies do so easily (and in fact what other bodies have to be PREVENTED from doing) is something a woman doesn't necessarily "get over" (again, similar to the flying issue).
yes, it is, or can be, very similar. however, there are many paths to parenthood, and not many government agencies out there that are telling people that they will not be *allowed* to do this. But yes, for those who wind up with a diagnosis of "sterility" (not common), its a very similar sort of loss...a loss of identity...shocking, for most, although some can see it coming, from family history or past medical problems that are known to "maybe cause fertility issues" someday. Still, though, probably more analagous to my being rejected by the military for some picayune reason, but not completely disqualified from all other sorts of commercial aviation. I could still reach the goal, but the path would be different than I expected...but no, mine is completely GONE.
Quote: If it was your physical issue, then couple that with the heart thing and that's something else to grieve/be pissed off about/feel betrayed over.
well, W has plenty for which to feal "betrayed" by her own body...other medical problems, auto-immune arthritis...her own body attacking her own body...probably very much a factor in the infertility, too. *I* have alot of anger over some possible male-factor issues. Medication I was taking for years could have been our initial problem...no way to prove it, but this medication is *known* to cause male-factor infertility, but only a very few doctors (infertility specialists)know about it. There should be big red letters on the bottle: MAY CAUSE INFERTILITY IN MEN. but there isn't. why? I don't know. Its being researched as a potential male birth control pill. a category of blood pressure medication, extremely common, known as "calcium channel blocker". anyway, the first line of defense irt "infertility" is your family doc, most commonly the w's gyneocologist...they don't know JACK about infertility, but they get stuck with it. and they certainly don't know about this pill...so we wasted a couple of years before getting to a real expert...who basically ignored the male half of the equation. I stumbled across this info on the internet...questioned the reproductive endocrinologist, who said, "oops...sorry". But NOW...several years had past since W originally presented as "normal" on all the initial infertility screenings...now, she's showing signs of "too old". so we had to battle that....
anyway, it *could* have been a male factor problem initially...we don't know. the only way to know is to do an IVF cycle, whilst on this medication, which no RE would allow...and see if the spermies fertilize the egg. (the medication in question inhibits this function; it does not lower sperm counts...but most people, MD's included, think that the presence of sperm equates to a male's fertility. they are completely ignorant.). I actually know several people that tell the story: they were having problems, consulted a competant doc...doc said, "might be your meds, bob...lets change 'em"...then 3 months later, they're pg. (it takes 3 months to make sperm...stop this med, and 3 months later, you've got a fresh batch of unaffected swimmers rolling off the assembly line.) sigh...you got me started. didn't I say, "don't get me started"? anyway...yeah, I'm pissed because this whole thing might have been completely avoidable.
Quote: Your comment
Quote: I'll just add that the infertility has been "resolved". I only mentioned it as an analogy...
seems to minimize the issue. Infertility is a big deal. I agree with you that the process of dealing with this probably left scars...
again, not minimizing...just further enlightening. yeah, it sure as heck IS a big deal...probably much more so than the other stuff, in terms of sheer impact on the R...but like I said, more from the "process". the state of being infertile has past...
Quote: I'm curious: Since you started out in such an unromantic way, I'm wondering if y'all hadn't been able to have a baby, would the marriage have survived?
I think it would have. we were actually getting pretty used to the idea of it never working. our prognosis was very, very poor. The +pg test came as a real shock to both of us. we were very lucky. remember, too, this is not the point where the "happily ever-after" commenced, either. next came pg, and mommy-hood, which was worse for the R than the infertility. thats another chapter for another day...
But yes, for those who wind up with a diagnosis of "sterility" (not common), its a very similar sort of loss...a loss of identity...shocking, for most, although some can see it coming, from family history or past medical problems that are known to "maybe cause fertility issues" someday. Still, though, probably more analagous to my being rejected by the military for some picayune reason, but not completely disqualified from all other sorts of commercial aviation. I could still reach the goal, but the path would be different than I expected...but no, mine is completely GONE. 
