Geez, blackfoot, are you pretending that you don't follow this?
Here's a play-by-play:
Chuck was starting to reveal the pain in his life, the stuff he is protecting. First it came out that he had to give up his dream of flying because of a heart condition. I suggested that he take some time to grieve that loss. He said that his W had said the same thing to him-- namely, that he needed to grieve that loss. I thought this was HUGE-- that she was empathetic enough to observe this and comment on it. I suggested that she might be enlisted as an ALLY in his effort to reach some healing over what clearly is a very big issue in his life.
Then you and some others (not just you) started telling Chuck of their lost dreams, making suggestions about stuff he could do to still be involved with flying, etc.
Chuck deflected most of those suggestions with comments that boiled down to "you people really don't understand my pain, so stop acting like you do."
I took the position that that was a perfectly legitimate response and that we should respect it. I said that while those suggestions were well-intentioned, they were premature. Somewhere later, Chuck might very well find a way to be involved with flying, but NOW the task is to deal with the feelings of loss and not try to gloss over those feelings.
Chuck AGREED with me here and in doing so, revealed another piece of the puzzle:
Lil: These statements by the other posters ARE meant to offer you comfort, because people don't want you to hurt, but they are about as comforting as when people said to me beside my huband's coffin, "You're young-- you'll meet someone." Yes, people said that. That was true, but way premature.
Chuck: there's certain things that people just won't "get" until its happened to them. "loss of a spouse" is a big one. ane while they were partly "right" ("you'll find someone"), you won't ever replace H. not ever. life goes on, sure, and it may be a good one, but it won't be the same one.
I found this to be the case with infertility, which w and I had to go through. I used to "not get it". then it happened to me; now I get it. here's a tip: don't ever ever ever say to anyone thats having this kind of difficulty, "why don't you just adopt?". OK? just don't.
namely, that he and his wife also had infertility issues. There is a lot of grief and sadness in Chuck's household. No doubt these have something to do with the relationship issues Chuck and his W are experiencing. I was trying to get back to the topic of grieving and acknowledging the unresolved issues between C and his W. To me, these were germaine to the marriage issues topic rather than further suggestions that he find substitutes for flying or just accept that lots of people have lost dreams so get over it. Of course wandering off the main path (where the discomfort is) and knocking ultra-lights, etc., is a lot more appealing than sticking with painful issues. (All of my pilot friends agree that ULs are death machines.)
