Cobra, like you said, people on the boards probably have a ton of hardship stories. But, I couldn't pass the opportunity to express my Dad's. Back in 1974 when my Mom was 8 months pregnant for me, my Dad lost both of his legs in a motorcycle accident. He was sprawled over train tracks and well, you can guess the rest. One leg was amputated on the spot, the other at the hospital. It's a freakin miracle he survived. I also have my guesses at karma, but that does no one any good.
The point to this story is what my Dad did with his life AFTER his accident. He was a truck driver and obviously wasn't going to be able to go back to that any time soon, if ever. So, he went back to school and opened his own upholstery business out of our garage. That may have been him 'just doing what he needed to do' or whatever he may say about it. Honestly, I've never discussed it with him, but posting this makes me realize that I really should. My Dad is older now and he should know that I consider him an inspiration and that I admire him for doing what he did. I've never known my Dad with my legs and honestly I've never ONCE seen him get emotional/angry about it. I'm sure he's had many internal struggles and I'm sure that he's had anger that may have manifested itself in other ways, but he never played the victim. So Cobra, I didn't get the victim status from my Dad
Our time here is short. It doesn't go as planned and it doesn't always go as you'd hope. BUT, if you'd like to touch the lives of those close to you in ways that will outlive your time here on Earth, then be an inspiration. You are not a bird with clipped wings. You are a bird who's learning a new way to fly.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
...You are still deflecting and avoiding your responsibility in setting your own direction and making the best of what you’ve got. Stop trying to dodge this and find someone to make it better for you. ...
...Do you have it in you to become an inspiration to your family by becoming a success in some other way? Can you empower yourself enough to feel good about another career?
I'm not dodgeing or avoiding anything; I simply explained what "happened" to me. I did move on. I am making the best of what I've got. It took a long time to find another good fit, but I did it. I have another career that I feel good about, at which I like to think I'm a success. It works for me. But when push comes to shove...I'd rather be flying, and that will always be the case.
heatherg: didn't see your post before I made this one. but I bet if you asked your dad, he'd say he wished he had his legs back.
Chuch, please respond to MY post to you. Don't use the posts others made that were not to your satisfaction as a reason to crawl back in your hole. Again, you're giving away your power. It doesn't matter what people say to you.
Now please go back and read MY last post to you and respond to that.
PEOPLE: Please hold of on the "life is hard for everyone so get over it already" posts for now, okay? Use some finess and descretion, okay? Now I feel like I'm back at Square One with Chuck.
This certainly wont replace being a navy/AF pilot, but have you ever Looked into flying ultralights? No license is needed.
When Richard Bach (a flyer thru and thru) was grounded for several years because of finances? ... I think it was... he found his refuge when ultralights came about a few years later.
I totally understand valuing a dream and having a desire more valuable then life. Ever see the movie 'Gattaca'?
Everyone, would you please listen to yourselves? In subtle ways you're telling Chuck not to feel what he is feeling.
This is not about convincing Chuck we understand the loss of his dream, or telling him other ways he can get happiness he feels he would have gotten from flying, or how to find substitutes for flying.
I'm asking to Chuck to FEEL the loss... to FEEL the disappointment, as a path to unlocking the other feelings that the undigested anger and sadness are keeping locked up. To let these feelings into his body so that they can finally be digested, processed, and let go.
Like when water freezes, yes it locks up the water, but also the other stuff that was floating in the water at the time that it froze... the boat, the beer cooler, and even the dog. What needs to happen here is to THAW the ice.
What's happening-- right or wrong-- is that when he reads these well-intentioned suggestions he feels discounted, misunderstood, devalued all over again (I said right or wrong)... so he is in turn inflicting discounting statements, lack of understanding, and devaluing upon the person making the statement, e.g. "I TOLD you no one would understand." Can't you tell by his responses that he is not in the mood to hear these kinds of suggestions, however well-meant?
And in truth, he's right-- we don't exactly understand. BUT THAT'S OKAY. Let him have this. Please concede that he knows his internal landscape better than any of us anonymous strangers. He believes that nothing will ever take the place of being a pilot. Okay. Let's give him THAT much respect, okay? These comments IMHO are, frankly, distracting to the thawing process. He is using them to reinforce his feelings of separation, isolation, being uniquely cursed.
Chuck, I'm asking you to BE with the feelings of disappointment, as you would BE with the child in you who has found out that there is not going to be any Christmas... and to refrain from pushing people away who are offering you comfort.
These statements by the other posters ARE meant to offer you comfort, because people don't want you to hurt, but they are about as comforting as when people said to me beside my huband's coffin, "You're young-- you'll meet someone." Yes, people said that. That was true, but way premature.
And people, if any of my statements seem to devalue YOUR effort to comfort Chuck, 1) take it out on me, not him, and 2) note his reply to you and ask if you did indeed bring comfort.
This whole thing isn't about flying, it's about a man who is mad at the world for killing his dream-- and at his own HEART for betraying him! He has put a giant chip on his shoulder, and wall around himself that is separating him from his wife and from the world.
When the ice has thawed, when he has let himself grieve this loss, feel his sadness, offered comfort to himself and accepted comfort from others, he will be perfectly capable of finding fulfilling pursuits, which may or may not be flying related. This will take time... possibly months or even years.
This is process of growth, digestion, flow... It's like growing hair, not getting a haircut! It is a journey, not a destination.
P.S. My husband lost a leg, and as his wife, I saw MUCH grieving, anger, rage at his helplessness, feelings of being damaged-- the simplest things that he took for granted before were difficult or even impossible. He NEVER shared these feelings with his grown children. For them he always wore the brave face. In public he wore the brave face, too.
...but have you ever Looked into flying ultralights? No license is needed.
you mean "ultra-FRIGHTs"? well...they might have some appeal, but no, not really. expensive toy. And I have a license. what I don't have is a medical certificate. (pilots need medical certification...periodic physicals by faa-certified Drs' in order to be legal to fly; there are different standards for different categories of flying: private, commercial, airline). don't need one of those, either, for an ultralight...and now, you don't need one for a "real" airplane that has less than 100hp and 1200lbs gross weight. which limits you to something like a cub or champ...very small, 2 seat aircraft...daytime only, no ifr...not much more than an "ultralight". (new faa rules for what they call a "sport pilot" category).
hey, I once knew Richard Bach's ex-wife and kids. She kept an airplane (a vintage "Tiger Moth" biplane) at the airport where I learned to fly...lived in the same town...kids were about my age. they moved away when I was still in school. that was a looooong time ago...
anyway, not really my "schtick". I think I've probably had enough of being up in the sky, just for the sake of being up in the sky. I got my biggest kick from the practical application of the skill...going somewhere, doing something...
Quote: These statements by the other posters ARE meant to offer you comfort, because people don't want you to hurt, but they are about as comforting as when people said to me beside my huband's coffin, "You're young-- you'll meet someone." Yes, people said that. That was true, but way premature.
there's certain things that people just won't "get" until its happened to them. "loss of a spouse" is a big one. ane while they were partly "right" ("you'll find someone"), you won't ever replace H. not ever. life goes on, sure, and it may be a good one, but it won't be the same one. I found this to be the case with infertility, which w and I had to go through. I used to "not get it". then it happened to me; now I get it. here's a tip: don't ever ever ever say to anyone thats having this kind of difficulty, "why don't you just adopt?". OK? just don't.
I don't know that I'm much for personifying individual organs, but I suppose thats somewhat true. I think it would be easier if there was some ONE to be mad at, rather than a "thing". a heart, or just the circumstance itself...has no conscience. (back to the "it just IS"). There was no malice, or negligence on anyone's part, myself included. "blaming" may not be productive, but it sure feels good. oh, well. maybe it wouldn't be better; just different. I have certainly "felt" it...still feel it. and I have found other pursuits. But like the old song goes, "...there will never be another you".
Chuck, you've let another little piece of the cat out of the bag... infertility, too? That is a very hard one. I haven't experienced it personally, but I've had friends who did. And it was very difficult... in fact, I believe the infertility issues and the reactions of both parties to their lack of success with in vitro attempts was the principal thing that undermined their marriage and eventually destroyed it. Not that alone, mind you, but the way she felt so alone during the process... and for a woman, I believe that is the closest thing to experiencing ED for a man-- the feeling that something that everyone else's body seems to be able to do your body cannot.
It's interesting the parallel-- you having the heart issues that destroyed your dream, and you as a couple having the infertility issues that presumably stressed your relationship.
Chuck, you have a lot to grieve. You and your wife have a lot to grieve.
Regarding other well-meaning but totally off-the-mark comments that people make: when my husband first lost his leg, I remember talking to a therapist about it, and I said it made me so sad, because one of the simple pleasures I had looked forward to (my H lost his leg after we were married 4 years) was long walks with my husband. The therapist said cheerfully, "Well, you can STILL take long walks by yourself, right?" <big smile>
kinda a "hey guy/gal" kinda day. Got to see the real guy in there a bit. Let's hope.
