Everyone, would you please listen to yourselves? In subtle ways you're telling Chuck not to feel what he is feeling.
This is not about convincing Chuck we understand the loss of his dream, or telling him other ways he can get happiness he feels he would have gotten from flying, or how to find substitutes for flying.
I'm asking to Chuck to FEEL the loss... to FEEL the disappointment, as a path to unlocking the other feelings that the undigested anger and sadness are keeping locked up. To let these feelings into his body so that they can finally be digested, processed, and let go.
Like when water freezes, yes it locks up the water, but also the other stuff that was floating in the water at the time that it froze... the boat, the beer cooler, and even the dog. What needs to happen here is to THAW the ice.
What's happening-- right or wrong-- is that when he reads these well-intentioned suggestions he feels discounted, misunderstood, devalued all over again (I said right or wrong)... so he is in turn inflicting discounting statements, lack of understanding, and devaluing upon the person making the statement, e.g. "I TOLD you no one would understand." Can't you tell by his responses that he is not in the mood to hear these kinds of suggestions, however well-meant?
And in truth, he's right-- we don't exactly understand. BUT THAT'S OKAY. Let him have this. Please concede that he knows his internal landscape better than any of us anonymous strangers. He believes that nothing will ever take the place of being a pilot. Okay. Let's give him THAT much respect, okay? These comments IMHO are, frankly, distracting to the thawing process. He is using them to reinforce his feelings of separation, isolation, being uniquely cursed.
Chuck, I'm asking you to BE with the feelings of disappointment, as you would BE with the child in you who has found out that there is not going to be any Christmas... and to refrain from pushing people away who are offering you comfort.
These statements by the other posters ARE meant to offer you comfort, because people don't want you to hurt, but they are about as comforting as when people said to me beside my huband's coffin, "You're young-- you'll meet someone." Yes, people said that. That was true, but way premature.
And people, if any of my statements seem to devalue YOUR effort to comfort Chuck, 1) take it out on me, not him, and 2) note his reply to you and ask if you did indeed bring comfort.
This whole thing isn't about flying, it's about a man who is mad at the world for killing his dream-- and at his own HEART for betraying him! He has put a giant chip on his shoulder, and wall around himself that is separating him from his wife and from the world.
When the ice has thawed, when he has let himself grieve this loss, feel his sadness, offered comfort to himself and accepted comfort from others, he will be perfectly capable of finding fulfilling pursuits, which may or may not be flying related. This will take time... possibly months or even years.
This is process of growth, digestion, flow... It's like growing hair, not getting a haircut! It is a journey, not a destination.
P.S. My husband lost a leg, and as his wife, I saw MUCH grieving, anger, rage at his helplessness, feelings of being damaged-- the simplest things that he took for granted before were difficult or even impossible. He NEVER shared these feelings with his grown children. For them he always wore the brave face. In public he wore the brave face, too.
