Fatalist...

[Lillieperl]

Chuck, I've been involved with/in love with several pilots, so I do understand.

I think it's worth noting how you either discounted. deflected, or devalued several of my attempts to reach out to you, to wit:

no, I never told myself or anyone else that it wasn't a big deal. probably the opposite. *I* know its a huge deal, but I figure that most other people just wouldn't get it. Anyone who doesn't have what we pilots refer to as "the bug". once you get it, there's no getting rid of it, and no one that doesn't have it can quite understand it. Your late H would understand...even if he didn't have the bug himself (lots of people in war-time kind of "fall into" aviation...they didn't necessarily seek it out. many of them just hang it up when their hitch is over, and never miss it or look back) but he knew people that did [Lil comment: you have made the assumption that my H didn't have the bug, based on--??]. And pretty much the same thing happened to him. except, he at least got to "the top", if only for a short time.
anyhow, yeah, W says I didn't completely "grieve" this loss. sure, I was angry...still am. again, it "just is", and there's nothing I can do about it. there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it.

well, its not as bad as all that. we just grew together, slowly...not much that can be described as "whirlwind", but so what? it just wasn't "typical". neither are "we".

That IS who I am now. the result of my experience...a flightless bird, with clipped wings. Thats never going to change.

I'm not criticizing your comments or questioning the veracity of them. Just note that as I was reaching out to you, you pushed me away. Please don't defend yourself-- I'm not attacking you. Just observing how these comments felt to me. Do you often push people away who are offering you warm fuzzies?

To give credit where credit is due, this was a straightforward statement with no negative "spin" on it

my marriage will be fine. we've made great progress in the last couple of weeks, recognizing some of these destructive patterns.

It is necessary to go through a grieving process after a great loss. Believe me, I know all about this. To try to skip over that by saying, "Well, there's nothing I can do about it, so what's the point of grieving?" is not good. Here's why: it's never an outward situation that causes us emotional pain. The emotional pain is caused by our FEELINGS about the outward circumstances. Grieving, processing, talking about it, taking down the emotional walls... these things can't change the circumstances, but they can change the FEELINGS and so reduce some of the pain.

You're thinking "YES BUT" I can't be a pilot, so how can I FEEL better? You're (Lil) asking me to FEEL better about something I can never FEEL better about.

I believe that your bottled up anger and grief are having a ripple effect in your marriage... maybe you'll never FEEL better about the loss of your dream of being a pilot. I don't know for sure... but you will probably FEEL better about the rest of your life when you air out that anger and grief.

You say you think about this every day. And that your W has said you should grieve this-- quite sensitive of her, if you ask me. Many wives would not say this. (My late H's first wife would NEVER think of this-- way too self-centered.)

This is something legitimate to feel bad about. And even if others can't specifically relate to the loss of a dream to be a pilot, MOST people past a certain age can relate to the loss of some kind of dream. So when people reach out to you, reach back-- don't minimize your hurt to yourself. It's as though a little-boy-version of yourself is tugging on your pants leg and saying, "You mean Christmas is NEVER going to come??" and you're kicking the little tyke away and snarling, "Yeah, kid, that's what I said: no Christmas, no Santa, no presents! Now beat it! You're bothering me!"

Be kind to that disappointed guy inside of you, and give others the opportunity to be kind to him, too.