Chuck, you are hurting her when you withdraw. You may not realise that is what is happening, you may be doing it simply as a way of protecting yourself, but it hurts her like hell. yes, I am realizing this now. It is a defense mechanism, not meant to hurt, but to protect myself.
Stop comparing your marriage with W's parents. It is the polar opposite of your marriage. You can engage with your W without turning into them.
I'm not afraid of turning into them; as I said to cobra, I only brought it up to explain W's history, in contrast to mine.
Next time an issue arises practice staying in the room. Practice listening to what she has to say, answering with things like "I'm sorry to hear that", "I hadn't really looked at it from that point of view", "That must make you really <mad/frustrated/tense/whatever>.
I don't generally "leave the room". (house has a rather open floor plan; there's no place to go!). I hide behind the newspaper. The thing thats been getting to me lately is the endless complaining. every night when I walk through the door, its time for the nightly "airing of the grievances". The "grievances" that really get to me are all things over which I have some control, influence, or can affect. I'm not talking about "pick up your socks" kind of stuff. I'm talking about complaints about all of her burdens. the "chores"...laundry, (that I create) cooking, (which I consume), the house (which I built), the finances, or lack thereof (which I am charged with providing)...do you see? she can complain about "bad hair", and that doesn't bother me, beyond knowing that the one I love is unhappy about something. But I don't internalize that sort of thing; I had nothing to do with it. But all the other things say "you have placed a huge burden on me". (Sex is just one more horrible chore...a burden. now, you know I am NOT the only one here who has ever felt that. Its a common theme, repeated over and over by many an HD, in response to LD treatment.) Its compounded by the fact that there is little or nothing I can do about any of these things, and I can't help but be just a tiny bit resentful over the fact that SHE CHOSE this lifestyle, and now I have to take the blame for it.
Ditch comments like "why are you always griping", "I don't see what I'm supposed to do about it", etc. I don't make such comments; I withdraw inward. remember? Thats how her parents would react; I know that this will only inflame the situation, and make it worse.
You are married because you needed a roommate? OK so who decided to kiss who? Who decided to get into bed together? Who decided to make it legal? Stop acting like life just happened to you. It is continuing to just happen to you because you let it, you do not stand and fight you just withdraw.
No, not exactly. It is true, though, that we did not initially move in together purely out of a desire to deepen the relationship. The extenuating circumstances did have a large influence on that decision. maybe it didn't matter, maybe it did. Its a long story for a message board. I only meant to illustrate that ours was not a "typical" courtship. It wasn't the standard hollywood formula of "boy meets girl; girl rejects boy; boy chases girl; girl resists, but then capituates...boy looses girl...boy performs some rediculous and unrealistic romantic gesture to win girl back...fade to black, roll credits". So the common suggestion of "going back to the begining of your relationship, and do "that"" doesn't fit well with us. our courtship was admittedly "lame". we missed out on stuff. we were just friends for quite some time before we became romantically involved. We met in college. She was a senior; I was a freshman. can you imagine how that might impact the early part of our relationship? I lower than the the dirt under her shoes. This was a very slow process, indeed. she was out in the world, long before we became "romantic", and I remember a time when she told me, flat out, how she would *never* have anything to do with anyone like me, ever again. she'd had enough of "college" boyfriends...anyway... "who kissed who?" I honestly dont' remember; we were drunk at a party.
so its not that I'm living like "life just happened to me". I'm just expressing that I had little control over some aspects of it. one event that had a profound impact on my life did very much indeed "just happen" to me. had nothing to do with W, but it probably does affect the way I see alot of things. The career in which I had my entire identity wrapped up, was taken away from me by the diagnosis of a medical problem...a congenital heart defect. I'd spent my entire youth preparing to be a military pilot. I could fly a plane before I could drive a car. I'd spent my education on attaining this goal...its highly competative. The us Navy was accepting about 300 people a year into the program. I was eventually selected...then diagnosed. then cast aside. There are many other avenues for becoming a pilot, (plans b, and c), but this diagnosis wiped them all off the table. the government won't allow me to do it, not for the military, or anyone else...not even for fun. all I had invested was destroyed, by something no one "did" and no one could have anticipated. so yeah, that "just happened" to me. oh, and I might just drop dead at any time, because that's what odd-ball hearts like mine do. I care much less about that than I care about flying.
anyway, enough of that. I read the article. its quite alarming. this jumped right out at me:
we know that distressed couples settle into rigid interaction patterns. Perhaps the most distressed pattern is that of the disappointed, angry, blaming wife demanding contact from a man who withdraws. Couples can stay stuck in this for years. We know from the research of John Gottman that this is a sure killer of marriages.
