I hate to keep responding with all the quotes, as it makes each post so long and harder to read, but there is so much information going back and forth that needs clarification...so many specific questions that need answering. so here goes...
I sense a real shift in your tone in this post and I’m wondering why. You started off on my thread with a rather terse, sarcastic sound, frustrated about something in your marriage which needed to be fixed and complaining about your wife “flying off the handle.” Now you seem to backtracking on some of that, at least the tone. Why?
could be a few things. 1) you're getting through to me. 2) I've been gettin' some, which is sure to soften my view. 3) sometimes its hard to get a point across in the message board format, especially with subject matter that is so complex, and I think I may have given the impression of things being worse than they really are. Of course, when I started this discussion, we were in a dark stage of our typical pattern, and that has changed drastically in the last week and a half. We've (W and I) have been having a similar discussion over the last few days, and have independantly reached some of the same conclusions. Pretty wild, eh?? I wanted to maintain the discussion as if none of this had occured, because it is a repeating pattern, and the only way to avoid regression into that pattern is to understand it.
Is there an issue in your marriage that needs to be fixed or not? ...Is there a problem with your wife or with your in-laws? If you fight so little, why were you so hot under the collar about her “flying off the handle” in your earlier posts?
yeah, look at the title of this forum. "SSM". Attempts to communicate to solve the problem by which I am most bothered result in the "flying off the handle". I only mentioned the in-laws in response to you bringing up the point that we learn from our parents. I learned from mine; she, from hers.
I get the sense that maybe you are pulling into your shell a little right here in cyberspace. I can understand that you don’t like confrontation. I hate it too. But I am also getting the impression the intimidation you and your mother experienced from your father has made you fearful, or at least not accustomed to, standing up for yourself. I can see how the only thing you could learn from your father was to assert yourself by being a bully. But that is so abhorrent I am sure it turned you off and you took a more pacifist route, identifying more with your mother. Is this any where close?
dead on.
Sounds like more avoidance of confrontation to me, lack of asserting yourself, holding back on your power, then blaming the others because you feel like a victim. pretty much. except I don't feel as though I'm "blaming" anyone. I feel like a victim because I don't understand where its coming from, or see how to fix it. One other thing, I think your logical way of thinking, seeing things that “just are” is all a way of rationalizing in your mind that there is nothing you can do. I don’t believe anyone on this board believes that, but you seem to have convinced yourself that this is true. I think it is just to avoid the fear you feel in confronting others. That is COMPLETELY understandable because of your father, but you are still the one to fix it. So maybe your childhood fear has caused you to take on this logical way of thinking in order to avoid the pain of feeling emotions, and the disconnect that creates with other people is driving your wife crazy. Do you think? yes. but also, its possible that I'm just a logical person, and not prone to searching out deeper meanings of every result to every action. At least on the surface, this is how I cope with people...the same way I would cope with "things". A hot stove, for example. I touched a hot stove once, when I was a kid. I learned right quick not to do that again. I didn't get mad at the stove; I didn't resent or "blame" it; its a "thing". But even if it wasn't just a "thing", it doesn't much matter in my mind. "when the knob is turned here, don't touch there...at least, not without a pot holder or some other protection, else you'll be sorry." There are some things in life that "just are", and there are things that "just happen". I'm reminded of the alcoholic's prayer: "...grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things I can not, and the wisdom to know the difference". So I'm lacking wisdom, for sure. but the prayer would be alot shorter, if there were no such thing as something that "just is".
What does “b” mean?
in response to your question, "Did your mother a) stand up to protect you or b) did she keep her head down to avoid his wrath and leave you defend yourself?"
