Its like waving and never being seen. Its as if you would be more complete to be a lone than lonely but together
Exactly.
Chuck, you are hurting her when you withdraw. You may not realise that is what is happening, you may be doing it simply as a way of protecting yourself, but it hurts her like hell.
Stop comparing your marriage with W's parents. It is the polar opposite of your marriage. You can engage with your W without turning into them.
Next time an issue arises practice staying in the room. Practice listening to what she has to say, answering with things like "I'm sorry to hear that", "I hadn't really looked at it from that point of view", "That must make you really <mad/frustrated/tense/whatever>.
Ditch comments like "why are you always griping", "I don't see what I'm supposed to do about it", etc.
What you perceive as your W's attacks may not be intended as attacks at all. They may be attacks on your sense of control but they are not attacks on you.
Your M sounds scarily like mine. Or like mine was, now it is worse.
You are married because you needed a roommate? OK so who decided to kiss who? Who decided to get into bed together? Who decided to make it legal? Stop acting like life just happened to you. It is continuing to just happen to you because you let it, you do not stand and fight you just withdraw.
You can make this marriage work, but you have to be the one to do it. I'll bet your W is more than ready to go along with you, yes she will spill out 20 years worth of bottled up frustrations but that will pass. It is no good just keeping your head down you've tried that - it doesn't work.
