I sense a real shift in your tone in this post and I’m wondering why. You started off on my thread with a rather terse, sarcastic sound, frustrated about something in your marriage which needed to be fixed and complaining about your wife “flying off the handle.” Now you seem to backtracking on some of that, at least the tone. Why?
Is there an issue in your marriage that needs to be fixed or not? Now you say ”She has a temper, yes. but we really argue very seldomly. She's sensitive...grumpy quite a bit. but we don't "fight" much. we generally live a very quiet existance,…” Is there a problem with your wife or with your in-laws? If you fight so little, why were you so hot under the collar about her “flying off the handle” in your earlier posts?
I get the sense that maybe you are pulling into your shell a little right here in cyberspace. I can understand that you don’t like confrontation. I hate it too. But I am also getting the impression the intimidation you and your mother experienced from your father has made you fearful, or at least not accustomed to, standing up for yourself. I can see how the only thing you could learn from your father was to assert yourself by being a bully. But that is so abhorrent I am sure it turned you off and you took a more pacifist route, identifying more with your mother. Is this any where close?
If so, did you ever learn how to assert yourself, to set firm boundaries? I tend to doubt it since your mother had no boundaries whatsoever. She just absorbed abuse and kept a low profile. I remember doing a lot of that as a kid. Trying to keep the peace, worried when the next fight would erupt and getting mad at my younger brothers because they might do something to spark tension and trigger a fight. But that in itself can trigger a fight. Its like you can’t win. It sucks the life and happiness right out of you. You go into survival mode. Learning about proper boundaries is the last thing on your mind.
I hope your mother gave you comfort when your dad got angry. But I wonder if she ever taught you to assert yourself, at least with your friends? If you just modeled her behavior, then maybe you’ve got some anxiety with your wife and her family’s displays of anger, but frustration with yourself in not feeling secure enough to set the boundaries, or resentful that you should even have to do so. Instead you draw into your shell, get moody and fume about their dysfunction. Have you ever stood up to them and told them that you do not intend to listen to their bickering, and if they do it in your house they must leave?
yes, I'm sure. I'm not doing anything intentionally. Its not that I'm "witholding" so much as not freely and spontaneously volunteering. I can answer a direct question, although, some need to be answered carefully. ("does this dress make me look fat?" kind of stuff...).
Sounds like more avoidance of confrontation to me, lack of asserting yourself, holding back on your power, then blaming the others because you feel like a victim. One other thing, I think your logical way of thinking, seeing things that “just are” is all a way of rationalizing in your mind that there is nothing you can do. I don’t believe anyone on this board believes that, but you seem to have convinced yourself that this is true. I think it is just to avoid the fear you feel in confronting others. That is COMPLETELY understandable because of your father, but you are still the one to fix it. So maybe your childhood fear has caused you to take on this logical way of thinking in order to avoid the pain of feeling emotions, and the disconnect that creates with other people is driving your wife crazy. Do you think?
Did your mother stand up to protect you or did she keep her head down to avoid his wrath and leave you defend yourself? "b"...
What does “b” mean?
It scared me...but its just how life was.
I rest my case….
If I respond, I get yelled at for trying to "fix" things, or being patronizing. "smile and nod"...but not too much! complaining. that is another W family dynamic. endless complaining. why does that bother me so much?
Question already answered.
seriously, though. very interesting things to think about. but about the FOO...what can you do about it? its ancient history. it is just the way it was. so...now what?
I hope the answer to this is becoming obvious. You earlier said that your wife claims you do not know your own emotions. You have stated several times that you don’t know what she is talking about, or what we are talking about concerning anger and resentment. You know there is a problem but you have no idea how to fix it. In fact, you can’t even begin to put your finger on what the problem is or how it originates. So how can you fix it, then work through it emotionally to stop the ill effects on your actions and your marriage?
Understanding your FOO is not to change anything in the past. It is to stop the continuing dysfunction from the past. That means you have to know what it is you have to fix. Only then can you understand how you are affecting others and driving them away.
