Fatalist...

[cac4]

...When your wife “flies off the handle” or you hear her parents screaming, why do you want to curl up into a ball? I am guessing you interpret that as a scary situation. It creates anxiety in you, right? You want to get away. You might say that glass is half empty. I might say that glass is half full, because the people are engaging and staying in the fight until a resolution can be reached. You could even argue there is comfort in the fighting.

maybe there's comfort in it for them, but there ain't for me. Yeah, I'm probably thrown back to my childhood, and it makes me very uncomfortable. But there is no "resolution"...its been going on for nearly 50 years, and it isn't resolved yet. constant, ongoing bickering, about the most silly things. I swear, they are like George Costanza's parents (from "Seinfeld"). but anyway...I also just want to clear up the "flying off the handle" stuff...the phrase has been repeated I think too many times, and may be giving the wrong impression of W. She has a temper, yes. but we really argue very seldomly. She's sensitive...grumpy quite a bit. but we don't "fight" much. we generally live a very quiet existance, so when the in-laws are in town, and start in...its such a stark contrast, i think it amplifies its effect. but anyway...

...To say the glass “just is” is to say the fighting “just is.” So why do you have an emotional reaction?

. see above. but again, if you heard these fights, you'd see that they 'just are'.

that seems to be a contradiction, to me. "walking on eggshells" is avoidance; manipulation requires some positive action to generate a response, which I am most certainly NOT doing.

Are you sure about this? Again, your statement is made from YOUR point of view only. Read up on verbal abuse and you will see that not communicating, with holding information, invoking the silent treatment, are all forms of abuse. To YOU they might not be since the silence would be comforting to you. But for someone like your wife who feels anxious when she does not get affirmative feedback, the silence can FEEL like manipulation. In her mind, she knows you have a choice – to speak up and express yourself or not. When you do not, she also knows you have made a choice not to, and since she also knows that you know the silence scares her, she assumes (incorrectly) that you do it to passive aggressively attack or manipulate. Can you see this?

yes, I'm sure. I'm not doing anything intentionally. Its not that I'm "witholding" so much as not freely and spontaneously volunteering. I can answer a direct question, although, some need to be answered carefully. ("does this dress make me look fat?" kind of stuff...).

So you dad was the macho man, the man’s man, the bully.
bully-ish, yes.
I am guessing he yelled plenty at you too.
yep.
Did your mother stand up to protect you or did she keep her head down to avoid his wrath and leave you defend yourself?
"b"...
How did you feel about that? Were you scared or did it not bother you because that was just how life was?
It scared me...but its just how life was.

By pure coincidence, I spoke with someone this weekend with a situation VERY similar to yours....

wow. that is interesting. Sounds alot worse than my situation was, but very similar.

I know that trying to confront someone that is "flying off the handle" by doing the same thing in response, is an exercise in futility. It only makes things worse.

Do you see why this statement can be false? It is based on assumptions only, assumptions purely from YOUR past experience, not anyone else. To me, this screams of a lack of empathy. You are having a problem putting yourself into someone else’s shoes. A lack of empathy comes from a need to protect yourself as a child. You learn that no one will serve your needs or address your fears. The only one who can comfort you is you. So all consideration of other’s feelings are ignored, as your feelings have been ignored. This is the basis of the narcissistic family setting I have been discussing and the heart of adult attachment disorder.

well, I can see what you're saying in all of this, but I think I'm speaking more along practical lines, here, at least IRT jumping into one of these arguments. again, if you heard them...you'd see. its like an endless ping-pong match from hell. And in our (mine and w's) case, its more along the lines of her grousing about whatever. If I respond, I get yelled at for trying to "fix" things, or being patronizing. "smile and nod"...but not too much!
complaining. that is another W family dynamic. endless complaining. why does that bother me so much?

You should consider a therapist you can help you deal with your FOO issues, to confront your hurt, address the repressed anger and resent that you have and get in touch with your feelings.

why do I need to do that, when I've got you?

seriously, though. very interesting things to think about. but about the FOO...what can you do about it? its ancient history. it is just the way it was. so...now what?