On an intellectual level I understand that "touch" of any kind is not welcomed by H. I even asked him about just standing in the shower and letting the warm water sooth. His response, as in so many other 'touchy-feely' questions is, "No. I go in there to shower. Do what I have to and out" (as I'm typing this I will try to avoid any obvious jokes that just came to mind as I smirk). This could be the result of his old home with one bath or the services impact. I really don't understand fully; but, I am forced to accept it.
One of the 'touchy-feely' questions I've had is--
As you were wallowing in your 'my body has let me down' sorrows, what did you think I was supposed to do? (I guess I was fishing for some sympathy, even then.) To which he responded, "I don't know. I never thought about it."
This was such a slap to me. It’s taken me 2 years since I heard it to balance it against his perceived, I’m more considerate than most. attitude. (He does offer where he is/is going; coffee and if he can bring back things from the store.)
One more thing I need to add is that in his understanding of marital beliefs, one of the things that surfaced due to wedding ring poisoning that was not there during dating, was that once a month for intercourse is enough. Upon reflection, I can see now that I was the instigator and the sparkle of lust with the compliment of being pursued was enough for him and misunderstood by me.
Ok, on an intellectual level I understand that that form of touch, and thinking in someone else's position is as foreign to him as wondering how these things can happen to an individual is to me. Yet I WANT an apology; WANT acknowledgement of my 'sacrifice' over time before and now that the ED has totally gotten a hold of him.
Would someone address this imbalance in me and offer some help here? PLEASE. I don't want him to grovel. I just want some acknowledgement of my pain; a pain that evidently he has no empathy.
*There were many crisis with family and child that needed attending as I was considering ending the marriage on about 5 occasions. Now, well we're 'out of warrentee'; and he's stable. He's willing to helping the physical necessities of body (Dr's appointments etc) and home. He's always been good 23 hrs a day and I guess I'm getting my priorities rearranged*
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
