Fatalist...

[LostGal]

Thanks for everything, including the trip back to English Classes. I'm too sensitive, too emotional. He's very guarded, stoic, and stiff.

A long time ago, I cut this note from NOP and will re-visit it again and agian. I need to get some of my assumed givens, which are totally wrong out of my head.

Look within your gridlocked issue or situation and extract your own unresolved developmental tasks.
Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development.
If you’re having difficulty identifying your own issues, look at both sides of your two-choice dilemma.
Stop taking your partner’s reaction personally.
Don’t count on your partner to confront himself/herself in return.
Forget about ‘working on your relationship’ or the idea that ‘the relationship is the problem.’
Stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn’t) doing. Focus on yourself.
Stop trying to change your partner. Pressuring your partner actually reduces the pressure on both of you for change.
For solutions, look in different directions from where you’ve looked in the past. Reconsider options you’ve previously rejected.
Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept, and validate you.
Keep your mouth shut about your partner’s issues – particularly concerning things you’re certain are true.
Don’t identify with your feelings.
Pay attention to your tone.
Own your projections as an act of integrity.
Acting differentiated interferes with being differentiated.
Let the best in you do the thinking and talking.


Harley writes that there are 3 marital stages - intimacy, conflict, withdrawal.

"When a husband and wife are in the state of Conflict long enough, the resentment and disillusionment they experience eventually convinces their Takers that fighting doesn't work. A new approach is warranted, and that approach ushers in the the third state of mind in marriage, Withdrawal. "

You can't get to intimacy *without* going back through conflict. While you may not have fought tooth and nail all these years, conflicts and issues arose anyway. As conflict-avoiders, you both just kept throwing them into your dufflebags. You've got a double whammy going with both of you avoiding conflict. It's like having a house of intimacy shining on a hill in the distance and neither of you will pick up the machete and start whacking through the forest to get there.

Your attempts to reach her via hugs and special events don't work because whenever you try to reach her, there are umpteen years of conflict standing in that hug with you.

Hugs and kisses are a sign of intimacy. When NOP and I were at our worst, the depth of physical and emotional DIScomfort we had with each other was immeasurable. It was worse than hugging a stranger, because I didn't have a lot of emotional garbage with strangers. I felt my "personal territorial bubble" was being infringed and he was venturing forward with all his external "prickles" on high alert for any hint of rejection. Not exactly a recipe for intimacy.

Withdrawal disconnects people. It allows that forest to grow between them. You can get used to the forest, but it doesn't mean that you're happy in it.

At some point, you have to determine if the "us" is worth fighting for. In spite of your pride, hurts and wounds. In spite of the seemingly unfairness of it all. In spite of your wife's intransigence. In spite of conflict avoidance of which you both suffer.

Because you *must* enter the forest of conflict if you are ever to get to your enchanted house of intimacy.

*Must*.

I didn't keep fighting for my "us", at some point I gave up. I was there for our child, because it was the right thing to do, because God hates divorce, because of our history, etc. - all the reasons that you stay in your marriage.

I am thankful now that NOP chose to fight for "us".

Through all the discomfort.
Through all the pain.
Through all the pride.
Through all the tears.
Through all the arguments.

I pray the same strength and fortitude for you.