Fatalist...

[LostGal]

Well, I tried to explain that I did something for him. I tried to explain that giving is a part of me and that acknowledgment is part of that. Giving, in and of itself has been the last 25 years of my life. Recognition is nice.

Well the conversation deviated as they often do in a passionate unschooled debate. I seldom can stay "on topic." Well I discovered that past debates where we were talking about being sexual and giving brought out this statement, pretty much quoted--

H: You have said that my sexual disinterest has taken away your ability to give attentions on to me. You have said that this has also eliminated a tool to practice feminine wilds and be able to withold as a manipulation factor.

Oh hell! Yes I've said those things in despairation but not to be connected at the same time like that! Those things were in different rants with much distance between em. I meant that I wanted to give, play, interact but he forbids, turns leaves tells me not to. EVENTUALLY I gave up, thinking it was my fault. The C corrected this belief.

I believe a TV show gave the sexual carrot for manipulation as a theme and somewhere I said, yea, I can't do that either.

I mention this only to show how bad communication skills get all messed up and how devistating they can be. I'll never beable to correct this. H won't go to a third party with me for help. He doesn't believe in it.

I now have to find more outside diversions, similar to reading Lou's thread of outside stimuli. I know how I felt when I married him. I see now the lense that was used to focus those feelings atm. I understand I missunderstood what was said then and now. I have to figureout a way to be able to live with that for I know I'm not strong or ballanced enough to toss him out.

He loves me (5LL--service)and I find wishing for someone, without a face atm, no pleading to make love to me. That emotional dance of carring/protecting giving/recieving and intimacy w/ w/o sex. Becareful of what you wish for, for it may be granted.