Re Lil Maybe it was my hairbrush. I forgot about that missile. Lil, my first good laugh for the day, thanks. <insert Graemlins for laughing and spitting coffee on my monitor>
Lou, look for little gifts from BB. Maybe this will make scense.
I was mowing the lawn, and H came by. I flagged him down to help move the lawn swing. I had previously cut a clearing RIGHT BEHIND the swing so at most he would have to move it 4 feet to be totally in groomed grass.
This was my "thanks for helping me help you and look even tho you are doing the carrying, I made it so very close"
Well at the end of the row, turning the lawnmower back towards the swing and the rest of the lawn, there he is struggling to move the swing about 25' to the opposite side of the clearing that was cut, accross 20' of not yet mowed lawn to get to the area already cut in the normal pattern.
I hit the ceiling! Why had he not done it the easy way, mine!?!?!?!
He didnt see it. (the lawn is about 4" taller than it should be with the rain and heat we had had lately) WTH?!??! Well he says, he cuts close to the swing and THEN moves it to the pattern cut and he really didnt notice the whole cut for it. $)(@)#)($%@_#(
My ire may not make scense to anyone, but I cant touch him, make him laugh or anything. I get noticed when I cook or do laundry. He doesnt seem to like to be a team on projects. I really can't do anything for him. This was a little gift. A little team work that was not noticed, appreciated or in anyway fell into the good side of the scale.
After a while you take things to heart, personally, when they are really routeen. He did it that way and was going to kill himself by moving it damn near to the otherside of the lawn all by himself. And I got pissed at him for killing himself and not acknowledging the little thing.
So---look for the little things too. Don't fall into the ruts... *smiles*
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
RE Lostgal So---look for the little things too. Don't fall into the ruts... *smiles* Thanks for posting your examples and for the advice LG.
My ire may not make sense to anyone, but I can't touch him, make him laugh or anything I totally relate {{{{{Lostgal}}}}}.
I only have part of your situation. I can touch, but rarely get touched with much motivation in return.
This was a little gift. A little team work that was not noticed, appreciated or in anyway fell into the good side of the scale. So what did you do to repair the situation? Making a correction is better than ignoring or trying to hide a mistake.
Well, I tried to explain that I did something for him. I tried to explain that giving is a part of me and that acknowledgment is part of that. Giving, in and of itself has been the last 25 years of my life. Recognition is nice.
Well the conversation deviated as they often do in a passionate unschooled debate. I seldom can stay "on topic." Well I discovered that past debates where we were talking about being sexual and giving brought out this statement, pretty much quoted--
Quote: H: You have said that my sexual disinterest has taken away your ability to give attentions on to me. You have said that this has also eliminated a tool to practice feminine wilds and be able to withold as a manipulation factor.
Oh hell! Yes I've said those things in despairation but not to be connected at the same time like that! Those things were in different rants with much distance between em. I meant that I wanted to give, play, interact but he forbids, turns leaves tells me not to. EVENTUALLY I gave up, thinking it was my fault. The C corrected this belief.
I believe a TV show gave the sexual carrot for manipulation as a theme and somewhere I said, yea, I can't do that either.
I mention this only to show how bad communication skills get all messed up and how devistating they can be. I'll never beable to correct this. H won't go to a third party with me for help. He doesn't believe in it.
I now have to find more outside diversions, similar to reading Lou's thread of outside stimuli. I know how I felt when I married him. I see now the lense that was used to focus those feelings atm. I understand I missunderstood what was said then and now. I have to figureout a way to be able to live with that for I know I'm not strong or ballanced enough to toss him out.
He loves me (5LL--service)and I find wishing for someone, without a face atm, no pleading to make love to me. That emotional dance of carring/protecting giving/recieving and intimacy w/ w/o sex. Becareful of what you wish for, for it may be granted.
Last edited by LostGal; 08/10/0604:22 PM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Re LostGal I now have to find more outside diversions, similar to reading Lou's thread of outside stimuli. finding outside stimulation might satisfy a need/want in you so you don't need as much attention from your H and it might make him notice you more, or not. Give it a try and see how it shakes out.
I seldom can stay "on topic." Same problem till I told myself, come he!! or high water, "I'm" sticking to "one" point and the discussion wasn't about all of the R issues, it was about one and only one issue. BTW, that one issue does not have to be solved, just talked about honestly and openly w/o malice.
Oh hell! Yes I've said those things in desperation Yes, I see that BB has done the same thing. Read my latest reply to Lil, the part where BB was not concerned I would ever have an A, then asked questions and looked for signs I was having an A, then saying I must be gay. At first I took her seriously, but not anymore. It's more a sign of her concerns not an accusation.
I have to figure out a way to be able to live with that for I know I'm not strong or balanced enough to toss him out LostGal, I think too many people think either / or, black or white.
You don't have to toss him out. What could you find to do to fill in the voids. I know you have animals, what about things to do with similar aged or people with similar interests where you don't have to do work or where you only concern is to have a good time?
As far as not being strong enough, I tell myself I just haven't found the right combination of people or the right mix of activities.
One thing I learned while going to college at the age of 43, was not to say I am missing something or somehow not smart as someone else.
I had a good looking and intelligent single female professor as an advisor. It was an ego boost for me to be around her and her giving me advice and attention. I was really in a bad mental place.
I couldn't get a light duty job, couldn't do heavy work, felt like almost nothing because I was out of work (lost my primary identity)and not earning money to support my family which I felt I had to no matter what condition I was in.
Anyway, She said, that it didn't matter what I thought I was worth internally, or in your case I'm not strong or balanced enough . It was a matter of not being exposed to and practicing what a person needs at that point in his/her life.
To prove her point, she asked me to describe some scientific term I never heard before. I just said I didn't know. She asked how not knowing felt. I said it made me feel inferior/stupid compared to her.
She explained the theory and data that the word represented, and asked if I understood what the word meant and stood for. She asked me to tell her what the word meant to me now that I had the information and the theory explained, so I did.
She said, "now you know what I know about the word/concept" and said it can be mostly a matter of being willing to learn, and exposing yourself to new things and information than a matter, or not being strong enough, as in your case.
I don't know how to tell you to find the niche or information you need to feel caring/protecting giving/receiving and intimacy. I can feel caring for you to a degree, as a fellow poster, as others on the forum do, but I don't know how to make that felt by you or have it fix anything on your side of the screen.
no pleading to make love to me. That is a problem that is faced by many of the SSM posters to varying degrees. I only can say {{{{{lostGal}}}}} to you and hope that helps a little.
H: You have said that my sexual disinterest has taken away your ability to give attentions on to me. You have said that this has also eliminated a tool to practice feminine wilds and be able to withhold as a manipulation factor. So, are you saying, your H wants you to pursue or charm him even if he doesn't pursue you? He wants you to charm him because he fixes something or he does something like make coffee for you?
Is it like your H moved the swing for you and now he wants a back rub but will not touch you? I might not be seeing the question or the whole picture.
Quote: So, are you saying, your H wants you to pursue or charm him even if he doesn't pursue you? He wants you to charm him because he fixes something or he does something like make coffee for you?
No Lou, this was a need on my part to be apreciated, I guess. I always thought I was desirable and his rejections time and time again were so hurting. My ovatures to making the moving of the lawn swing easy that were not acted to as I had thought lead the discussion to "I can't even do you a nice"....(whatdoyouknow? back on the thread) Thats when the comment about excercising my feminine wilds retort mentioned earlier came out. Evidently I always want something. (percieved by him anyhow) I guess there is no level to have some reactions with him. The mariage has been reduced to "best buddies", going with him to trade shows and yard work.
OH thanks for the {{{{HUGS}}}}. Yes they are something! *smiles*
Last edited by LostGal; 08/10/0605:57 PM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
The mariage has been reduced to "best buddies", going with him to trade shows and yard work. Sorry it is still that way. I remember you talking about the trade shows, which are nice in a way but understand you want/need more than that.
Any chance of you doing something with the women your age, no work involved and just do something that is strictly enjoyable?
Maybe your H needs to miss what you bring to the R, like don't cook for him if you go out. What I am getting at is sort of like the saying "you don't miss the water till the well runs dry"
Mo going to T.O.P.S. sort of has BB asking questions about the women in the group. I didn't go to make BB jealous but don't mind her being a little curious. I think it is doing us some good. My main goal is to lose 20#, it will be good for my health and maybe BB will see me as more valuable. Who knows what might happen or what is going on sometimes.
I know just going out and interacting with people with similar interests and observing how other people do things is better than sitting at home watching TV or doing the same things over and over again.
~ ~ ~ (_)> 
