Attitude leads to Behaivior, Behaivior Leads to At

[Stigmata]

Actually I have brought it up since day one. Pride goeth before a fall. Its been reaffirmed several times. I did not have an ego just as we were failing. I was insecure. I stopped leading, and being a strong H. I put her on a pedastal. I developed fear after seeing her responding to OM initiations even though she was not conscious of it yet, and pushed her away emotionally as punishment.

--Argh. the parallels continue. Feel for ya.

Parallel: At beg. of R x afraid I would dump her at any given moment. Called me her "arm candy." Pursued me for years. After I commited, insecurity issues w/ me caused R polarity shift. My memory runs to the eidetic and only right now do I rmember this:

Early in R X read me poem from x BF and said she tends to destroy the pedestal whenever a guy puts her up on one. Your "pedestal" word just triggered that compartmentalized synaptic memory fire, BF. Argh...losing strength.

--And your pushing x away denied your overriding genetic obligation to drive off competing alpha male or, at the least, confront said male and subjugate him to the rank of Beta male if he is to remain in your territory. I know you already know this; don't want to rub it in. I did similar.

My hubris muted my "gut feelings" and I let x go alone to another city to help OM find an apt. every weekend. It also didn't help that I trusted to a fault. She began violating my boundaries and I didn't put a stop to it for fear of looking insecure and losing her. I became weakened and my subsequent tight leash paranoia inability-to-process-A reactions exacerbated this weakness.

The post-mortem back-engineering I am doing via this site, mbuilders, and break free text are making my Stigmata wounds open up and bleed for real this time...but it's a lesson I have to learn and the cross I have to bear. (nice tie-in eh?)

-Stigmata-