Speaking only for myself, when I was in other Rs in the past, I did tend to look over my SO's shoulder to see who else was out there. Often it was because I felt my SO was neglecting me, or because he was in fact neglecting me. One period comes to mind when I was living with a guy who was a computer programmer. He was with a new company that was just getting started (It's pretty well known now-- this was 30 years ago), and he worked around the clock. Once I remember I came home from work and he was still at work. So I went out to a basketball game, got home around 10 pm, and he was still at work. A friend of his called and wanted to drive to a town a couple of hours away to see another friend of ours. My SO wasn't available, so I went. We drove, visited, and got back home around 6 AM. My SO still wasn't home. Yeah, I started an A with my boss. Not blaming my SO, but I was vulnerable.

In later Rs I do remember still noticing other men and their attention to me. I might have been vulnerable then, too. Not sure.

This would not happen to me again. In spite of my problems with my BF, I am NOT looking over his shoulder. If I'm around a guy and I pick up "interested" signals, I shut down that channel. I am not susceptible to attention from another man at this point; I don't care how much of a strong alpha attractive leader he is. I have that portal closed.

Stuff like this doesn't just "happen" to you. People know at a subconscious level when they're on thin ice. For one reason or another, they don't trot back to the thick ice/shore as fast as they can. I think when you're younger, you may not recognize the danger signs. Maybe it can happen to you (that is, you can get more emotionally involved with someone than you intended to) before you're really aware of what has happened. But generally you DO become aware before you go to the motel, take off your clothes, and crawl into bed with them. At any point, you can stop.

But I maintain that there are enough choice points along that path that no one really just stumbles into an affair. "We didn't plan it; it just happened." Well, maybe you didn't plan it, but these things don't "just happen."

There was an article in the paper locally recently about signs of an impending affair... stuff like when something good (or bad) happens at work, the potential A person is the one you can't wait to tell... I mean, this isn't rocket science. A person may rationalize this desire to rush to the person outside the marriage with news as "well, we worked together on this project so the news would mean so much more to him/her." Yeah, whatever. When you feel your primary EC with your spouse slipping, that is a danger sign. You are vulnerable at that point. Time to plug that leak.

There were a bunch of other really telling signs in that article... can't remember them at the moment.