Damn where were you 17 months ago? HMMMM? now you are the azzhat. I was nowhere to be found to help myself. If you see me please tell me to wait her untill I return.
Ridiculous.
Ever just smile at someone shouting you down? I have and heartily recommend it
Either they fold or try to take a beer bottle at you. Its very important to smile and be EXTREMELY courteous during these uncivilized encounters. See how easy it is when you are not attached to the outcome? Of course.
After Lils post kept reverbing in my head I called her. I was 'gracious and compassionate' sincerely and I feel much much better. gotta get my too few zzzz's now. Ill post later.
Blackfoot, What do you make of your W sending that tape to you? Verrry strange behavior for one who wants a D, now isn't it.
Also, why are you not interested in her overtures towards you?
You say you will not even go there with her until she is done with OM but how would you know? You don't speak to her or respond to her emails/phone calls, etc.
If you ignore her, how will you know if it's the right time?
Besides, what harm can it do to have a civil relationship with her? I don't understand your "I refuse to speak to her" tactic. I'm not criticizing, mind, I'm saying I'm not sure what the objective is. Why not speak to her and at least bring civility back to the table and go from there?
And lastly, I could not tape record myself singing (for a variety of reasons, lol) that song and going to the trouble of shipping it to a man without being passionately in love with him. It just wouldn't happen.
Whatever she has with OM is over and done with, despite the fact that she may have not made a clean break yet. Imagine how she feels right now--she's gotta dump him and piss him off, too, in addition to dealing with your anger over the whole thing. No one wants to be hated and despised--even if they deserve it--so she's procrastinating and sticking a toe in the water to see if you are willing to help her do what must be done..namely, to jettison the rat bastard.
I think that this is absolutely something she should do on her own, but you have a choice here: Ignore her and let her continue to flounder, or use some of your wisdom on her and illuminate the path that she must take. Right now, she's walking in the dark and fog wondering where the hell she put herself.
I guess I can relate to Blackfoots POV though. When H made overtures toward me while still involved with ow, he made ME feel like the OW in their little relationship. Interesting for a while, but just yucky when it kept going on. I have gotten all sorts of love notes from H, but not the actions to back them up. My thought was, "why should I have to ask my H to give up his girlfriend?" He should have had enough backbone to just do it.
Yes, BF can try to be civil and talk to her, but gosh, it's hard sometimes when (projecting here) everything s/he says is a lie....just my 2 cents, and no, I don't need my change
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I have no problem being civil, or wishing her the best, moving on, etc. Its when she does start acting like she wants to come back that I get internally PO'ed.
HP What I think is that I shouldnt have to read her mind. Its not that I am not interested or disinterested in her overtures, if that is what they are, its that they are not what is needed. Gonna take more then a song.
something you said keeps repeating in my head. how do you right a wrong that is this destructive?
I dont know either. and I am not just talking about hers. I dont think you do right it. you just live with it.
I may not respond to contacts but that is because there is nothing to respond to. When she says call me at the end of a voice mail, I do. Normally she doesnt just says 'ok just wanted to let you know'
When an email is reminiscing what is there to respond too?
How will I know if it is the right time? I have no idea. that is up to her to let me know, now isnt it.
She didnt go to much trouble to get me the song. Background OM and I lived together in AK for a 3 years. He is a really really good musician/guitarist. IMO. Great voice. In fact one of his personally written songs that I have is about being in love with a married woman.
Its pretty good other then content. anybody want to hear it?
He sounds like the frigging radio when he plays and sings. I can play guitar too but not like that. I dont spend 2 plus hours a day on it. We used to go down to the dock and play together and flirt with chicks coming off the cruise ships. Good times.
any way, x loves to sing, the three of us would do this together. When we came back to Calli, she bought net video camera, and microphone and recording software, etc. He records himself singing and playing, and she records herself onto it also.
So her recording herself singing and emailing it to me, isnt that big a stretch or took much effort on her part. Its first time she did it for me, but doenst really do much for me considering.
Whatever she has with OM is over and done with
Im sorry. (did I just say that?) How do you know this? I dont know this. I dont know why it is if it is true. and yes it matters why. as she has repeatedly said OM has nothing to do with me/us. She was thinking about Divorcing me anyway. She moved to other state, away from family and friends, where she would be alone, only cursorily knew OM at the time, but she planned on D'ing me in the few short months we were there? and living on her own, taking care of herself for not only first time ever in her life, but on the money she made. Possible, in state we lived in but sure a big step down. Uh huh. And then moved back here? whence we both gave up careers, though we have both actually done unbelivably well since returning in that area.. Uh-huh. that song -one thing- by finger eleven always comes to mind when I look at my/our careers now.
I believe LFL said that to me also. Om has nothing to do with it/me.
she's gotta dump him and piss him off, too, in addition to dealing with your anger over the whole thing. No one wants to be hated and despised--
I dont hate or despise her. I really hope things work out for her. I did loathe and despise her the day I found out she filed, and that she had lied about doing it 6 months ago. I am really ready for some female company in my life. Again my anger only occurs when she wants to come back. I have to logical myself to the extreme. and it leaks out. and I am tired from fighting hard for our survival. I think its best to just ignore her. It gives her no security, and we can both rest. Her and OM are not my concern.
Her dumping him and pissing him off has nothing to do with me. Last time he sent me and a large majority of our mutual friends a email containing a couple pictures of them and love letters from her to him.
That was nice. You know I dont even think of him as a rat bastard, he has a lot of good qualities if he would stop with the married women. but his philosophy on life and R's is pretty set and reinforced by his actions. more of a ant, step on it dont step on it, either way no biggie.
Help her? No, I most certainly am not willing.
Right now, she's walking in the dark and fog wondering where the hell she put herself.
This stopped being my concern when she walked out the door. I treated her like we were married the day she walked in the door. People here mention loss of EC after days or weeks. ( yes I realize there are years of trying also.) I have memories, and loss, but EC? No. I have actually been in her presence.... 5, 6 times in past 6 months?
The best I can give this whole thing is it is some kind of game, or test, that I want to fail. Its too far outside of acceptable marital behaivior to be a part of, for me. I didnt care for and protect my marriage. I am reaping what I sowed.
I have to go read those darn Deida books Lil and OG are talking about. I need to focus on my navel.
Its a meditation/yoga/martial arts concept. Not focus as in look at with your eyes. focus as in finding your center, feeling where your power comes from. All these infomercials spouting 'your abs are your bodys core' is old news to the eastern world.
actually it comes from 2 or three inches below your navel. your Hara as Lil stated in OG's thread.
I never said so just want to say Thanks for your thoughts.
I am currently doing Tai Chi sunday mornings to help work the kinks out of my shoulder from accident. I actually think it is a great thing to try out things that are against your personality, to balance it out and give a different perspective. I ws just commenting on how we tend to gravitate towards what we are or like.
I agree with your coming to terms on the R, accepting our culpability and understanding the former SO did as well as they could too. I really dont think of my time with her as a waste. While I think there is a good chance I could hold it together, I just dont have the desire to do so. I tell myself that voice is just me being egotistical. I have some insecurity about OM, that will cause it to fail. yes fear but not fear without prior cause. So instead of putting us thru that again I am just clapping my hands so to speak and changing dealers, or tables rather. I guess I am the dealer.
I am not mad, only when she seems to want to come back. We dont fight when we talk though, this last time there was too much WOA, or ego-stroking as I call it coming from her. Seems like I should be happy. But its just the opposite. So the days tick by and I let her actions lead us to the judicial destination. Not very manly. Oh well I have other aspects of my life to work on, becuase of our seperation.
Mourn your M. Identify your mistakes. Be brutally honest with yourself when you are ready. Ultimately, forgive yourself and her. It takes time but the peace in the end is worth it.
Yes. Thank you. I have no problem beign brutal with myself. peace I crave peace. no more struggling for either of us.
I think you need to focus on why you get so mad when she wants to come back.
And, have you ever read the threads by csw? GREAT stuff there. Guy has a philandering W, he fixes his own contributions to the mess and then flat out tells her what she needs to do in order to be a part of his life again. AND SHE DOES IT!
I think there are marriages out there that definitely shouldn't be saved but yours...yours..I have a hard time seeing why it doesn't warrant more effort.
You know, Blackie, I was pissed off for a long time about my H getting so obssessed with religion that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. (this after we already had a child!) He had already emotionally abandoned me and the thought of physical abandonment was simply too much for me to handle. I stayed angry for a long time, my friend.
I will not tell you to lose the anger or strive for forgiveness or any of that trite-but-true stuff, I will just tell you that it IS possible to forgive someone a terrible wrong and, what's more, it is possible to move on to a wonderful life with them.
I'm not trying to compare my H's wrongs to your wife's wrongs--and I hope it doesn't come out that way--only trying to say that people make horrible mistakes in marriage all the time. And recover from them.
Let me ask you this: Have you ever thought through the process--from your end--and decided what would have to happen before reconciliation can take place? Such as 1. She will have no contact with OM. 2. She will........ETC.
It seems that you want--or rather EXPECT--that she will do certain things, but I'm not at all clear whether you and she know what these things are.
