Attitude leads to Behaivior, Behaivior Leads to At

[Stigmata]

As are prob. the toughest thing for any partner to get past. ....Ignorance is bliss, as they say.



"I prefer to know the truth and deal with it as best I can or can't."

--Same here. But I only see this happening in a world in which we have the ability to "mind-meld" to our partners to hear/feel how they really feelabout us and any situation; ie, true remorse/regret. Okay, I know I'm being cynical as I'm sure there are ladies and gentlemen on this board who still believe in personal integrity.

And I have much more respect for those who "come clean" about an A than those who get caught or try and keep the dirty little secret (like my x). I recently read an author's address of As in which he said, [if his/her first reaction is, 'can't we just start over with a clean slate?' They are not truly remorseful and you'd better watch out."

I pushed her to go for sales as that's where the money is...

"ahh thats the best part, knowing how much you did to help them become the person OP is having fun and reaping the rewards with."

--And I knew there might be some tests from this. Almost a foreboding but I didn't want to appear insecure and just swallowed my fears. No offense to sales people but I've heard some slippery sales guy-types so silver-tongued they could sell ketchup popsicles to old ladies in white gloves.

"...attention to detail, and she is very good at it.) found out after we were back together. x is unwilling to give me what she claims to want (and truth be said is showing with her actions) so I can move on with my conscience clear...."

--Intentional 'mistake' first time? It does smell fishy. To me it looks like she gave you the shot over your bow to get your reaction. I also think at that point she probably hadn't convinced herself this is what she wanted. It is also somewhat possible her subconscious fudge the papers and she didn't even realize it.

"Let me go she has repeatedly said. Um I did how much clearer can I be than not ever contacting you for 5 months.... Finish what you started please."

--Again, her guilt is making her deploy an irrational defense mechanism. She's projecting behavior onto you that she desperately wishes were true so the process will be easier on her...she is fighting guilt feelings of looking like the 'bad guy.' or the executioner.

"Let me go" suggests you are holding on, thus pushing her away and giving her the green light to run from the M. But you're not playing that game.

I also think she is scared. Too much responsibility to end an M yourself. Digging deeper, I also might think she might be dragging her feet as a last ditch to draw you out to defend the M. Essentially, perhaps she is internally upset that you seem to be letting go too easily and she's using this "Let me go" fantasy to get you to chase her again.

Are any of us ABSOLUTELY sure we want to permanently end a long term R?

Now this is dangerous b/c she may not want you back. Worst case scen. is it's a trap and once you start to pursue, boom, her power is restored. She may just crave your attention/desire so she feels as though she has the control back. Your 5 month silence has taken that power away from her and...she...does...not...like it.


"...need for vindictive, vengeful, acts of seeming retribution?"

--Projecting again. Since we're on the Kato thread, it's like OJ convincing himself he did not murder two people. She's convincing herself that you started this.

You are supposed to be the bad guy and she is fighting guilt feelings of being the bad guy so much that her mind is trying to warp reality; ie, "Let me go!" She lost her power over you and she's throwing a tantrum over it. And she's probably also vengeful and pouting b/c you are not playing by her rules of supplication/begging etc. And just when you start to figure out what the rules are, she will change them.

'BF wants a divorce so bad I'll show HIM a thing or two.' Of course, it makes no sense.

She might also be using it to bait you into an emotional outburst/eye for an eye behavior. If you blow up she will point her finger and happily yell, See what he's doing?!" Instant justification for the D and she tightens the screws. Cool and detached, my friend. Cool and aloof.

Ever just smile at someone shouting you down? I have and heartily recommend it. Makes them insane and they give up/fold like a deck of cards.


" I expect next she will be cleaning out joint savings and my checking which has her name on it still since I placed it there before moving out of other state."

--Count on it. Dealing with that now. Transferred to her own account. I told her to close the joint but she's leaving it open for now. Will see what happens/what that means as more time passes.

"I have mentioned before she destroys things around her when hurt/angry."

--Ah, yes, the lashing out. Sign of immaturity/selfish personalities. Like the child who destroys a sibling's artwork/construct after he/she couldn't handle being called names, no matter how harmless the names were from the others.

Blackie, I'm curious. Was she an only child or perhaps an only girl sibling? And, if so, was she spoiled rotten?

Mine was an only child and spoiled rotten. She seems to share a lot of your x's traits. And it's becoming hard to DB someone so self-absorbed and and insensitive. It's only been about 3 weeks since I left and I can't go through what you've gone through for 17 months. No way.

BTW, after both of us being "dark" I gotta call from her the other day. Just letting me know she totaled the car and another family's poor vehicle on her way to the airport for another jet-setting conference overseas. Naturally, my name is on the title and insurance...so a nice bonus for me.

She was banged up but still determined to go to conference and got flight next day. Wouldn't want to miss flashing the corporate Amex and hanging out with all her new buddies. Old her would have stayed home and had me take care of her aches. MLC or basking in all the attention she's been receiving? Think it's the latter.
Narcissistic or Histrionic Personality Disorder? Not sure, but signs are there.

"Cobra and TKD; Blackfoot and Aikido"

--And I prefer Brazilian Ju Jit Su for similar reasons. Grappling, submission and pressure point moves in lieu of striking moves.

But I do like to work a heavy bag to "get it all out."

"You do not truly know someone, untill you have fought them."

--And I'll add, "People appear normal...until you get to know them"
-Stigmata-