I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. My ex-H did not show to our D hearing and there was no need. Everything had really been worked out already, a consent order was signed and there was a witness that could state that we had no cohabitated in 1 year. That was MD. Other states are different.
I was interested in your analysis of martial arts. I took Ichinryu and TKD. I LOVED it. They are both completely out of character for me. I loved the challenge of sparring because my opponents found my weak points and I could work on them. I hated the aggressive aspect of sparring. My favorite stuff was kicking/punching drills and kata/forms. I loved the meditative aspect of practicing. For anyone who has never experienced the martial arts I heartily reccommend them - Tai Chi, Kung Fu, Tae Kwan Do, Aikido, Jujitsu - they are all different but a real mind/body education.
As far as the feeling of time wasted in the marriage etc... I know that feeling well. I was married for 10 years. You have to mourn the marriage. At some point you have to come to terms with your own culpability in it. Many would say I had none - ex-H was a drug using physician, verbally abusive, unable to negotiate life or relationships, mentally ill etc... Well, I lived it. I did have very specific areas of culpability. I am not responsible for everything that happened but I know where my responsibility lies. Ultimately, I came to a place where I also understood that ex-H did his best with the tools he brought to the situation. I couldn't hold it together with what he brought to the table. It is sad. I mourned it. I buried it and I moved on. We don't fight anymore, we have fairly friendly convos although exH is still everything I just said minus the drugs. Ex-H doesn't pay child support or handle visitation reliably. Why be mad? It is just who he his.
My point? Mourn your M. Identify your mistakes. Be brutally honest with yourself when you are ready. Ultimately, forgive yourself and her. It takes time but the peace in the end is worth it.
