Attitude leads to Behaivior, Behaivior Leads to At

[Stigmata]

Stigmata, dont know if you have a plan, if your W is having A or if she is just a WA, I am assuming A.

There was a poster here named CSW, and NOPkins gave him a lot of great advice that applies no matter the details.
If you havent read thru his threads do so and check out the advice.

Blackfoot,

Just happened across this thread; glad I caught your post.

I think my S is a WA and my gut is telling me she's just begun a new A.

If hindsight is 20/20 the insights on these boards brings it down to 20/10. (btw, best human sight ever recorded is 20/08...don't know why that would mean a hill of beans here, so...). Anyway, the reason I say this is I discovered she had a PA 4 years ago, we've been together for 6. I knew something was up the whole time during the 2.5 month tryst but I couldn't prove it and I was too arrogant to believe she would have any reason to cheat.

Well, the absolutely horrible part of it was the OM started calling our apt. leaving messages on the answering machine about the A...for my benefit, of course. She denied it like a grand champion of Sicilian liars (delivering previous in that distinctive Chris Walken manner)...I almost believed her until I saw it in black and white via some agonizingly painful chat logs between them.

And I say it was absolutely horrible when the OM started calling b/c it is probably the reason why I'm where I am now. See, she had actually ENDED the A weeks before and I, of course, was never supposed to find out about it...and I wish I hadn't. Even Cs say if an A is over and a S doesn't know about it then it's better not to tell them after the fact b/c it's a whole new can of worms. As are prob. the toughest thing for any partner to get past.

Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

We had always joked to each other what we would do to the other's unmentionable region if either one of us were to cheat and there I was staring at the truth right in her face. I went numb.

A wise sage said, 'to forgive and forget is to be naive; to never forgive and never forget is to find yourself alone; so you must forgive but never forget." Or something along those lines.

I forgave but the not forgetting turned me into an insecure, overly jealous nightmare inside...which found its way out from time to time. Questioning her dealings with male friends etc. Vvvvery unattractive.

Add to the the fact that I did EVERYTHING to make her life easier when she was not working her long hours...gourmet meals, home improvements, starting her car every morning during the icy winters etc. etc. and I now realize I became her Cato (of Pink Panther origin not 'Kato' Farrah Fawcett haired OJ asshat). It's not out of insecurity that I had done these things. It's who I am. I believe (or had believed anyway) in chivalry...in laying your topcoat over the puddle forr a lady; in being a knight in shining armor.

Compounding this, I, again, arrogantly thought I knew what women wanted. Many...many of her girlfriends were extremely jealous. Nightly foot rubs, hand massages, head massages, cuddling, spooning etc. etc. since she was so tired all of the time from her job... She didn't want a wham, bam, thank you for my benefit...or at least I foolishly thought. Throw in other stresses, raising her psychotic ADHD puppy, dealing with tenants from our rental house...a perfect storm that resulted in little/no actual sex or even a vacation full of sex together to recharge.

And, worst of all, ZERO communication about unmet needs/wants, whatever semantics/terminology you guys are settling on at present. Two hours of TV on the couch then off to bed we went to crash in exhaustion....until it became routine, day after day, night after night.

Routine is death. Security is death. Complacency is death. Comfort is death. "Such a Nice Guy" (friends) is DEATH.

My 'Man Card' was revoked and I deserved it. Her feelings are valid. She lost the 'spark' and doesn't feel it for me anymore. At least I told her I accept her feelings completely and didn't beg, plead, cry or the like in front of her; I had some dignity left in my completely wussified persona.

Anyway, this is turning into a freakin' novella so I'll just say things went downhill a few months ago when her work role changed. She began flying to various sales conferences...I pushed her to go for sales as that's where the money is...

Well, it's a recipe for disaster. Posh hotels, fancy dinners, late night bar hopping, etc...all to get people to 'network.' And she went alone nearly every time.

And now it seems all the new friends she has made at these events are D men and her new best friend is a D woman, who just left her alkie husband. How many of them do you suppose are bitter about M?

So let me be a warning to you XY chromosome cretins. Women say they want comfortable, sensitive, loyal, and safe men in any long term R but it only goes so far. Ever play the game "Kill, Marry, F$#^" with a woman? It's a game where you ask a woman, for instance, "BFoot, Stigmata, or Cobra. If you HAD to pick one for the following fates who would you kill, who would you marry, and who would you F?" It's scary if you play it with mutual M-Fs...and very revealing.

Anyway, back to my sitch, when some helmet at a conference with a slick sales rap, sharp attire, cocktails hits the right buttons on a woman who feels no 'spark', head for the hills. Game over. He's mysterious. He's confident. He knows what to say. She gets his "A" game. It's not him they're seeing, it's his representative.

The real "him" probably has a ton of baggage and bizarre idiosyncracies that he will never expose as this new "rogue." 5 years down the road in a R she might be contemplating introducing his cranium to a Louisville Slugger. but by then you're just a tiny footnote in her rear view mirror.

Anyway, this all gets to the title of the thread "Attitude" and how the sexes must act. And I must say, I lean towards BF's views on gender roles, whether it's PC or un-PC...and I will continue reading these posts as part of my tough education and penance.

-Stigmata-