First, he's the WAS. You're the person trying to act in the reality-based manner, trying to behave in ways that reflect true personal growth, and true unconditional love - for self, children, and H. I understand what you're saying, and I would agree, if I were trying to keep XH. I'm not. I've reached my point of enough, as much as it hurts. I do love him, but until he desides to fix himself, he's toxic to me and I can't live like that.
Second, keep low expectations, especially regarding him and his family. Of course they'll toe the family line - their HIS blood relatives, not yours. I have no expectations anymore. None, except that I can't count on him and that he's going to treat me like I don't exist. As for his family, I've had it with them too. It's one thing to treat me like crap but to treat a 11 year old that way is just mean.
Third, don't A$$ume - anything. He's not necessarily acting in a vindictive manner. He's just a self-centered oaf - as are all WASs at most points in time, especially those going thru MLC patterns. For him, its not about you. Its about him. Very true, but that doesn't mean I have to sit here and take it anymore. And while not all of his actions may not be vindictive, there are a lot that are. He's admitted to such.
Fourth, for you, its all about YOU. Not him, not the OW, not the ILs - just you, Hon. So get those plans in gear - get ready to be more financially self-sufficient, give your clothing/appearance some alterations that stop him in his tracks and set his blood a-boiling, reminding him how he looked at you in the first days of your R. But do so to remind you as well - that you have so much to offer this world, yourself, another person. Agreed. And this is where I'm putting all of my effort. But not for him, not to get him back, not to have a R with him, it has nothing to do with him anymore. I'm doing it all for me. Last summer I liked who I was. Over the past year I allowed XH to pick her apart and change her in what he wanted. Well I don't seem to know her much anymore and that's just wrong. I'm working very hard to get back to being that girl I was last year, not for XH, not for the kids (well some what), not for anyone else, but for me.
I know I'm being very negative right now, but I need this. I need to be angry to keep me going. To keep me from letting myself fall backwards again. I can't do this anymore guys.
Journaling... Last night was uneventful. My best friend came over and we worked on the halloween costumes. It was fun. XH pretty much stayed to himself. He did fix dinner which was nice. Of course he left all the dirty dishes out all over the place for me to clean up. I wouldn't have minded normally but I had just cleaned the kitchen and I had company over. Nothing else much to say.
