I decided to boogie on over and see what was going on in your world. Sure glad I did.
The date posted by your name says that you have been at this for a relatively short time. Chances are your husband has been selfish and self centered for a much longer time, we just have a hard time admitting it to ourselves.
I have been kicking around for 3 years now, and still not divorce. Everything that you have said, I also could have said. I always wanted to believe the best in people, so of course I would have expected all of the things that you did out of your marriage. Everything that you have said brings me back to that place in time where all I wanted was for my family to be whole again. Sadly, all the wanting in the world won't get it done unless both of us want it to. That was a very hard realization for me.
It's always easier for other to see our situations more clearly than we do. We are so enveloped in the grief that we would put everything back together, no questions asked, just the way it was. Trouble with that is that nothing ever gets straightened out and we are in store for more of the same. When you've had some space you will most likely be the one that will realize that this was never the relationship that you had envisioned for yourself. Hard to imagine now but it's true none the less.
I remember going to see our marriage counselor/therapist. By this time I had found out about a 2nd affiar that my husband had had. Still I wanted to believe that he was a good person who made some big mistakes. Certainly he would never want to lose his family. The funny thing was that he would have the affairs and I would end up at the therapists office. She looked me square in the eye and said, "Beth, I affair may be a mistake but anything more is a problem. I'm not saying this will happen but until he gets to the root of what's wrong within him, this might happen again." Even after I walked out of her office, I didn't want to believe it.
All I'm trying to tell you in a very round about way is to pay attention and be honest with yourself. Chances are, you already know what's what and what you need to do for yourself and your kids to make life better.
Please don't get angry or frustrated with your friends here, they care about you and hate seeing him hurt you like this. They also know that unfortunately, in the end, you will be the one left to do all of the clean up work.
In telling you this, I'm not saying that your marriage can't be restored, after all there is only 1 God and it's not me. See, what I had to find out the hardway is that someone has to change the dance, and believe me it's not going to be your husband. What I now know in retrospect is that unless things change, you've got nothing. Right now he's out there and he probably doesn't even know what he wants.
You are going in the right direction. It looks as if you are getting out there and trying to make somekind of life for yourself, that's a positive. What I would suggest to even help yourself more with not trying to think about why he does what he does (because as I said above if you out and out asked him that question, he would be hard pressed for an answer) or you have the urge to contact him, instead of calling him, call a friend. Someone who knows and loves you, and who you know will be honest with you.
I'll tell ya Hope as I told just_me or whatever his name is today, when we're true to ourselves everything falls into place. Everything about your life revolves around what your husband says and does, I know that only too well. Once I decided no more, my whole world changed. There was no more trying to change myself to be worthy enough for this man who should have known all along that I was already more that worthy. None of us are perfect, we all have things that we could tweake and change and if we see something that we don't like, we owe it to ourselves to change it. That's what makes us grow and helps us to become better people. That's what I want to be when I grow up, the best person I can be.
Love is a choice Hope and I now choose to be in a relationship where I am loved for the person that I have always been, and the person that I choose to become. That alone should be good enough.
