Something Like "Normal"

[Underdog]

Wes,

You made some great points. And since your last question is a trick question, I'm not gonna answer it!

Besides, what is important is that each of us are called to do a brutal self-examination and make the changes where they keep us from growing and being the people we want to become. I've done that in spades. So much so that my family members have commented on how different I am nearly 3 years later.

I made the changes for myself and nobody else. They happened to top his list of irritations, but I had also figured out that others weren't so hot about them either. To me, it was a no brainer. But had he said he wished I become a goth or denounce my Catholicism or become a vegan, I would have honored my own course and still worked on the general issues that held me back and prevented me from being a happier person.

While I'm still sorry that the outcome didn't weigh in my direction, I'm a happy person. I've changed a lot and I'm committed to continue working on the things that are problem areas (one can never cross everything off the list, ya know).

The only reason I posted today is because I recognized a dynamic that dogged me for 12 years of our nearly 15 year marriage.

I found that when I ask for what I want in terms of how I feel--and not stating it as an expectation, my results tend to be exactly what I need.

And I also believe that if Hope learns how to verbalize what she wants in the same terms, it will serve her well in all her Rs.

For instance, if you really want to sustain a friendship with someone who doesn't prefer phone chats but you do, how would you approach it?

"Susie, I expect friends to call me every other day in order to feel as though you value my friendship." Since Susie isn't a phone person, my guess is that she will bristle and feel as though I have some sort of unrealistic expectation. And I don't get to keep her friendship because I've now placed one of my expecations on the table.

Far better to say, "Susie, I know you're not a phone person, but I really love the times when we do chat. Would you mind if I called you every few days just to say hi?" I'm saying that I want to chat. But I'm also letting Susie know that I'm open to her own ideas on how she feels close to me so we can discuss further.

I FEEL statements work really well... FWIW.

But I can guarantee you that when Mr. Wonderful's foot was out the door--he didn't give a rats a$$ how I felt. It was all about him. When he was ready to engage with me again on a more adult level, I had already made changes to make things progress at a happy clip.

Have a great weekend!

Betsey