So basically I should expect nothing of him, and when he treats me like crap I should say "thank you"?
No one told you to think that. You're making an absurd conclusion. By "absurd", I mean not that you're absurd, but that such a conclusion is way off.
Yes, that's more expectations and shoulds, but I still believe it's unrealistic in a R to say that you should never have an expectation of the other person or think that they should treat you a certain way.
Certainly in an equal relationship there's a requirement of reciprocity. I demonstrate love, support, respect for you, I expect the same back.
Things is, unless your partner's a clone, you're not going to get it back quite the way you may expect. People are different from each other. Some things may satisfy, other things may not. It's how you work that out that counts.
Take the "Love Language" concept, for example. Partner A feels loved if their given praise, Partner B feels more loved if quality time is spent with them. So, say Partner A isn't getting sufficient affirmation from Partner B. It doesn't mean Partner B loves Partner A any less, it's just that this emotional need has to be communicated, Partner B has to make the effort to meet that need, which they will if they're dedicated to always working on the relationship and willing to expend the effort.
But Partner B will still be an individual, a different person, and may demonstrate the giving of that emotional need in their own way, which they see as demonstrating that need. Now, if Partner A has higher or more specific expectations of how that should be demonstrated, Partner A has the option of explaining this, but if it becomes overwhelming to Partner B, then it's impractical. But that still doesn't mean Partner B loves them any less. It means Partner B may be thinking, "No matter what I do, it's not good enough!" and starts to reel from that. So there's a compromise that happens where expectations need to be put aside for the sake of the relationship.
That's a far different situation where one partner is being abusive to the other, either verbally, emotionally, physically.
But those 'relationship" expectations are different than expecting certain thoughts and actions from the other, such as: "He should've called by now, what's wrong with him?" or "Doesn't he realize I'd like to go to the movies tonight? How many clues do I have to leave for him?!" or "Why didn't he prepare dinner, I've been out all day and I'm tired and hungry and he didn't think to prepare dinner when he realized I wouldn't be home? What's wrong with him?!"
Not to say that those issues shouldn't be part of what's worked out in a relationship, but to say that harboring ill feelings that arise from certain expectations not being met not only makes you feel lousy and view the relationship negatively, but it puts you on the wrong track to resolving them.
These are controlling behaviors? Asking someone to call you? Wanting them to let you know if they will be home for dinner? Sure, these things could be handled a different way, like telling them exactly why you want the call..."I worry. Could you just let me know. We miss you...we just like to hear from you". Yeah, stuff like that. And you say...I have learned not to expect anything of him? Is this what we've learned from DB? No thank you. So even when married you wouldn't expect him not to cheat on you? Because wanting him to be faithful is controlling. Hmmmmmm
That's another absurd conclusion. Everyone exhibits some sort of "controlling behaviors" even if control is not really what's behind it. "Controlling behaviors" by definition are behaviors put forth in order to achieve something for one's self or to determine a certain outcome one wishes to achieve. "Please pass the mustard" could be described as a controlling behavior, but it's usually not, right?
Asking someone to call you when they get home because you'll worry otherwise serves your purpose of feeling at ease that they're safe. But to the other person, they may see it as overbearing. Why? because up until they met you, they were fully capable of making it home on their own safely, and now your insistence on them calling may feel to them like you think they're an incapable kid, or you checking up on them.
"we miss you, please call" is an earnest bid. But if they choose to not call, or can't call, what you do with that event will either impact you negatively or not.
Agaian, don't confuse reasonable relationship expectations with unrealistic expectations.
