Something Like "Normal"

[Underdog]

No, Hope, I did not mean that marriage cannot allow you to have expecations. I think there are general expecations that one probably can verbalize: fidelity, honesty, and a true commitment.

In an equal partnership, BOTH parties want to improve themselves for the better of the marriage... which is a true partnership.

It is certainly within your boundaries and expectations to say to your H: I feel happy when you call me on trips just to check in and say hello to me and the kids.

You express your feelings, and if he is truly committed to making things better and making you happy, he will find a way to meet your needs. If he chooses to remain stuck in the world of resentment and unforgiveness, then that will provide you with the answers you need to make some decisions for your own future. (As far as I'm concerned, there is no hope for a marriage as long as either party chooses to hold on to these things.)

Hope, I see you placing yourself in a box. You have concrete ideas on how people should behave and speak when they are with you. Don't you think that's a bit controlling? I also think that in the long run, you'll find that people don't want to work on their R with you--nothing is ever what you expect or want and it will never be good enough if it's not exactly what YOU want. BTW, I'm using the word *you* as a generality.

I think that right now, it would be wise to leave many of your expecations off the agreement table. He's wavering on whether or not your marriage is worth his time and effort. He's probably also looking very closely at your behaviors (verbal and non-verbal) which might give him a clue whether or not you are willing to change.

Like it or not, your H has one foot out the door. I'll ask you point blank: do you want to work on yourself and see if he might soften or do you want to shove him out and slam it? I don't know how your story will end, Hope, but until you can possibly see things from his POV and have empathy, he just might make that choice for you.

Look, I expected my XH to want to make me happy... the more I gave in to the process of what that looked like, the more possibilities I seemed to generate. I may be divorced, but we have more respect and compassion for each other than many married people I know.

Hope, the only reason I held on to my controlling behaviors was fear. Fear that I might have to change more than I already had. But you know what? We're asked to continue changing. To be better and happier people. And often that requires us growing up and leaving our own egos and agendas behind.

You've got some amazing help here on your thread. Perhaps you can take a deep breath, say a prayer and find the value in what they are trying to convey to you.

Good luck.

Betsey