Something Like "Normal"

[Underdog]

Hope,

I've not posted to you before, but I've been a lurker... hope you don't mind if I jump in for a few minutes before my meeting.

A couple of things to throw on your plate to chew on...

Toomanywords made an excellent point: looking for "signs" is another way of asking the universe to meet your expectations. I don't know about you, but when I've asked for this, I've been looking for one specific sign. And it never shows up. It also keeps me stuck and thinking in my own box without being open to other ways of growing.

I sense so much resentment in your post yesterday. I don't mention this to slam you, but to help guide you from this place to a kinder place and one where you may see some big results.

I'm really in complete agreement with what NYS and Wes had to say on the idea of "should/should not". They are words that indicate expectations.

I'll use your example of your H not calling back because it was a problem in my own marriage. For years, I would ask Mr. Wonderful to call me when on trips--be they pleasure or business. He refused. I got stuck in the resentment game, "He doesn't care about me because he doesn't call." When he got home from his trip, I was genuinely UNHAPPY to see him because I was convinced that he really didn't give a hoot.

After we separated, this issue came up in MC--but it wasn't me who brought it up. After he moved out, I could hardly expect him to act as if he still loved me, right?

He indicated that he found this issue just another one of control--I wanted something and he was expected to give it to me. The bigger deal I made of the issue, the more he fought back. The more he fought back, the more he hated the idea of calling--as it meant he was not a man but a pu$$y whipped shell of one.

After lots of debate, he finally admitted to our MC and me that he wanted to call. He was just stuck on the idea of control. MC looked at him and said, "I dunno, Mr. W... I'd have to ask myself why I continued to cast myself as selfish and childish, and if that was one thing I could do to make all of my family members feel happy, I would do it."

Hope, we are divorced now. But ever since that session, Mr. W. has cheerfully called us every night. Even when we were on vacation at the beach--he left me voicemails indicating that he was thinking of all of us.

The moment he heard that it was a desire to talk to him and not a means of controlling him was the day he conceded. But it took time and actions and an independent third party to convince him of something I had been saying all along.

If you carry any of these unverbalized expectations forward in your speech or actions or thoughts, he is going to continue doing things that serve him and not you or your family. Does this make sense?

Have you seen the list of controlling behaviors before? It's a thread somewhere up in Newcomers that might need to be bumped up. I was a little dismayed to see many of my own there--and it gave me a real incentive to change.

Time to run. Let me know what you think.

Betsey