Agree with trying to stay positive. Don't agree with this incredible focus on XH, changing your life for his "benefit", or justifying his behavior either way based on possible scenarios. You've spent the last whatever number of months either stressing why he didn't do something or making excuses for him why he didn't. It still says it is all about him and I feel that's because you gave up the things in your life because you thought it would make him happy. The focus needs to be on you. This is your life, not your XH's. Live it the way you should.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Asking God for signs is a difficult thing to do. There are signs around us every single day. But it is how we interpret the signs is what matters. If you remember I too asked God for signs and I seen the church sign saying things about Love. I thought they meant that (now) XH would reconsider and change his mind, etc. Turns out those signs may have been pointing to my BF. There is a saying that my professors used to say- that for every study that proves something, there is a study that disproves it. Well- for us for all the negative signs we see, there are positives we aren't paying attention to.
Hang in there. Have fun!
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Yes, the list is mostly negatives, but that's all there is. I have nothing else to post. Yes he called and I didn't answer, but if you werer 3000 miles away from your kids, wouldn't you call back later? Or at least leave a message? I didn't call him back because he had told me his plans for last night before he left. He and his friend were going out. So I figured if he had time he'd call, if not, he was too busy. Why bother him?
Quote: but if you werer 3000 miles away from your kids, wouldn't you call back later? Or at least leave a message?
I call even if I am only 3 miles away from my kids. My H calls pretty much daily to talk to the kids but if we aren't home or if I don't have my cell with me he very seldom leaves a message. He hates talking on the machine. He never leaves a message anywhere. I hope your XH calls tonight. At least then it would ease your mind some. I am so sorry you are going through with this.
What if you texted him and said "sorry I missed your call yesterday....try again today." At least this way you tried.
((((hugs)))) I wish there was more I could offer you.
trying_2_stay_positive - You know, part of me wants to text him (later when i know he's up, he's three hours behind me). But a bigger part of me doesn't. That part doesn't want to talk to him at all. I don't want to hear about all the fun he's having and hear him all happy, knowing that it's because he's not here.
NYS brought up some good points. I shouldn't expect anything of anyone. Just because I think I should be treated with love and respect doesn't mean anyone else believes that. Just because I believe people should be respectful and honest, doesn't mean others think that way. But come on, how realistic is that???
Hopeful, one thing I have noticed is that my H says he is happier without me, but the reality is sooooooo different. I think if he is unhappy at home, no way he is "having fun" some place else.
The only thing you can do is what your heart tells you to do. If you don't feel like your heart is being helpful, then do what your head says. I am all for giving things a try but if it is going to make you miserable is it really worth it? Even though you are divorced you found your way back to each other. That has to amount to something. Marriage is tough. The first 7 years are the toughest. Once I got past that things started looking better. Now, after 16 years of marriage I don't know what to think. The first 7 years look real good about now.
Marriage is what we make of it. If you aren't happy then you need to take the first step to find out what will make you happy. After being married or around someone for so long we tend to take each other for granted. I realize now what my mistakes were. I thought marriage was about romance. When the romance fizzled then that meant the marriage was over. I don't know of anyone who has a really romantic marriage except for the fake people on tv. Maybe that is where we get the impression on what marriage should be like. I don't know.
Most people tend to know when their marriage is over. You figure the communication stops, no sex, etc... I have the hard time of accepting anything because my H and I were intimate 2 days before he left. This is why I think he just needed time to think things through. Our communication broke down. That was our biggest mistake. We stopped talking to each other. We stopped telling each other the things that were bothering us. We held it in and it blew up in our faces.
Use this week that your XH is gone and focus on yourself and see what you want. Call up an old friend and go out and do something. I know you want your relationship to work but is it worth all the pain you are in?
Have you heard the saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was". I don't know if that is the whole saying but you let your XH go and he came back. That has to count for something. If he didn't want to be there I don't think he would stay. He left once and I am sure it was hard for him to do it. If he wanted out then I am sure he would just leave.
I know I am just trying to say things to make you feel better. I might not be wording the things the way they should but I hope you get what I am trying to say.
It is up to you whether you call your XH or not, or whether you sit around waiting for him to call you. Try to go out and have fun. If you can't find a sitter, then go out with your kid(s) and do something fun. This way if your XH calls you will be in a good frame of mind. Don't let him think you are sitting home pouting and waiting for him. Let him see you can have a good time too. When I started getting out I noticed my H started hanging around the house more when it is his turn with the kids. Maybe it got him thinking, I don't know but it sure seems to work some.
I hope you can figure out what you want and have a good weekend. I will check back in to see if you post that you tried to call him or not. Good luck!!!
I've not posted to you before, but I've been a lurker... hope you don't mind if I jump in for a few minutes before my meeting.
A couple of things to throw on your plate to chew on...
Toomanywords made an excellent point: looking for "signs" is another way of asking the universe to meet your expectations. I don't know about you, but when I've asked for this, I've been looking for one specific sign. And it never shows up. It also keeps me stuck and thinking in my own box without being open to other ways of growing.
I sense so much resentment in your post yesterday. I don't mention this to slam you, but to help guide you from this place to a kinder place and one where you may see some big results.
I'm really in complete agreement with what NYS and Wes had to say on the idea of "should/should not". They are words that indicate expectations.
I'll use your example of your H not calling back because it was a problem in my own marriage. For years, I would ask Mr. Wonderful to call me when on trips--be they pleasure or business. He refused. I got stuck in the resentment game, "He doesn't care about me because he doesn't call." When he got home from his trip, I was genuinely UNHAPPY to see him because I was convinced that he really didn't give a hoot.
After we separated, this issue came up in MC--but it wasn't me who brought it up. After he moved out, I could hardly expect him to act as if he still loved me, right?
He indicated that he found this issue just another one of control--I wanted something and he was expected to give it to me. The bigger deal I made of the issue, the more he fought back. The more he fought back, the more he hated the idea of calling--as it meant he was not a man but a pu$$y whipped shell of one.
After lots of debate, he finally admitted to our MC and me that he wanted to call. He was just stuck on the idea of control. MC looked at him and said, "I dunno, Mr. W... I'd have to ask myself why I continued to cast myself as selfish and childish, and if that was one thing I could do to make all of my family members feel happy, I would do it."
Hope, we are divorced now. But ever since that session, Mr. W. has cheerfully called us every night. Even when we were on vacation at the beach--he left me voicemails indicating that he was thinking of all of us.
The moment he heard that it was a desire to talk to him and not a means of controlling him was the day he conceded. But it took time and actions and an independent third party to convince him of something I had been saying all along.
If you carry any of these unverbalized expectations forward in your speech or actions or thoughts, he is going to continue doing things that serve him and not you or your family. Does this make sense?
Have you seen the list of controlling behaviors before? It's a thread somewhere up in Newcomers that might need to be bumped up. I was a little dismayed to see many of my own there--and it gave me a real incentive to change.
Time to run. Let me know what you think.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Have you heard the saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was". I don't know if that is the whole saying
I think it's "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it."
LOL. Did he really come back? Is what you've experienced since "he came back" really back? Doesn't sound like it to me. Sounds like a WAH that lives with you instead of apart.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
