Quote: Now, think about what you wrote about giving in or giving up, do you want to do either or are you willing to be patient and hang on?
After 2 years of playing this game with him, I'm really not sure anymore. Here's some more insight. This is an email between myself and a good friend.
Can you do the things mentally for yourself that will allow you to feel happy and content regardless of whether he's present or absent from your life? No. Not under these conditions. Not when everything is up in the air all the time. Even if he were to say to me "No, I'm not happy. And I don't think I love you, but I'm not going anywhere." I would feel better. But right now, he could disappear at any moment. It's a mind f*** and he does it on purpose.
Or does his presence in the same house kill this? Yes. There have been many times I've been in a great mood or had a really good day, until he gets home and then he does/says things on purpose to hurt me and bring me down.
How did you achieve that? Were you happy? What things about that made you happy? I had nothing to do with him. I was happy to a point. There were still many nights I would cry myself to sleep because I missed him. I spent a lot of time with my family. Then I lived five minutes down the street. Now I live almost 40 minutes away. I hung out with my friends, all of which I haven't seen in many months and haven't talked to in a while either. XH didn't approve of them so I let them go, because he said if I did, he would be happy. I talked to my friends on the internet. Had to stop this because it made XH uncomfortable. Haven't talked to most of them in many months. I had an online Journal. Had to give this up because XH said it was taking too much time away that I could be spending with him. I use to be in a LARP (Live Action Role Play) group. Had to stop this because XH didn't like the people there. (I have to give him this one though, the guy I had the EA was there.)
Do you see the problem? I was so stupid to think that if I did what he asked, everything would be okay. So I did. Now I have nothing left. If I were to go back to what I was doing, then I would have to choose between him and them. Do you see why he's my world? He wanted it that way and I did it. Now all I have is him and he doesn't want to be any part of it.
Not sure if that helps you all understand me a little more or not. I've dug myself a hole, lost the latter, and now it's raining. What I would give to go back in time five months.
