One correction: I did ask him to call. He said he would. He didn't.
In the past I didn't analyze everything, but in the past he never told me he didn't love me, he spent time with me, he didn't treat me like I was invisible. In the past there wasn't a reason for me to analyze things so much.
So you tell me, oh wise one, what is it that I'm suppose to do that is productive here? Cause I damn sure don't know what else to do other than give in and give up.
Quote: Cause I damn sure don't know what else to do other than give in and give up.
Ok, sit down, take a deep breath and slowly count to 10. Now, think about what you wrote about giving in or giving up, do you want to do either or are you willing to be patient and hang on? You are the only one who can answer this.
Quote: Now, think about what you wrote about giving in or giving up, do you want to do either or are you willing to be patient and hang on?
After 2 years of playing this game with him, I'm really not sure anymore. Here's some more insight. This is an email between myself and a good friend.
Can you do the things mentally for yourself that will allow you to feel happy and content regardless of whether he's present or absent from your life? No. Not under these conditions. Not when everything is up in the air all the time. Even if he were to say to me "No, I'm not happy. And I don't think I love you, but I'm not going anywhere." I would feel better. But right now, he could disappear at any moment. It's a mind f*** and he does it on purpose.
Or does his presence in the same house kill this? Yes. There have been many times I've been in a great mood or had a really good day, until he gets home and then he does/says things on purpose to hurt me and bring me down.
How did you achieve that? Were you happy? What things about that made you happy? I had nothing to do with him. I was happy to a point. There were still many nights I would cry myself to sleep because I missed him. I spent a lot of time with my family. Then I lived five minutes down the street. Now I live almost 40 minutes away. I hung out with my friends, all of which I haven't seen in many months and haven't talked to in a while either. XH didn't approve of them so I let them go, because he said if I did, he would be happy. I talked to my friends on the internet. Had to stop this because it made XH uncomfortable. Haven't talked to most of them in many months. I had an online Journal. Had to give this up because XH said it was taking too much time away that I could be spending with him. I use to be in a LARP (Live Action Role Play) group. Had to stop this because XH didn't like the people there. (I have to give him this one though, the guy I had the EA was there.)
Do you see the problem? I was so stupid to think that if I did what he asked, everything would be okay. So I did. Now I have nothing left. If I were to go back to what I was doing, then I would have to choose between him and them. Do you see why he's my world? He wanted it that way and I did it. Now all I have is him and he doesn't want to be any part of it.
Not sure if that helps you all understand me a little more or not. I've dug myself a hole, lost the latter, and now it's raining. What I would give to go back in time five months.
One correction: I did ask him to call. He said he would. He didn't.
In your experience, does everyone always do what they say they're going to? Before you answer that, understand I'm not asking for your reasons as to why he should call if he says he's going to. It's just a "yes" or "no" question.
Whatever the reason is that he didn't call, I don't know. But just taking it on face value, and how it affects you, here's what I think:
When we start to assign "shoulds", we're implanting our thumbprint on someone else: "He should've called because he said he was going to " or "He should've called just so I don't worry" or "He should've called to let me know if..." and it goes on. Then we get riled, upset, ticked. Why? Because we're reacting emotionally to our own misconceptions of what we think others should do. Well, the truth is, others don't think like you. To expect that they will is to set yourself up continually to be disappointed.
Even when someone meets the general expectation every now and then, there can still be disappointment in its delivery: "He didn't say [whatever]...", "He could've called sooner", "I didn't like his apology"...
Even in the best of relationships, no one can live up to all the "shoulds" their partner may expect. No one.
If anything, what we "should" expect of others, is that different things other than what we'd expect or like, are going to happen. That's more in line with the reality of life on this planet dealing with people.
In the past I didn't analyze everything, but in the past he never told me he didn't love me, he spent time with me, he didn't treat me like I was invisible. In the past there wasn't a reason for me to analyze things so much.
This is so much a matter of perception, isn't it? Because yet another person might've said, "In the past, he gave me all his attention and told me he loved me... I always wondered why... what was it about me that made him feel so?"
WE, as human critters, like to know "why". So, when presented with a puzzle, such as a WAS's behavior, we feel we need to understand it. Understanding provides some relief, yes, but doesn't solve any problems. Then when we use the wrong tools to analyze matters, we really fall into a trap. Wrong tools would be assumptions, mind reading and predicting the future.
what is it that I'm suppose to do that is productive here? Cause I damn sure don't know what else to do other than give in and give up.
That's not your only choice. But FWIW, I'd reflect openly on what Dogma wrote, and consider that having specific expectations over which when they're unrealized my blood pressure's going to go up, is a behavior to divest myself of.
I agree with everything written here by NYSurvivor about "should haves". That is true of any relationship, not just one with your spouse. It's true of the guy that pulls sharply in front of you when your driving down the road. You immediately think..."that a-hole shouldn't have done that" and you flip him off and honk your horn. Perhaps he felt he had enough space and he certainly wasn't trying to tork you off. So we apply shoulds to everyone...that waitress should have known by looking that I wanted a refill...the b..ch!
Now is the part for me to disagree...with the unspoken part, that this is really worth it. That you should not have expectations, you should not take offense, that now that you've changed most of your life for your H sake that you should change the way you think as well. I say B.S. I say b.s. primarily to the fact that you gave away your life for his sake and continue to subjugate your needs for his. And then find ways to make it more bearable. I cringe when I read what you wrote. My only advice to you now and for as long as you have threads is that you have to have a life. And it needs to be the life that makes you happy and that you chose of your own free will for yourself. He lost the chance to even input in this when he divorced you and when he said ILYBINILWY. You can not continue to give up things and make changes because you think it will make him happy. It won't. You can't make him happy. He has to do that for himself. DB rule #1: Get a life. And I mean one of your own...not one that is what your XH wants you to have.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Okay, tell you all what. I'll take these five days and have fun, not worry about him or us. I won't make any decisions until he comes back.
He finally called. I didn't answer. I suddenly realized I had nothing to say to him. Nor did I want to hear about how much fun he was having. He didn't leave a VM. I'll answer if he calls again. I think I need to be busy a lot this weekend.
Oh yeah, I'm feeling better now.
I'm online tonight if anyone wants to chat... dancingwithtime on yahoo.
I just wanted to send you some {{{Hugs}}}. Sounds like you could really use some encouragement. You sound really down and hurting a lot right now. Try to give yourself "a break" for the next few days. Try doing somethings you have been wanting to do but haven't had the chance to do.
Hang in there. I am sure you will be feeling better in a couple of days. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to feel our pain or we will keep it bottled up inside and then explode. We wouldn't want to explode at our S and create even more problems.
He never called back. Not even to say good night to the kids.
Had a good time chatting with friends last night.
Slept almost the whole night through without waking up worried.
I asked God for signs. Here's what I've gotten: * He called but didn't leave a VM. * He didn't call back again. * I had no problem falling asleep last night with him being gone. Normally that would take a xanax to do. * I actually slept better than if he had been in bed with me. * I woke up feeling very numb.
Look at your previous post. Pretty much all of it is negative. Try looking at some positive points. I know it is hard to do this but it will keep you going until he gets back. If you stay in a negative mood then you won't even try to have fun.
Quote: He called but didn't leave a VM. * He didn't call back again.
Atleast he did call. You were the one who chose not to answer. Maybe he figured you wouldn't answer if he called again.
Take this time to focus on yourself. Try to have a good time. Enjoy your cats. Cuddle with them. Just try not to be too negative.
