Hopeful, I am sorry you are feeling this way. It seems to me that you have lost a little bit of your edge throughout all this. Have you forgotten about yourself? Your qualities? The kind of person you are and the things you really want out of him? It's as if you are deciding how your day is going to be depending on how he treated you the night before or in the morning... I am not saying that you should give up, but your approach doesn't seem to be getting the results you hope and deserve.
If I can give you any advice (and I am great at giving sound avice but don't follow them myself) is, do not call him while he is gone. When he comes back, I would be less available, more busy with other areas of your life.
Give yourself scores from 1 to 10 for the following areas of your life (1 being the lowest and 10 the highest): health, work/studies, family, friends, social life, dreams, love life, spirituality; than go work on the areas that are receiving the least attention. It seems like love life has 2,000 points...
First thing....cheer up!!! Don't look at it as you all spending time apart, look at it as time for you to have to think things through. I'm sure he will miss you. Men have a weird way of showing their feelings. I think it is good for you to not initiate contact. Let him contact you. You might be surprised.
Hang in there. I'm sure not feeling well doesn't make it any easier. Don't let yourself get run down from depression or anything this week. Try to keep your spirits up and do something fun for yourself.
Men may have a weird way of showing their feelings, but when I'm separated from my partner/whatever and something interesting happens while I'm away, I let them know about it at the time and if I miss someone I call them. Maybe I'm not typical and most simply go away and never contact again til they get back.
The other thing is that he's going to be surrounded by friends and family. He's much less likely to miss her than she is him. You know how busy you get when you have limited visiting time and more plans than you have time.
So it's hard to say whether no contact means anything or not. I personally feel that while she shouldn't just contact him excessively, if she feels an urge she can show she's thinking about him by simply texting him "how are things going? Having fun?" Just because your spouse/XS doesn't show concern or missing by contact doesn't mean that you also have to be as uncaring. What message does it send them? "Well, they didn't contact me either so what's the big deal?" I guess even when DBing I feel I should act in the way that is still being true to myself. I don't like trying to win my XW back at the expense of being different than who I am. I want to be accepted for who I am.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I personally feel that while she shouldn't just contact him excessively, if she feels an urge she can show she's thinking about him by simply texting him "how are things going? Having fun?" Just because your spouse/XS doesn't show concern or missing by contact doesn't mean that you also have to be as uncaring. What message does it send them? "Well, they didn't contact me either so what's the big deal?" I guess even when DBing I feel I should act in the way that is still being true to myself. I don't like trying to win my XW back at the expense of being different than who I am. I want to be accepted for who I am.
I agree with you on this one. I guess I wasn't thinking. I have to admit when my H is away I contact him just to say hi or to see how he is doing. I don't want him to think I don't care about him. I know I have done quite a few 180's lately by not calling him all the time, but that doesn't mean I don't contact him once in awhile.
Quote: Men may have a weird way of showing their feelings, but when I'm separated from my partner/whatever and something interesting happens while I'm away, I let them know about it at the time and if I miss someone I call them. Maybe I'm not typical and most simply go away and never contact again til they get back.
Let me rephrase that...SOME men have a weird way of showing their feelings.
Quote: The other thing is that he's going to be surrounded by friends and family. He's much less likely to miss her than she is him. You know how busy you get when you have limited visiting time and more plans than you have time.
Even when I am busy doing things and surrounded by friends or having a good time I never stop thinking about my H. I am always wondering what he is up to or what he is thinking. He is on my mind constantly.
Quote: Even when I am busy doing things and surrounded by friends or having a good time I never stop thinking about my H. I am always wondering what he is up to or what he is thinking. He is on my mind constantly.
Me too. We should try to curb that "what they are thinking" part. Friends and family, especially if I haven't seen them in a while, does make it quite a bit better and makes it more likely that I won't call, although sometimes I still want my XW to know if something interesting occurred. But we aren't like our S/XS, unfortunately. I'm not sure we are really in their thoughts.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hope- I am sorry you are feeling so down. I wish there was something I or someone could say to cheer you up. Unfortunately, you need to cheer yourself up. Go (window) shopping, make something yummy and sinful to eat, watch favorite movies, go for a drive- anything. I know it's hard. But if you keep trying, you will eventually forget that you are so sad.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Quote: although sometimes I still want my XW to know if something interesting occurred
Me too. I have gotten so I call my H when something interesting occurs. He doesn't seem as distant when I do this now. It is really strange. He used to say he didn't want anything to do with me but is coming around more and even still goes to my sisters house (when most of the family is there) for a haircut. Strikes me as odd.
Quote: But we aren't like our S/XS, unfortunately. I'm not sure we are really in their thoughts.
We probably are more than they let on. They just don't want us to know we are.
Hope, I know how you feel, really, I'm right there too this week. My range of emotions so far has been sad and cry, angry never gonna call him all week, anxious on the edge of my seat waiting for the next second maybe he'll call now, and finally today - got a txt mssge, gee thanks. A couple things I am trying hard to remember is 1) he is visiting with the kids and it's their time together and 2) even if I was there with him I would be back burner and 2nd fiddle to him anyway, always has been that way when we visit his old stomping grounds. It's not fair that I should monopolize his time to talk to me while it's his vacation with them. So try and let him go and be happy for him. Send him a mssge that doesn't imply or ask anything, but says hi, hope you're having a good time, hope you're enjoying yourself,etc........
I'm struggling with the same things as you again this week, still sick and coughing/gagging, but I AM going to go have fun this weekend. Hope you can find some happy things too!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW - guess we're still on the same page of the game. His flight got in an hour ago and still nothing from him. No word from him when he had a layover eariler either. Guess I know where I stand now. I know he hasn't called because he's busy, but you would think he could have at some point taken five seconds to send a text saying "Landed fine" or something. Guess even that was too much to hope for.
Expectation from here on out will be none. At this point, I don't even expect him to come back. That way I won't be disappointed.
Quote: Expectation from here on out will be none. At this point, I don't even expect him to come back. That way I won't be disappointed.
Hope,
I figured it out and I think you did to.
Insert requisite disclaimer.
You have (unspoken) expectations, and when they are not met, you get upset, down, angry, etc. You expect him to call you, but don't ask him (you feel like you should not have to) and then we he does not, you get upset and react.
Or you do ask for something, a hug, a kiss, etc and then when he gives them, you are still upset, "I should not have to ask, or "it was a quick hug."
You critique and criticize every action or non-action or what he does or does not do. "He didn't come to bed, you would think he would want to spend some time with me." "He can't even take 5 seconds to call," I'll show him, by not calling.
You've made it a contest; I do this, so he should do this, why can't he do one thing? Where is he? Why is he ignoring me? Why do I have to do everything?
I know it is very simple for everyone to suggest what you should or need to do, but you really are making yourself sick and crazy, analyzing EVERY interaction or non-interaction.
Yes, it is very easy to take it personal, we are all guilty of this. I used to do this, "well she is not going to talk to me, I am not going to talk to her."
Not productive. I realize you cannot take the focus completely off him and the R, but think back to an earlier time, did you always analyze his behavior?
Somehow we all fall into the trap of analyzing and trying to predict others behavior and this is not always productive.
