Thanks for all the well wishes yesterday, I’m slowly starting to feel better.
Well he left around 5am this morning. Last night he had next to nothing to do with me. Here I was thinking since he’s going to be gone for five days maybe he’d at least spend a little bit of time with me. He was to busy talking to all his friends and family that he would be spending the next five days with. He did try to wake me up in the middle of the night for sex. I just couldn’t do it. It feels way to fake to have sex with him when he’s spending most of the past week ignoring me. Makes me feel strange.
Anyway. Spent most of yesterday alone and sleeping. When he went to leave this morning I told him that I would miss him and quickly added to have lots of fun on his trip. I didn’t want to leave space for him to not say something. His reply “Yeah, I will.” Sometimes I wish he would lie to me. Would it have killed him to say “I’ll miss you all too.”? Maybe it would. I don’t know.
So anyway. I’ve made a promise not to call him while he’s gone. Not even text messages, unless something very important happens. I can’t imagine anything will. I guess it’s my little way of hoping maybe he’ll miss me some. I’m not getting my hopes up any.
I did slip in a card for him. Happy and upbeat. Not getting my hopes up on it doing anything special either. I did have the girls make his mom birthday cards and I got her one too. Burned her a CD of pictures from the past year as a gift. I also wrote her a letter with updates on the girls and general life. Nothing mentioned about me and Josh. I’m sure he’ll fill her in on his version of it while he’s there.
So yes, I’m down today. And I don’t feel good. I don’t think I really want to feel happy right now. I guess all this is really bothering me and a little more of my heart has broken. Honestly I can’t see the light at the tunnel anymore. It’s been four months and while he’s nicer and we can co-exist, the space between us has done nothing but grown. I just don’t feel much hope for us anymore. Sorry for being so down today. It’s just hard.
