Nothing exciting here. I'm at home sick. Sinus infection. XH picked me up from work yesterday afternoon and even stopped my McDonald's to get me a coke and fries. He really can be a sweety when he wants to be.
I slept most of the afternoon. XH cooked dinner and got the girls to get their homework does. After dinner I sat in the living room with XH for a little bit, but feel back asleep. Woke up a bit later and dragged myself to bed. Woke up again around midnight and noticed XH hadn't come to bed.
Also noticed cats were not in their room. Got the cats put up and woke XH to see if he wanted to come to bed. He was in deep sleep so I just left him (Yep! That's a 180 for me, even if it's a little one.) He did end up in bed around 3am. Back to that sleeping on the edge of the bed thing again. I swear I'm temped at times to give him a little push. Bad, I know, but it would show him it's not good to sleep that close to the edge! But at some point he did cuddle some.
I had nightmares last night. XH gave me a big hug when I was telling him about them. Granted I had to ask for it but it was still nice. He's gone to the mountains for work today. It was really nice when he told me if I was feeling better he would have taken me with him.
When he left I got a hug and two kisses. Somedays are nice, some are bad, and some just confuse me. I was a little bummed that he didn't come to bed last night since it's the last night before he leaves. He also informed me last night that he'll be going back to California in March and again in May. March is for a camping trip bachelor party for his best friend. That one doesn't bother me. May is the wedding. All I can say is he better be taking me. But it's not like I can make him. We'll see.
Gonna go back to bed now. Hope everyone is having a good day. I'll try to catch up on every later.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Quote: He did end up in bed around 3am. Back to that sleeping on the edge of the bed thing again. I swear I'm temped at times to give him a little push. Bad, I know, but it would show him it's not good to sleep that close to the edge!
Thanks for all the well wishes yesterday, I’m slowly starting to feel better.
Well he left around 5am this morning. Last night he had next to nothing to do with me. Here I was thinking since he’s going to be gone for five days maybe he’d at least spend a little bit of time with me. He was to busy talking to all his friends and family that he would be spending the next five days with. He did try to wake me up in the middle of the night for sex. I just couldn’t do it. It feels way to fake to have sex with him when he’s spending most of the past week ignoring me. Makes me feel strange.
Anyway. Spent most of yesterday alone and sleeping. When he went to leave this morning I told him that I would miss him and quickly added to have lots of fun on his trip. I didn’t want to leave space for him to not say something. His reply “Yeah, I will.” Sometimes I wish he would lie to me. Would it have killed him to say “I’ll miss you all too.”? Maybe it would. I don’t know.
So anyway. I’ve made a promise not to call him while he’s gone. Not even text messages, unless something very important happens. I can’t imagine anything will. I guess it’s my little way of hoping maybe he’ll miss me some. I’m not getting my hopes up any.
I did slip in a card for him. Happy and upbeat. Not getting my hopes up on it doing anything special either. I did have the girls make his mom birthday cards and I got her one too. Burned her a CD of pictures from the past year as a gift. I also wrote her a letter with updates on the girls and general life. Nothing mentioned about me and Josh. I’m sure he’ll fill her in on his version of it while he’s there.
So yes, I’m down today. And I don’t feel good. I don’t think I really want to feel happy right now. I guess all this is really bothering me and a little more of my heart has broken. Honestly I can’t see the light at the tunnel anymore. It’s been four months and while he’s nicer and we can co-exist, the space between us has done nothing but grown. I just don’t feel much hope for us anymore. Sorry for being so down today. It’s just hard.
