Hi guys

Thanks for asking Kismet. Yeah we met. It was awful.

He wanted to tell me that he and the op are moving to the coast (about 10 hours away) in October. His company recently changed hands and his salary took him out of the ball park for what the new management wanted to maintain on their books, so he came to an agreement that he’d stay there for 6 months and then resign. He’ll be closer to his daughter who’s just had a little girl, and in his words “I’m going because I want to go and op wants to come with me so she can if she wants”.

For the first time since this whole thing started I asked him about her. I said “so how’s life with op, you guys desperately in love?” (yeah, I know I know … but what do I have to lose now?) He said no, not desperately in love, but it’s good, they’ve known each other for 30 years and they’re “good friends”. It’s easy for him - is what he meant.

He talked about how this is all my fault. I left. I “forced him into getting married”, “he should never have married me” – he’s never said those things before, so it was kind of like a mini ‘bomb’.

I told him I was jealous that he was moving with op and that he preferred to be with her than me (another first - I’ve been a very disciplined DBer). He didn’t answer that.

I cried. So cross with myself. I cried in front of him. I said “well we better get divorced.” He agreed. I told him to do the paperwork and I’d sign whatever I had to. I left. Cried and cried – it was like at the beginning. That sort of crying that leaves your body weak and your eyes puffy for days. RFD17 kept up supplies of cups of tea and chocolate biscuits - god love her ... she said she'd never seen me look so "haggard" (she's a very honest girl when it comes to how someone looks )

In some ways I think I’ve been in denial all this time. It’s not like I want him back, if he came to my door today and said he wanted to get back together I’d laugh in his face – but I’d like him to want to.

Sooo, I’m recovering – again – time to face the music, pay the piper, onward and upwards.

My new kitchen is going into my house today, I’m off to a v. nice restaurant for a business dinner and b for boyfriend is heartily disappointed because he likes to “stay over” on Wednesday nights!! I guess life’s not too bad.

I haven’t done a lot of introspection about the whole thing. Last night after 4 or 5 glasses of wine I started writing a letter to him with everything I’d like to say that I’ve held my tongue about all last year – defend myself, tell him it’s not all my fault – but in the cold light of day when I read what I’d written I realised that even by telling him I’m thinking those things I would give him power over me that he doesn’t deserve.

I know it isn’t all my fault, I was there, I contributed, but so did he …it’s really unfair to blame me now – after all this time – horribly unfair.

I filled out the divorce papers myself today, I’ve had them signed and notarised and I’ll put them with his mail for him to collect this week.

I’m taking charge of my destiny.

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.