I hadn't heard from H for a couple of weeks after I moved into the new house. He came to get his mail while I was at work and RFD17 was home, and came looking for his passport when the cleaner was here, rather than when I was (she's a trooper - she's been with us for about 8 years and put herself firmly on "my side" when H and I split so she stoically denied him access to my bedroom and told him she'd look for the passport there and if she could find it she would deliver it too him - wish I could have seen the exchange!!!).
I have been employing the principles of the most ardent DBer. Despite my annoyance that he had failed on some of the responsibilities he had committed to with RFD17 and despite missing several reasonably important commitments that he'd undertaken to take responsibility for - I didn't call him, seek him out or comment to anyone on his irresponsibility. I dealt with what had to be done and soldiered on.
Well, yesterday he called. Deeply apologetic for at first one of the things he'd missed,that I had to step up for and then, after my calm reassurance, for everything that he's been avoiding. I was calm and he could hear the smile in my voice and the peace in my demeanor - and the calmer and more peaceful I was the more he apologised and promised more and more extravagent contributions to RFD17 and some of our joint financial responsibilities. It was quite funny.
We chatted for a while. His daughter had a baby a couple of weeks ago and he wanted to fill me in on all of that. I told him some anecdotes about the dogs "holiday" at the pound (when he escaped through a lose fence paling and was picked up by 'Dog control' recently).
Turns out he had really called for no reason. Just to let me know he hadn't forgotten me I think.
The convo ended on such a nice level that I was tempted to call him again and tell him I'd enjoyed speaking to him - but I didn't. I'm learning. I left it with a nice ring in the air.
Then this morning he came to the door. Knock, knock - hi, I'm here to get my mail and stuff. I got it for him. He was dressed for bowls and on his way to a New South Wales club to play a championships round. We chatted. He left.
Thing is, it doesn't matter wether I want him out of my life, or not - he's in it and I have to figure out a way to deal adequately with that, if I live with him or not.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thing is, it doesn't matter wether I want him out of my life, or not - he's in it and I have to figure out a way to deal adequately with that, if I live with him or not.
I never even considered that this might be a possiblility in the future. I may have to think on this for a bit.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
WB, what is it with H still having his mail at your new house? Aren't you tempted to comment on it? You must be detached as that would just annoy me, even though I think it shouldn't.
Love your housekeeper
V what is the story with younger man? Is he still in the picture? Sorry, if I am intruding, but never backward in coming forward.
Mmm... younger man. B for boyfriend is still as delightful as ever. He is considerate, passionate, loyal and there is no doubt that I am absolutely going to break his heart.
I shouldn't have let it go on this long, but it's just been so easy and I justify to myself that I would have broken his heart just as much breaking up with him last year as I will breaking it this year.
I've always been very honest with him about my intentions, and I've made no unrealistic promises, but I can always tell he is positive that if he just keeps being his charming self I might change my mind and leap to the alter with him.
He's got a lot of growing to do. There just isn't that chemistry between him and I that you get between long term partners.
I don't feel real good about it, but there it is.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Hi walkingback I havent been here before, but I had a quick quick read,
Quote: I've always been very honest with him about my intentions, and I've made no unrealistic promises, but I can always tell he is positive that if he just keeps being his charming self I might change my mind and leap to the alter with him.
He's got a lot of growing to do. There just isn't that chemistry between him and I that you get between long term partners.
he will cope with breaking up, we all do , you just feel bad because you will be the one to do it. but he sounds understanding and it may all be fine
and I agree with kismet - enjoy it for what it is now
Nothing new to report on my sitch. I haven’t seen much of H – and despite his promises to help me with RFD17, no action there either.
He comes over Saturday mornings now – to pick up his mail apparently – funnily enough, for a couple of years before we broke up he used to go to OWs every Saturday morning to see how she was getting on or help her with something around the house. Of course I never got it !! lol I thought he really did want to help a poor widow with the pump on the fish tank.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the period of mourning and grief I’ve been through over the past year or so and am so relieved to be coming to the end of it. I look back and remember how sad I was and am so relieved to be able to be happy again – but I wonder – do WAS grieve?
Has he gone through a period of mourning for me, for our marriage – or is it all beer and skittles for him?
Just wondering. I mean our loss is surely in some way their loss as well? What do you’all think?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the period of mourning and grief I’ve been through over the past year or so and am so relieved to be coming to the end of it. I look back and remember how sad I was and am so relieved to be able to be happy again
Well WB, again we're on about the same page. I wish I could say I was coming to an end of the grief - I'm not quite there yet. But I'm certainly in far better shape than I was in for a very long time. Nine months since the bomb, 8 months since our separation and I can finally see light at the end of a long tunnel.
I wonder – do WAS grieve? Has he gone through a period of mourning for me, for our marriage
I have wondered this myself. I know that several months ago, when my H mistook my gal for getting over "it" and told me I was lucky - he suffered in pain for over a year and I only hurt for a couple months. So I think he went through the grief of losing us before he left, although he never let on that he was unhappy. I have no real idea what the WAS goes through. My H never expressed regret or remorse to me, but when I saw his email history I learned, as he explained to ow, how much guilt and sorrow he had over leaving his family. He told her he was hurting but that it was feelings to be expected and that they would fade over time. Have they? Does he still live with feelings of guilt and sorrow? I do believe that his new relationship brought with it good feelings that caused the bad ones to be buried. But I don't think they have gone away because they were never dealt with and so must be festering somewhere deep within waiting to resurface. I can't imagine what form they will surface in, but I believe they will bubble up at some point.
I can't help but conclude that I'd rather be me than him. In spite of the hell I've gone through while he has been riding the high of a new romance. I have had to face this head on and have done soul searching and made life altering improvements and changes for myself. He has run from pain and problems and threw himself into a situation where he is safe from self reflection and pain. I have grown. He is still clueless as to what happened to us and how we could have worked through it. I have had to recognize my role in our demise and have learned from it. He still carries within himself unrealistic expectations, and all the problems that brought us to this point. He may be doomed to repeat this until he learns what true unconditional love is and what commitment really means.
And so WB, although I have my opinion, I certainly cannot answer your question. I wish someone could. It would be very interesting to know what they do think and feel while we're left behind in the wreckage. Like most of this experience, we can only speculate - which in the end is meaningless.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the period of mourning and grief I’ve been through over the past year or so and am so relieved to be coming to the end of it. I look back and remember how sad I was and am so relieved to be able to be happy again – but I wonder – do WAS grieve?
Hmmm ~ I do think they do to a degree. Relating this back to my case (as you do), I think mine probably has some regrets. I also think at this time he is hiding most of his feelings, as I still get to see the walking shell most of the time.
I really think it is easy to try and kid himself that he has moved on with new woman/child, set of friends, but I do think in the quiet time when he is alone with his thoughts, that some regret/mourning may creep in. How knows, this is not a rational man.
I am glad that you are at the tail end of the grieving process. It is a much nicer place to be, although I do miss the energy the grief gave me. I tend to be more laid back when I am happier
I just had an opportunity to read your entire sitch. You are strong person. I give you alot of credit. The patience and understanding you have displayed during your ordeal is amazing. I hope to have even half of your resolve and determination during my process.
As far as your WAS grieving during this process, I would have to say definately. Although I would not expect him to ever admit to it. Keep the faith and take care of yourself.
