Walking towards my future

[Walking]

Hi everyone. I got off the roller coaster for a couple of weeks. It seems the violent crescendo lead to, what I think was a well deserved, intermission.
Walkingback? No 1

I’ve made some decisions about my life after Mr ‘Err, no thanks’ gave me the kick in the butt that I needed to take stock and figure out what it is that moving on really means for me.

The first thing I figured is that I don’t want to be with a bloke who doesn’t want to be with me. I understand he’s confused, hurt, angry and grieving our marriage to the same, if not worse extent that I am – and I realised he needs to go through that and a part of that process is being angry with me. I’m glad I finally got that. He’s spitting angry. He’s keeping it well contained and he covers it with a convivial air of light heartedness whenever we meet – but he’s furious.

OK – I can deal with that.

On the day he said ‘err, no thanks’ I finally called a solicitor (which I’ve been meaning to do for about a year) to figure out what process I needed to follow to finalise a financial settlement. I met with the family lawyer a couple of days later and he went through the options with me – from mediation right through to court. I realised pretty quickly I didn’t want an adversarial process so agreed with him that I’d talk to H and we’d agree on a way forward (hopefully mediation) and I’d get back to him.

I met with H last night and told him what I’d found out and he just said “Virg what do you want” – I said half the proceeds from the sale of the house, the money I contributed to the joint superannuation fund, the aboriginal art and chinese furniture and no liability for the mortgage on your mother’s apartment. He just said – OK – get the solicitor to write up the agreement and we’ll sign it. We then had a couple of beers and an hour of fun and lively conversation.

What an anti-climax. My solicitor will be very disappointed at all those mediation fees he’s going to miss out on. The contracts exchange on our house this week, so when that happens I’m going to be in a strong position to buy my own house (v. exciting).

In parallel to this progress I made the decision that I can’t keep complaining about my job without doing something about it. I’ve been in this job now for long enough to know it is not my cup of tea and I need a different position. So I started looking for one.

Before I’d written an application I got a call from a recruitment company who had been asked to contact me by one of the Research and Development organisations in town who were looking to recruit a Senior Research Manager and they’d been referred to me. It’s an ace job, fantastic $$ and good career progression – but frankly more of the same. I said no thanks, but it gave me the confidence that I needed to apply for some other, more diverse roles.

I’ve got an interview in Brisbane on Monday for an amazing job that would see me based in far nth Queensland for 2 or 3 years (watch out Kismet).

Failing that, I’m applying for a job in another department which is completely different subject matter than I’ve been working on for the past 10 years – and blimey charlie I’ve realised I do need a change. I’m going to keep applying for positions that I know I’d love until I find one that will have me.

I also got confirmation in the post yesterday that I’ll graduate as a Master in Public Administration at the Australian National University on December 15.

So all in all, I’ve decided to quit focussing on what I don’t have (my marriage) and make the most out of all the things I do have (which is plenty) and I’m going to move forward and trust that God and the Universe have a plan for me that is being played out exactly as it’s meant to be.

[kismet]

Welcome back Walking Back! I am glad to see that you are moving forward. Did you read Yasmin's spiel on the lunar eclipse

This is a rare opportunity for you to make a massive change in your life, to turn something around, to surprise others and yourself

So you are certainly doing that. Good on you for dusting yourself off and getting back up again. .

If it is meant to be with your H it will be, but it doesn't seem as if he knows what he wants right now.

Woo hoo, career changes. Sounds exciting. Good luck with the job interview. By FNQ do you mean Cairns? Hope it goes well.

Virginia, I have to hand it to you. You seem to be doing so well. I hope everything falls into place and this is the start of a new chapter in your life

[Chrissy]

WB,

I guess when you fall down you don't just stand back up you leap. I LOVED THIS POST. I love the perspective and attitude and the goals you have set for yourself.

Good luck in it all

[Burgbud]

Hey WB!

Got time for a little update? If not, I hope it's because you're doing kicking GAL butt.

[Walking]

Oh BB – I’m a sucker for a little bit of pursuit!!!

Life is OK. Well, actually it’s pretty good. The process of exchanging contracts on the house and finalising the financial settlement have sent me into a downward spin which has left me winded a few times during the past weeks and now that I’ve kind of made a decision there is little hope for reconciliation I think I’m going through a new grieving process.

I’ve been living on false hope for several months and when I put that hope aside and got realistic about what the outcome for me is likely to be I kind of had a mini-relapse into the darkness. There is however light at the end of this here tunnel …

Despite me resolving to move on with my life, everything is moving as slowly as it has been for several months. H suggested we have a drink last week and sign the contracts for the house and settlement, but then I didn’t hear from him until I got an e-mail on Wednesday night saying he’d dropped the contracts at home and I should sign them – he’d pick them up Thursday. I was travelling for work on Thursday/Friday (which he was aware of) so signed and left them there for him, but they were still sitting where I left them when I got home on Saturday morning.

I believe he’s “not allowed” to see me and I ASSume op put her foot down about us meeting again last week to share time together while we were doing the paperwork to dissolve our marriage. He’d never tell me that though (classic commitment phobe – can’t say yes, can’t say no)… I wonder if he’s picked them up today?

We’ve had a bit more contact than usual over the weekend and today because the refugee family (long suffering readers and commentators will recall refugee mother and refugee foster daughters 13 and 16) have had a serious crisis – well more serious than their usual crisis - and refugee foster daughter (RFD16) has been removed from the home and is staying with me.

As usual H has been superb in his response to the crisis (I think he likes crisis) and has done more than his fair share of helping out – to the extent that he and the “lovely” op are taking the girls to the mountains at the weekend to give everyone a bit of a break from the drama.

So – what’s happening to my PMA and GAL? I had a job interview for the position in Far North Qld (yes, Cairns Kismet!!) and I think I blew the interview, but there will be some politics involved in making the decision, so I haven’t given up hope of that opportunity coming together. I’ll know if I get the job within the next 2 weeks. I’m also looking around for other jobs I might like better than the one I currently do if it doesn’t work out.

I’m seriously house hunting and I’m getting excited about the prospect of putting my touches on a home again. Spending fun time with girlfriends and my sisters; the occasional date with B for boyfriend and devouring more fiction than I have since I commuted to work in Sydney 2 hours a day on the bus.

I’m sorry I’ve neglected you’all for a few weeks, I’ve been licking my wounds, but I’m back up and at em and I’m thinking of you all.

V

[kismet]

Hey WB ~ you went dark on us! Sorry to hear that you've been feeling a bit down. Very understandable, you have gone through a lot. Still are ~ with the situation with RFD.
Despite me resolving to move on with my life, everything is moving as slowly as it has been for several months

Virginia ~ your life is anything but slow. I just read what you have been doing and believe me you too deserve a Wonder Woman cape. I got tired just thinking of the 2 hour commute! Come to Cairns ~ where you'll think you are going out of your way if it is 30 mins

I hope everything falls into place, and you start to get what you deserve. Hope you do get the job ~ but if you don't it's because there is a better one out there for you.

Welcome back

[Walking]

I fear I may have really screwed up.

H and op took the refugee girls away tonight for the weekend to give the girls mum and me a break. I was relieved that I was getting a break and grateful that H is so on board and understood that it was important to get the girls out of town etc ... but I felt the freedom rather too much.

I slept with B for boyfriend. It's been a year since I was intimate with anyone. What have I done?

He's upstairs sleeping and I'm down here posting.

What have I done????

[Burgbud]

Hey WB!

You haven't done anything terrible. Breathe in, breathe out. You sound a little scared and overwhelmed. But you're all adults, you'll all be okay.

If you think about it some more and realize this wasn't something you wanted to do, figure out why you did it and how you'll avoid doing it next time. If it is something you wanted to do, then relax and figure out what you want to do next.

You're okay. You've been through a lot. This doesn't have to be a big deal unless you want it to be. Cut yourself a little slack and be who you want to be from this point on. Because you're great, and there's only one person who sort of doesn't see that. You'll work through this just fine. Just release your anxiety a little bit!

[kismet]

Hi Virginia, I have to echo BB's sentiments. You have always been honest with B about the situation and he's a big boy.

All of your emotions are going to come to the surface when something like this happens.

I imagine in a way it is like closing a door with WAH but you know if it is meant to be with him, it will be no matter what. In the meantime you have to live your life for you.

I know you will make the decision that is right for you. In the meantime, just relax and go with the flow.

((((WB)))

[Walking]

Thanks for calming me guys. Have to admit I was a bit beside myself last night.

Before I analyse what this means for me on the moving on with my life, cutting the emotional bonds with my husband, answering my step sons as to why a man stayed over last night, figuring out what it means for me and B, can I just say ...

Husband 50. Boyfriend 30. It's tragic what that 20 years do to a man .....

V