Hey Jabez, hope you had a fun and productive evening last night at your alumni meeting. Glad you are coming out of your shell a little, your attitude sounds great.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Yes, the alumni meeting was productive. I made one good contact and got some info on a virtual online professional community, sounds familiar doesn't it? I was hoping to see some folks that I knew and maybe expand my social circle as well, but alas not. Oh well.
I'm not sure how to approach the family conciliator meeting w/WAW. I want to make sure that she knows that it is her decision for this to happen, but at the same time, I don't want to "rub her nose in it". Would a statement like "I know you love the girls, this must be difficult for you." express this in an affirming way? I don't want to sound condescending or arrogant. What do you think?
The conciliator meeting scheduled for today b/c of custody suit filed by WAW was canceled b/c the attorney that I've retained was in court on a different matter.
On Thu, D15 will be having a minor out patient procedure done. Both WAW & I have taken off work to be there. This will give me a golden opportunity to spend some time w/WAW. I intend on making conversation and keeping it light and friendly. Nothing about R or D or custody. Stuff about pets, DD's, maybe some work convo. Should I innocently include in the convo things about me that are different? Is it OK to ask questions of WAW? There were layoffs where she works, can ask "How is morale?" or "How was your workload affected?" Any other questions to ask WAW to show that I am interested in her, but not pursuing her?
Looking for some sage input as to other things to talk about. I plan on acting upbeat and happy, tho concerned about D's procedure, which, really is how I feel.
I think you're on the right track. I can't tell you what specifically to ask her about, that probably needs to just fit into the flow of the conversation. You may sound more upbeat and relaxed if you don't have a script (which I realize you're not asking for). I really hope you get what you need from this encounter and also that maybe others that will have some more specific advice for you.
Just talk to her like you would any other friends, outside of matters pertaining to D15. Work in your changes if they're something you'd bring up to somebody else in the normal flow of conversation. So if it's something like, "Hey, I've been catching a lot of live music lately. LocalBandX is really good, I've been to three of their shows. They're right up your alley; you might wanna check them out if you get a chance", then you're probably good. If it's more like, "I cleaned the bathrooms yesterday, boy that was a lot of work!" then, you know, probably not.
Good luck!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Ok, so here I stand and yet another cross roads of feelings on this journey.
On Wed PM WAW & I had to go to a meeting at school for D13 to prepare to pick out HS classes next year. The teacher speaking says that she has been teaching for 38 years. WAW says under her breath Well it's time to move on then. She could have been the world's best teacher, who knows?
On Thu D15 had minor out-patient surgery. WAW and I sat in the waiting room for 40 minutes. She did sudoku puzzles, I read. She made one comment, about someone asking if D15 could come to a meeting on Thu PM, then stating "He's an idiot!" There was no way that D15 could go, but it was just the idiot tag line that rang in my ears. When WAW dropped of DD's at night I gave her a copy of a paper outlining a 2nd meeting for D13's school and she said, "Another meeting, we were just at one last night!"
I may have written that at the NY eve party that I was at someone told me that WAW was a pessimist and that I was an optimist. This is true. I'm trying to remember if it was always like this or if this is something recent. Can or will this change? Can I have an influence on this some how?
I just don't know if I'm willing to have her negativity e a part of my life other that dealing w/DD's.
Let me tell you my "parking lot story". I'm driving with the family thru a big, strip mall parking lot, a little over a year ago. I'm on the main road thru the lot and of course, some joker comes thru the parking aisle and cuts me off a little. Not bad, not life threatening, just a little discourteous. I shrug it off and go on about my business.
But FXW is entirely agitated. What a jerk that guy was! Doesn't he know how to drive? Doesn't he have any consideration for anybody else? I should have honked at him? Why didn't I honk at him? He's just going to keep being like that unless people let him know how out of line he is!
So I got cut off a little bit, was calm about it, and got yelled at for it. That's FXW in a nutshell.
Then the bomb hit. She'd been much happier for two weeks before that. Less critical. It didn't take long to figure out that Om was making her happy. She was happy to see her new life in front of her. She was able to tolerate life's little frustrations a lot better. This was the person I wanted to be married to!
Now it's seven months later and guess what? The shine is off her new, positive self. She's not as negative as she used to be, thank gawd, but she's much like your W is in your post. Everybody's f*%king stupid. Everybody's incompetent. I get yelled at for not "chastising" people she feels deserve it.
When I think about not having that negativity in my life, it feels really good. When I think about having a future woman in my life who's positive, it feels unbelievably good. Almost like I don't deserve it. Like it's my responsibility to be the one who deals with FXW's down side and takes the brunt of it, because I'm learning to handle it.
Nobody else I talk to, though, seems to think I owe her that.
So I guess my point is, keep giving some thought to how your life would be without her negativity in it. Give some thought to what your life might be like with a positive woman in it some day. If W is still the woman for you then I hope you succeed in getting her back. If not, then I don't think you owe it to her. She can rest in the bed she makes without being saved from it, just like all the rest of us grownups.
Good luck!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
When I think about not having that negativity in my life, it feels really good. When I think about having a future woman in my life who's positive, it feels unbelievably good. Almost like I don't deserve it. Like it's my responsibility to be the one who deals with FXW's down side and takes the brunt of it, because I'm learning to handle it.
Wow...now THAT hit home with me...living with a depressed person who is also an A...it can really take it's toll...the person who used to be fun, loving and carefree is now covering up their loved one's depression, alcoholism...etc..
I can't tell you the number of times I sat up waiting for him to come home...crying myself to sleep. Having to wake up to let him in the house because he'd gotten so obliterated that he couldn't remember the alarm code (lived with me for 5yrs!!). Wondering, worrying had he gotten another DUI...all those stresses are gone. Back to the fun, loving, carefree person that I used to be...it truly wasn't a healthy way to live. Always walking on egg shells, was he going to be happy today...was he going to spend the day in bed. Not being able to focus on daughter, myself, my business all because I focused too much on trying to keep him going.
Nah, can't go back and revisit that...I've already had a taste of what could be with someone who is mentally healthy...there is a whole world out there waiting for us all...one filled with loving people, who will love us for who we are.
I was hoping to see some folks that I knew and maybe expand my social circle as well, but alas not. Oh well.