be careful that you don't do something that is overly anti-DB'ing.
Don't seek or call her, but be ready to lead when she does. Set up and keep your boundaries for yourself and DD. Don't escalate, just say this is how it is. end of story.
WAW not take the initiative for any baby steps forward. I've noticed that if I do nothing and wait for her to come to me, then eventually she does. I have to go back and think about this, but from my perspective, WAW dictates how it's going to be. The part I need to think about is, did she do this when I led, or when she led?
We are still in negotiations about the DD's schedule during Christmas week. The main sticking point is that she wants DD's on Tue up until 5PM and I want them all day b/c my brother and his family are in town from VA. D15 & D13 like to get together w/my brother's D14. DD's will be w/WAW and her entire family (Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins) on Monday for the entire day. I see no reason that this cannot be reciprocated on Tuesday. I am pushing for this. The rest of the week we can split up equally and I'm fine w/that. In fact that is only what is fair to DD's.
Got an email today from WAW "What are we going to do???" [about DD's and the Christmas schedule] Dont seek or call her, but be ready to lead when she does. So I'm going to send back an email laying out a plan including parts that we already agreed on and including me having DD's on Tue.
PA D laws are different then CA apparently. here only one person has to file and make paperwork happen, 6 months later your free. In PA, WAW can request a court date two years after she moved out (Oct 2006). After that I'm not sure what happens, but I know it takes another year.
but from my perspective, WAW dictates how it's going to be
Sorry, I wasn't clear. In the recent past, WAW would email me and start the thread by stating something like I talked to DD's and we agreed to do this . . .. I've replied stating that before WAW talks w/DD's, WAW & I need to talk to agree before DD's are involved. I didn't mean to imply that I was the doormat and she was rolling over me, although that did happen back in the summer of 2004. My perspective now is WAW makes a request, I evaluate it in reference to my needs, wants and boundaries and then reply with no inflammatory or incendiary language or requests, just calmly, straight forwardly, stating my agreement or counter proposal.
Get some female friends. IRL
All of the females that I know that are my age are married. It's not my nature to just strike up a conversation w/a woman whom I don't know . . . but . . . This past weekend I was playing in our church choir and just to break out of my shell, I talked to a female musician who didn't know anyone there. I had no intention of this going any further than small talk to pass the time at the rehearsal and so I felt "safe" in doing it. Baby steps here as well. Was it Meet Joe Black that you recommended?
Hi Jabez, thanks for wishing me a merry x-mas on my thread, that was so thoughtful. My thread is locked apparently and I will start a new one later, but I wanted to catch up on my friends' threads first.
So.....what ended up happening with the X-mas schedule for the girls? I hope you had a nice holiday despite the disagreement.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
So.....what ended up happening with the X-mas schedule for the girls?
Hey Heather, I hope you had a merry Christmas.
DD's were with me on Christmas eve. We went to my parents for dinner and to open gifts. Later we went to church and then home.
The 3 of us opened gifts on Christmas morning and then went to church. WAW picked up DD's after church and took them to the apt. I picked up DD's @3 to take them back to my parents for Christmas dinner. I took them back to apt at 7:30 so WAW could take them to her parents'. Ironically, my parents gave me new ping-pong paddles for Christmas.
The mood of WAW as changed since the attorney that I retained filed a motion that the suit be dismissed b/c WAW & I signed a "Separation Agreement" that she downloaded from the 'Net b4 she moved out. The agreement says that b4 we go to court about anything, we have to go to mediation. WAW's attorney answered saying that WAW should not be held accountable to this b/c she did it w/o legal review. HA HA HA! This is the document that she wanted and the only reason I signed it was b/c it was the only way I was sure that I was going to get support $.
WAW has sent me a few emails saying: If we come to an agreement then we won't have to go to court. Going to court is going to be expensive. etc. etc. etc.
I think that she is starting to wake up and smell the coffee. Everything is not going to go the way she wants and everything is not going to happen in the time frame that she wants.
I think that I am beginning to find the right distance from being the whimpering door mat where I just might be able to turn this thing around.
B4 Christmas D13 hugged me and said "I want you to be happy this Christmas Dad. I know it will be hard, but I want you to be happy." I hugged her tight and said, "I'll be happy just having you here and being happy." D15 who is not normally all lovey-dovey has begun to hug me more often since this custody nonsense started.
The holiday week went well save for Christmas day. DD's spent the morning w/me, early afternoon w/WAW, late after noon w/me & evening w/WAW. A lot of bouncing back and forth, but we survived.
The custody saga continues, but with a twist. WAW filed a custody action against me so that instead of bringing DD's home at 9PM on Tue & Thu, they stay at the apt w/her. Before WAW moved out we signed a "Separation Agreement" that she downloaded from somewhere on the 'Net. In it was a paragraph saying that we would not go to court until we tried mediation. My L filed a motion to deny the suit until we go to mediation. Her L filed a motion acknowledging the agreement, but saying that WAW signed it w/o legal counsel.
Since the time that my L filed the motion, WAW has made a 90-degree turn. She is no longer rude toward me. She tone is much more conciliatory. As a result of her suit, the 4 of us are scheduled to appear before the family conciliator. WAW doesn't want DD's to have to go to court. She's said that a few times in emails and I have agreed and left it at that. Last night I agreed and wrote, "Please tell your L to cancel the meeting."
On NY day D13 got a bug and threw up. WAW called @ 6PM to see how she was. She called back at 10 to talk to me to see how D13 was. It was a much less tense phone call than calls in the recent past.
There was some slight back tracking by WAW as she was snippy b/c she found a paper from D13 from school that I didn't tell her about. Truthfully, D13 hung in on the fridge, didn't say anything to me and I didn't know anything about it. I made a copy of the paper for WAW when she comes on Thu.
I know that some of you disagree w/this, but I continue to have communication w/OM's Mom. I sent her an e-Christmas card w/just a happy holidays type message. She replied saying "our R w/OM is very fragile right now. There may be a confrontation after the holidays." I just accepted this as information and did nothing about it. It will be interesting to see if 1) the confrontation occurs, 2) if I can tell that it occurred from WAW's behavior and 3) if OM's mom tells me it occurred.
I got a new book for Christmas, "The Art of War". It's a translation of material written in the 5th century B.C. by Sun Tsu. I'm reading it for something going on for work, but it will be an interesting read in light of the current sitch. No, I'm not at war w/WAW . . . I still love her . . . I just can't tell her that . . . or show her in the usual conventional ways.
Two interesting things happened @ a NY eve party I was at. DD's & I went to a party hosted by the parents of one of DD's friends. I know them and have been to their home before. Sometime around 1AM, the hostess of the party, after having too much champagne, told me that WAW has moved on and is not coming back. She told me that I am a "glass-half-full" type of guy and WAW is a "glass-half-empty" type of person. I asked why she thought these things and she said it was "women's intuition". I saw this as an opportunity to not get sucked into a convo with a drunk woman who had no idea as to what she was talking about. Later, somehow I got to talking with another guy's date and she challenged me to chug a glass of champagne with her. I was totally taken off guard by this, but went along anyway. I'm really not used to women initiating conversations with me. It all seemed so weird.
This Friday night I'm going to a college alumni celebration. It is both a professional and social networking event. Again, this is so unlike me to go to something like this, but I'm going. I've go nothing to lose.
I like the confident and outgoing Jabez. WAW has taken notice too. You've caused her to maneuver off of her usual negative stance. Her "conciliatory" tone may be just an attempt to get what she wants, or it might be b/c she likes what she sees. Either way you are making her react in a different way which I would say is progress.
I know that some of you disagree w/this, but I continue to have communication w/OM's Mom.
Sorry if I've missed this in the past, but is WAW aware of this? If she is it does sound very dangerous.
"The Art of War"
I've always wanted to read Sun Tsu's book but have never gotten around to it. There's something every day that it can be applied to.
Sorry if I've missed this in the past, but is WAW aware of this? If she is it does sound very dangerous.
OM's mom told him that she met met w/me once after she figured out who his GF was (he's D'd), so I'm sure that WAW knows about that but the communication b/w OM's mom and I has been clandestine since then. We both play our cards close the vest and are careful not to act on info we share.
I've been writing about the custody struggle in my sitch and we are approaching yet another milestone on this journey. There is a "Family Conciliator" meeting scheduled for all 4 of us. I've said nothing to DD's about this and I'm guessing that WAW has not either b/c I would have noticed it in D13. Earlier this week I wrote to WAW and requested that she cancel the meeting. I haven't received a reply. So your thoughts and prayers over the weekend are appreciated.
One of my goals has to do with my career. I'd like to get a new job, closer to home. I'm going to a alumni meeting tonight. It's billed as a "professional and social networking event". Pretty much just what I'm looking for. I just need to crawl out of my shell and be confident. I can and will do it! Tomorrow morning I am having breakfast with a director from a company very near my home. I'm very excited about this opportunity.
