Do something crazy tonight since the DD's won't be around. I mean it. Let your hair down. I want to hear about it tomorrow (or whenever you get out of jail).
Happy Birthday Jabez! That makes you how many years young? I hope you have a great day. I love birthdays, I always think of them as a celebration of yourself, of all you are and who you've become. In which case, you have so much to celebrate and I hope you have some special friends to share yourself with tonight!!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Oh that is sooo funny...I didn't sleep last night too much on my mind and I was thinking the exact same thing...WOW I am 42...what am I going to do with the rest of my life!!
Sounds like you had a wonderful day my friend!! How wonderful of your daughters to make the card!!
I have a few ideas for myself, but who knows if they will come thru?
1) Be the best Dad I can be for DD's and get them off to college emotionally balanced and prepared for it.
2) Take care of me so that I can take care of DD's
3) Continue to DB w/WAW. If she decides that she wants me and to be us again, great, otherwise, I can look myself in the mirror and know that I used this time to be a better me and who knows where that will lead.
4) Get my career back on track. It's been on the back burner for the past 3 1/2 years. I feel stalled and don't like what I am doing.
That's quite a mouthful to chew on. But I'll take it one bite at a time!
wanted to acknowledge your post on my thread, thanks for locking it up. Seriously, some of my post D day posts in there made me shudder in review. Not fighting for my R and doing what could be done was freaking hard.
Lets talk about you.
All your goals that you have listed are excellent IMO for appearing attractive to anyone. Get that career on track and take the confidance you get from that and let it spill over into your R with her. This is something that you do internally, not externally by talking to her about it. Women like to observe stability, but dont like it when guys talk obsessively about there work and come of like they are trying to bid for the womans affection. It creeps them out. Comprende?
You asked about what to do with a particular convo though...
Separated: 15 months WAW filed for D 9 months ago
she is purposely rude to me so I don't think she is coming back.
ok first thing, stop allowing her to be rude. Litterally/verbally STOP her. Some ideas 'I really dont know who you are when you act this way towards me. I am putting up with enough allready, do NOT act/say/behave this way towards me.'
Said with absolute neutral voice. No anger no supplicating. It will remind her of how you used to see each other, how much care there used to be, and that she is in fact being a B!tch. Be prepared for positive reaction. It is suprising.
If she does it again, which she will if you have been a doormat for a long time say/interrupt her with something like "I thought I said stop that" or "Didnt I say knock that off?"
You have to get in the mindset that you have nothing to lose, she is emotionaly abusing you in the most heinous way possible and she is DAMN lucky you are giving her this chance to straighten out. Speak to her neutrally when you talk about the A always, point out her ridiculous actions and behaviors. Look for opportunities to tell her to take responsibility, and to stop acting like a victim.
Never get embroiled into a convo about your R. These convos only take place when, where, how you want them too, Which will be when you are mentally, emotionally prepared for them, and at your say so. If she trys say "I told you-- not discussing 'us' untill there is only 'us'". Ignore her negative response.
This is not a time to worry about fair, equality, treat her as you want to be treated, kindness, consideration. They will be taken as supplicating and placating. How reasonable is being overly kind and considerate in this sitch in reality?
Its also not a time to be angry, whiney (love busters). Its time to be strong, and earn--even sometimes--- demand (gasp!) respect.
Do you want to reconcile? Why is the D not finalized yet? what are her actions, not her words? What are you doing for female company in this desert time? Are you dating/ hanging out with friends? Why not?
IF you want to reconcile you are going to have to initiate then. A simple test is call her say 'lets meet for lunch.' When she says why? or no. say 'comon it will be fine. nothing weird, just friendly convo.' How often does she initiate contact for unimportant issues? Stop talking on the phone and get the convos in person. Be in charge and control of the situations. You are choosing to allow her to find her way back, not chasing her. You still have to initiate in a way that is not chasing.
Does this make sense?
I think not b/c it is too much disruption in their schedules. Recently in an email she asked "Has it ever occurred to you that the girls want to see me as much as I want to see them?"
--Reply, 'its too bad we werent able to work out our minor issues so they could see both of their parents every day. Your such a PITA. ARE legal options all you can come up with?'
If you think not then NOT. She can go the legal route if she wants too. there are many other options. think of them and offer them after telling her to think of and hearing them from her. Get used to giving her some power after all ready actually having it. It will feel like teamwork to her, that you guys are capable of negotiating things and coming to agreements. Look for minor ways to do this, while leaning back at the same time.
Tricky stuff Jabez, but very powerful. I am not detailing alot, but if you are going to be succesful you are going to have to 'get it' internally.
In reality, D13 & D15 want WAW to come home and I see this to mean that actually D13 & D15 want to spend more time w/WAW that WAW wants to spend w/them
Ask her what other alternatives she sees besides a custody battle. How about coming over for dinner at your place on these days. Say 'come over for dinner on thursday. If YOU act weird or cant behave like a nice person then we will figure out something else.' remember be humorous, or nuetral. Calibrate.
Jabez. Do not lean--be needy, supplicating or placating. She will not respect you if you do these things. You have to get your attraction back. I suspect you were these things the first 6 or more months. Dont worry about it now, forget it, let it go, dont let her revisit it either. You are in essence dictating her emotions while she is in your presence, becuase she has been unable/willing too.
Does this make sense to you? Do you see how my replys are in essecence flipping the script?
Oh yeah --absolutely do not allow her to talk about OM. He does not exist. you CAN be mildly forceful show that you have some internal anger with your demeanor about this. Then turn it off and go back to being humorous and confidant.
Remember do them and watch results. Sometimes the results will stun you with their counter intuitive quickness, others wont work. I dont know your sitch in detail, these are just generalities that have strong attraction overtones to them.
Have no fear, you have nothing to lose. Its already lost. This will be a new you and a new R.
ok first thing, stop allowing her to be rude. Litterally/verbally STOP her.
Ok, compared to last year at this time, that will be more that a 180, more like a 540!
If she does it again, which she will if you have been a doormat for a long time
Hi, my name is Jabez. Yes, I was a doormat for 9 months. Hi Jabez, welcome
You have to get in the mindset that you have nothing to lose . . . she is DAMN lucky you are giving her this chance to straighten out.
Recently, I've had the question in my head, "What does she have to do to get me to consider taking her back?"
Speak to her neutrally when you talk about the A always, point out her ridiculous actions and behaviors.
You mean I should mention to her that my friend saw her and the OM at the movies and when then saw him they dashed out of site?
This is not a time to worry about fair, equality, treat her as you want to be treated
Guilty on the charge of treating her as I want to be treated.
Its time to be strong, and earn--even sometimes--- demand (gasp!) respect.
Respect is a favorite word of WAW. I don't respect her this and I don't respect her that. I respect that she has feelings, I just don't happen to agree with the way she acts on some of them. And she has to respect that I feel that way.
Do you want to reconcile? Yes. Why is the D not finalized yet? 'cuz I haven't done anything about it. what are her actions, not her words? selfish, petty, adolecent What are you doing for female company in this desert time? nada, not comfortable w/it b/c of DD's Are you dating/ hanging out with friends? Why not? Yes, I'm hanging out w/friends. Mostly all our married friends.
call her say 'lets meet for lunch.' When she says why? or no. say 'comon it will be fine. nothing weird, just friendly convo.'
I'm guessin' the response will be "WHAT? I am NOT meeting you, I don't love you." To which I will ask, do you only go to lunch w/people you love?
How often does she initiate contact for unimportant issues? Email only about the D or DD's.
You're such a PITA. Uh, what's 180 + 360 + 360?
Get used to giving her some power after all ready actually having it.
I think that I understand, but could you give me an example?
How about coming over for dinner at your place on these days.
Tried that. WAW's response "It would be cruel to DD's b/c it would get their hopes up"
Do not lean--be needy, supplicating or placating. I suspect you were these things the first 6 or more months.
How did you know?
You have used the word neutral a few times, did you get that from the "break free from the affair" web site? What you've said makes sense. If only I could find a Professor Henry Higgins to tutor me and help me practice. Seriously, you have given me a lot to think about and I thank you.
Not fighting for my R and doing what could be done was freaking hard.