Hey Jabez. I don't know what a Dobson letter is or what the purpose is
A Dobson letter is another name for the "After the LRT". It's a letter that says I love you and because I do, I'm letting you go.
My H tells me the same thing....that if I leave, I'm walking out on the family.
Yes, not only is it tempting, but it's true. I don't agree w/WAW for walking away and saying its over, its done, nothing can bring it back so I'm not going to even try, b/c I love someone else. I can respect the fact that she was not happy in our M, but I can't respect just quitting and not trying. I know this will sound conceited, but I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, hang out late w/other friends. WAW & I make about the same amount of $ and from my perception, we always made $ and major decisions together. I willingly took on a share of cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I was dedicated to W and DD's. WAW didn't do this b/c of me, but rather because of her past (which I didn't know about until the pre-bomb in 2002) and the model of marriage that her parents have lived for more than 50 years.
My H tells me the same thing....that if I leave, I'm walking out on the family.
In your case, if you walk out, its b/c your H has emotionally abandoned you. You made a bad mistake. You've apologized for it umpteen times and really, truly want to resolve this, but H just can't let it go, but at the same time, can't let you go. His in limbo land and seems to enjoy holding this over your head to control you. If you walk out it's because of his drinking, emotional abuse and (borderline) physical abuse. I'm not telling you what to do, and I'm sorry if this came off as a little harsh, but our sitch's are (in your best cookie monster voice) the "same, but different". Both W's made a mistake, but I wish my W had your attitude and I wish your H had my attitude.
Is WAW a bad mother?
Well let's see. Does WAW physically abuse DD's? Nope. Are they well fed, clean and dressed? Yup. Does she help them w/homework? Yup. Has she enrolled the 3 of them in an exercise class together? Yup. Is she supporting them financially? Yup. Has she emotionally hurt them? Yup. Have they told her the she is "ruining their lives"? Yup. Did she tell them that she is dating OM b/c she doesn't love me but loves him? Yup. Did she tell them that she was going on vacation w/OM this past summer? Yup. Does she not make & eat dinner w/her daughters half the time so that she can eat dinner w/OM? Yup. I guess the answer depends on the behavior and attitude you expect from a "bad" mother.
Are you sure you really feel this arrangement is best or are you just trying to convince yourself it's best?
If you consider the "extra" 8 hours that the girls are sleeping in the same house as I am, then, yeah, they do spend most of the time with me. If you look at "awake time", then I have 2 hours a week more w/D13 and 4 hours more a week w/D15. Considering all the shuffling around of DD's staying w/WAW two nights a week, is it in their best interest to start and end each school day from a different place for 2 or 4 more hours a week w/WAW? Their lives and schedules were already changed drastically in 2004, is it in their best interest to make this an annual event? Let me pose it to you this way. How would you feel if someone told you that you had to sleep in a different house every other night? Would you have a sense of home? If someone asked "Where do you live?", how would you answer? Would you have an added layer of anxiety knowing that even though today is Tuesday, when I leave the house this morning, I have to make sure that I have everything I need for Tuesday and Wednesday? I don't think teenage girls need to have another layer of anxiety added to their lives.
I do realize that I blew off some steam here. And I do appreciate you and NY posting. It makes me look at the overall sitch as well as the details. (And now, on to the blasphemy) It's just that I feel let down by DBing. The part that says GAL, helped me. The parts that say these 7 steps, acting as if, validating, doing the LRT, etc will change your W, haven't affected her. (Remember "It takes 1 to tango"?) And so now I've come to a point where I feel like either I've failed at DBing, meaning I didn't do it right, or I was duped and I've lost the opportunity to save my R/M. The last success story was posted in Dec of 2004. Is PMA just a "mind game"? By not acknowledging and expressing our feelings are we living in a self-constructed fantasy? I've been able to do some things this past year that I wouldn't have normally done, but there are also many, many more things that I didn't get to do b/c of the sitch.
Yeah, I'm still not commited to tough love. I think b/c it deals w/emotions and for me it is a decision and process to get to tough love.
Again, I really do appreciate the time and thought that everyone had put into their replies.
