You sound at peace Jabez, it's good to hear. You're getting comfortable and adapting to your new circumstances and accepting is such an important part of healing. I think you're doing great. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I'd appreciate some input on my first draft of my "Dobson letter." In the category of "What is the oddest gift your ever gave your wife for Christmas?", I'm going to answer, "My Dobson letter." As so here it is for your review and comment.
Thank you.
Dear WAW,
When I look at our lives during the past three and a half years, I see a relationship that I don’t like. I don’t like the way it was and I don’t like the way it is now. It’s taken me some time to sort out my thoughts and feelings about our relationship, and now I feel like I need to express them to you.
I’ve loved you through all the situations that life has brought our way and I’ve chosen to still love you today. I’ve kept my commitment to you to be true to you until death did us part. My love for you has changed over the years and now it is a love that I never thought that I would feel, but I do. It is a bittersweet love.
I don’t deny that you have feelings about your unhappiness, the state of our relationship or me. They are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I don’t agree with how you went about acting on your feelings. I see your actions as destructive, selfish and immoral.
I love D15 and D13. I’ve tried hard over the past 15 months to protect them from the aspects of our separation that I thought would be hurtful and harmful to them. I’ve hugged them, consoled them, dried their tears and assured them that they are in no way responsible for our separation. I know that you also love D15 and D13 and have done the same.
At times during the past three years or so, I felt like I’ve taken on the challenge of trying to save our relationship by myself. For two years I think that I smothered you with behavior that I thought would show you that I cared and would make you feel loved. During the past 15 months, I’ve gone to a few counselors, done a lot of reading and a lot of thinking trying to understand your thoughts and behavior. I’ve also refused to let go of you.
I have to come to some conclusion after all my introspection. I've made some changes in myself and need to make a few more changes in order to have more respect for myself and to see myself with more dignity.
I know that you want to divorce me, and so I am letting go. I love you but neither of us has been happy with our current relationship. I don’t know what you have planned for your future and I don’t know what the future holds for me. I do know that I have the strength and courage to handle what ever comes my way without you, I’ve already proven that to myself. In the mean time, D15, D13 and I will be a family and I will be the best father that I can be to them. Maybe someday in the future, a special woman will enter my life, and I hope the girls will accept her. I will be better prepared to have a happy, healthy relationship with her as a result of what I’ve learned during this time.
I will miss you. I will miss the four of us being a family.
(Virginia) Wow - you sure have grown - as a father and a man. Funny, it doesn't seem like it. It seems more like I'm less distracted trying to save my M and now I'm more of who I really am.
(Spitfire) I had to grab the kleenex. This is actually the 5th draft of this letter. The first draft was made last March. It was 3 pages long and it was full of emotion, tears, and other gobbledygook. I wrote this version without shedding a tear. Should I be concerned about that?
Update One of our dogs woke me up twice last night crying. This morning he just isn't himself. This is a sudden thing and I hope that it is nothing serious. The pets are a big part of our lives and have helped us thru the past 15 months. It would sadden us to lose him.
Back in the early spring as part of my 180 package, I went to a comedy workshop and wrote a 3-minute standup routine. There were some jokes about WAW, OM and counseling. I felt that if I did it on stage, I'd negatively impact my chances of saving my M b/c of those jokes. Now, I want to do it, but after the holidays. I think this is still more of me dropping the rope. I want to do it, just to say that I did it. I don't plan on getting a sit-com offer out of it.
Today I got an email from my best friend. He said that on Sat PM he took his family to the movies to see the Harry Potter movie. He noticed my WAW and her OM in line to get tickets. They saw him and after they got their tickets, they high tailed it out of the theater. I guess that they still aren't comfortable being seen in public together.
On another note, my brother was in town with his family. I asked WAW if I could have the DD's on Fri so that they could see their cousins and she could have DD's on Sat. Her reply, No, I've already made plans. I guess see the boy wizzard w/OM is more important than DD's seeing their out of town cousins.
On another note, DD's told me that WAW's niece told them on Thanksgiving that she misses seeing me b/c I always make her laugh. Odd how these sitches affect so many R's.
As the universe turns, the WAS's are still at the center of it all.
Hey Jabez, I think doing the stand up routine would be great. I think it's important to always retain one's sense of humor. Especially, when you don't feel like laughing.
I'm sorry. I couldn't help but laugh at the image of your WAS and OM high tailing it our of the cinema. Yeah, they feel real good about themselves.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I couldn't help but laugh at the image of your WAS and OM high tailing it our of the cinema. Yeah, they feel real good about themselves.
I don't get it. Why the heck would anyone what to be involved in a R where you had to be careful of people you know not seeing you. Maybe I'm too concerned with my integrity.
I think it really indicates just how uncomfortable they are with the situation they find themselves in. Like it was OK bringing OM along to the school presentation night because she was jolly well going to make a point - but that was on her terms and it was to you. Out in public, where she can't control the other person's reaction and fears she may be judged she doesn't want a bar of it.
But enough about her.
Sounds like you are doing better and better all the time. Keep it up yeah?
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Sounds like you are doing better and better all the time.
I'd have to say yes, but I keep hesitating making an appt w/the attorney to talk about the next step. Dec is a tight month w/$ and I don't want to have to write out another check. I'm basically tired of living like this and want to move on. I'm not sure how a pair of signitures on a piece of paper is going to make us any different tho'.
Odd how these sitches affect so many R's.