On Wed, I received a letter from WAW's attorney outlining requested changes in the custody sitch. If we couldn't resolve it by Fri she was going to file a complaint. The attorney that I've consulted with is out of the office until tomorrow (Oct 18), so I had to ask for an extension. The letter that I received was full of false accusations. I thought that the law was interested in the truth and therefore attorneys would be interested in the truth, I don't understand.
On Sat BIL came to visit me. I had sent a birthday card to him in mid-Sep and he left a message to say thank you. He stopped by soon after, but I wasn't home. We had a nice visit and did some catching up. I hadn't seen him since last Halloween and last talked to him on the phone in Jan. We couldn't talk about the sitch b/c D13 was home. Next time, if we're alone, I'd like to ask what his perception of the sitch is and how WAW's family sees the sitch. I'd also like to tell him why I think this is happening. Deep down, I have to understand why I want to tell him this. Is it b/c I want to "recruit" him to my side? Is it b/c I want him to "work on" WAW for me? Is it b/c I am "speaking the truth in love"? Is it OK to have hope that something good may happen as a result of telling him, but have no expectation of something happening? WAW is still dead set on a D. Could such an action be damaging to any potential reconciliation?
I could use some insight from anyone who has experience with custody disputes as well as any suggestions for the sitch in general. I'm feeling a lot like I've failed at busting this D. My circle of 5 supporters tells me that I'm doing great and that I've given WAW way more space and time than they would have. I wonder, have I been too kind to WAW? I wonder what my DB'ing efforts have had on the sitch. On the surface, it appears that our M is doomed, but w/o DB'ing would the sitch be worse?. I'm stuck. I just don't know what to do.
I went to see a different attorney about the D & custody sitch. I know that I can control my response and my thoughts and my emotions but tonight it is difficult. He wanted a non-refundable $3000 retainer @ $290/hr. Doing the ruff math, thats about 10 hours and 20 minutes of work. I'm guessing that wont last to long. F!
I've decided to make him a counter proposal for his services. I may just as far as TO, but maybe he'll see that I have some hutzpah.
It seems no matter which way I turn, I'm getting screwed. There are no winners here. This is a lose-lose situation.
I'm sorry but there isn't a big enough stop sign for me tonight. My PMA is taking the night off.
This sucks and I hate it.
To quote Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?"
I can only imagine that this would be the worst part of everything...custody. I know you told me that you feel the girls need a primary home and if I recall correctly, you said every other weekend with WAW would be reasonable to you. I hope I said that right. With that being the case for you, what is she asking for?
Lawyers are never fun...that is a LOT of money for not very much work, as you pointed out. It costs just as much to get divorced as it does to get married it seems
I'm struggling for something to say that will make you feel better, but I know there isn't anything.....just know that I'm thinking of you.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Hugs to you. Yes, this does suck. And I wish I had some wise thing to say but I don't. Just try to do what is best for the kids and you. Thinking of you...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
HG, WCB, thanks for stopping by and the kind words. After 2 days on the downside of the roller coaster, today I feel a little more "level". Sometimes I'm able to deal w/my own sitch in a way that doesn't affect my emotional and physical being. Sometimes I'm able to put my sitch on the back burner and read others' posts and offer something that may help. Sometimes things are so illogical (I'm an IT geek, we live on logic and problem solving) in my sitch, that even though I know and have practiced these behavioral mods, I still spring a leak. It's at these times, I appreciate the empathy of others' on the DBBB. Thank you.
I know you told me that you feel the girls need a primary home and if I recall correctly, you said every other weekend with WAW would be reasonable to you.
Back to the autumnal colors.
Yes, the girls do spend every other weekend w/WAW. They also spend Tue & Thu from 5PM-9PM w/WAW. She wants to change the schedule to have them sleep over on Tue & Thu PM.
Starting from the top, what I think is reasonable is:
1) For WAW to look inside herself and see why she was so unhappy in our M. She says it wasn't me, so identify it and see if there is a way to remedy it. I don't think she's done that. After that, see how that affects our R/M. If that turns out positive, then let's see if the 4 of us can be a family again, b/c that is certainly in the best interest of the girls. (Oh how I hate that phrase.)
2) I know that's a lot to chew on, so let's just start at leaving the schedule that way it is b/c the girls are used to it. It offers them some semblance of "normalcy" b/c they start and end each school day at the same place. I'm not a child phych, but I know that I would not want to start and end each school day in a different place.
So basically what we are asking here is, is it in the best interest in the girls to start and end each school day from the same place, they only home they've known, or for the girlst to spend 2 extra "awake" hours for D13 and 4 extra "awake" hours for D15 w/their mother?
Comments from any and all mothers are welcome and appreciated.
Hey Jabez, glad to hear you're feeling a little better.
I'm an IT geek, we live on logic and problem solving
I know what you mean; I'm a CPA and I'm the same way!!
Custody is such an individual topic and there are so many different arrangements out there to that seem to work for their particular family. I hope you guys are able to agree on something that works for all of you. You were debating there for a while about asking the girls' opinions on where they wanted to live and/or what they thought the arrangements should be. What did you decide about asking them? BTW, are they in counseling?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I went to see an attorney on Sat. I didn't want to do it, but I felt like I was painted into a corner by WAW. Let me just say that I am pre-disposed to view attorneys as a non-productive element of our society, so my thoughts and comments are colored as such. No, I've never had reason to be in contact w/an attorney before all this broke loose, so I haven't had a bad personal experience with attorneys.
The attorney understands that I am still wanting to reconcile w/WAW and he started talking about LRT and a strategy similar to the Dobson letter. This actually eased my feelings about being there.
I've noticed that after each physical step of this process, I've been able to detach a little more.
You were debating there for a while about asking the girls' opinions on where they wanted to live and/or what they thought the arrangements should be. What did you decide about asking them? BTW, are they in counseling?
The attorney recommended that I not discuss this with the girls, and so I won't. D13 has gone to see 3 different counselors and has come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to do it and it is a waste of her time. D15 has gone to 1 counselor and come to the same conclusion. The last counselor said that it may do more harm than good for a teenager to be forced to go to counseling. So at the present, neither the girls or I are going to counseling. I don't know about WAW, but I doubt it.
I borrowed "He's scared, She's scared" from the library on Sat. I've read the first 3 chapters and am not sure if it is applicable to our sitch. One point that may be applicable was the statement that CP's feelings are triggered by events such as first time ML, marriage talk, birth of the first or last child etc. This may be applicable to WAW. I also was "heartened" to read that we all have fear of commitment to a certain degree. I am concerned about how all this will affect my feelings in my next R, whether that be w/WAW or someone else. When I get there, I be better able to judge whether my feelings about commitment are healthy caution or phobic.
I've joined NY's book club and have been reading "He's Scared, She's Scared". I'm about half way thru and I can see how in some ways I may have had a fear of commitment at times in our R, but I don't feel like I was ever phobic enough to sabotage our R. If WAW is a CP, then she is a passive CP. She pick an OM that is somewhat unavailable to her and he to her b/c she knows his family and they aren't happy about the sitch. I stay out of that.
Also reading some "geek" fiction just for fun.
Looking forward to the weekend. Going stag to my best friend's son's wedding. It should be fun despite the obvious.
D's are w/me this weekend. I always enjoy the weekends that they are w/me.
Despite the on going custody nonsense, some good things happened this week. None to do w/my M, just to me and I'll take that.
Have a new GAL list for the month of Nov. I did it last Nov and happened to stumble upon it again. Challenging myself to keep it going thru to '06!
I'm doing well w/D13&D15, GAL and my PMA is OK. It's just that I feel like my only plan w/WAW is being dark during this "custody dispute". I've settled into a quasi-single dad life style and gotten used to it. The last time I talked to a DB coach, she said to make plans for D13&D15 & myself and not include WAW. I've done that. The only interaction I have w/WAW is via email regarding D13&D15. She said to leave the onus on WAW for plans for us together. I've done that.
In the past there has been some contentious back and forth about taking care of the pets when I'm traveling for biz. On Mon in an email exchange about schedules for D13&D15, I mentioned that I had made a vet appt for the dogs. WAW emailed back to say that I could get the shots cheaper at the pet store and then left info when she picked up D13&D15. In the past I would have gotten good vibes from this, but since it has nothing to do w/me, I didn't this time.
Does anyone have any suggestions about how to "come out of the dark" and maybe put a finger in the air to see if the winds are blowing warm or if the "Alberta Clipper" is still in town?
Last spring I went to a comedy workshop to work on a standup routine. I've MC'd some fund raisers but nothing ever anything "real". I came up with 3 minutes of material, but I never performed it. Summer got busy and then school started, but now I've feeling itchy to do it, just for the sake of doing it. I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Well if anyone has any suggestions about crawling out of the cave, I'd appreciate it.
