I'm so sorry you're still struggling like this. You deserve better. Anyway, two thoughts for you...
1) Honest, open anger is much more attractive that sullenness, resentfulness, and passive aggressiveness. Maybe that is why things improve a bit when you consider yourself a biatch. But, then when things improve, you maybe try to swallow your feelings to keep things on an upward trend and that backfires? just a thought...
2) Sorry, but get real. Your H is not asexual. He had an affair. You have kids. He jacks off. He is watching porn with the boys, doing who knows what in the basement, and engaging in some sort of activiting that causes him to stain his shorts during business hours. I'd lay odds that your H has his own little sex world that you simply are not a part of -- whether it is in his head, porn, strippers, phone sex, hookers, or an A. There is no way for you two to be intimate -- emotionally or physicvally -- when he is conducting his sex life in his own little private, no doubt guilt-ridden, world. I thought my XH was asexual too, but the truth was what I am suggesting to you. I bet he loathes himself. He sees sex as dirty because his sex life is dirty and he projects that on a possible sex life between you two rather than dealing with his own demons or even letting you know they exist. Your stories and denial are just a little too familiar. Maybe I'm wrong, but I seriously doubt it. Very seriously.
Thanks for all your help way back when... My life is wonderful these days and I don't really post anymore. But, I do check in on a few people from time to time. I actually wanted to email you privately, but I can't find your addy. If you feel like it, you can email me at acorndb@yahoo.com.
